Thank you abbey. You are right that I need to stop spying. I am going to try harder. I know that it seems like the right anwser to you for me to go out and meet new people, but I really do not like being around a lot of people or new people at all. People change, but in this I know that I have not. Being around new people will make me uncomfortable and unhappy and make me cling to my husband more than I already am (and even though he is being patient with me now, I know that if I cling to long it will have a negative impact). I am glad that it is working for you, but I really feel like that is a bad idea for me.
I have started doing some of the things that I used to do that made me happy and even some new things that I have always wanted to try. Those things are nice...they really are. But (while they pass the time) I do not love them as much as I used to. I have spent a long time being selfish and I am afraid that focusing too much on myself will just be an extention of that.
Mrbond...I wish that I could tell you how much your comment of my husband and I having a 2nd honeymoon scared me. The fact that you think it will end scares me. It has been three weeks and while we have had a few uncomfortable conversations about it we have both been happy. We both feel like our communication was the root of our problem. And this is an example of why I blame myself. I was young and stubborn. When we had a fight, I would get so mad that I would walk away. I would never listen to him. And then (because I have a bad memory) I would act like nothing happened a few days later and it would happen all over again the next time we had a problem. We never solved anything and it would fester. At some point he got tired of trying to coax me out of my anger and he started feeling like I did not love him any more because I was constantly giving him the silent treatment. And with no physcial, verbal or emotional contact we started to drift apart and he tried to look for friendship and/or love somewhere else. So are you saying that we have not gotten to the real root of the problem and because of that the happiness that we managed to salvage out of all of this is a smoke screen? I am not trying to call you out, but I would like to better understand how you came to that conclusion.
I would be lying to you if I said I was not scared that he might still be lying to me or he still might leave me. But I love him and I am committed to him. No matter what I will be there for him. I have no doubts about that. My real concern is how do I stop think about it? How do I move past the details? I know that they do not matter, but when I am not paying attention sometimes questions or fears sneak up on me. I need to know how to learn to trust again. Are there things that I can do to help me move past this and focus more on our future? I know that this will be a hard road, but this is the road I signed up for when I said "I Do".
