What to do next

[JustStunned]

Journaling: I believe I made mistakes the last time I interacted with W. I wasn’t able to be friendly, cheerful and bright. I settled for matter of fact, business like. I probably came off as cold and distant. It was better than angry and hurt, and I was in control of myself. Problem is I don’t know if I can do better next time.

I know I need to detach more and I am trying to work through it. I finally reached a point I see others at where I don’t think W will ever make it out of her tunnel and I’m beginning to wonder if she does will the person she eventually becomes ever be attractive to me. I really think some of what we are going through as her mental illness.

I know the in sickness and in health part of my vows apply here. Strangely early in this journey during a conv with the AuntIL she is living with I learned W really wished I would treat her all of the time as I did when she was ill. Solicitously bringing her an extra blanket, making efforts for her comfort taking care of her. And yet as I’ve learned here much of the situation I find myself in was a result of hovering when W didn’t want or need it.

When we met she had run away from home, victim of her mother’s control and abuse. She was the damsel in distress. I was the rescuer. We grew co dependant. I never detached enough to allow her to grow. She never enabled me to detach.

So now she has run away from home, victim of her husband’s control and abuse. She is again the damsel in distress valiantly proving to anyone who’ll listen how much happier and better off she is now. I cannot be her rescuer again as I am the evil dark controller she runs from. She has never trusted her mother in the 30 years I’ve known her family. I don’t know who is or if there is a rescuer in the wings.

Speculation begins:
Her L might be filling this role from the point of view that he is fighting for her financial future. I do not think her L is emotionaly or physically involved. I just think whoever she perceives as fighting for her fills the role in her psyche.
Speculation ends:

So I need to cave and think on this more. I have little faith this divorce will bust. Even if it did W needs to exit her tunnel and deal with her issues before we’d have a chance of making MC work. There is no evidence she is still seeing a C so any personal progress is not likely in the near term.

I was warned this would be a long arduous journey. The interaction on Wednesday night just confirmed, what I was trying to ignore.

I need to grow, I need to protect my faith in a new R, I need to protect myself so I an attractive for a new R when I am ready.