What to do next

[PEI]

JS,

"unnaturally happy"

Yep. They have to project this, because if they were anything less it would not make sense to do what they are doing. This is why

Don't believe anything you hear and only 50% of what you see.

PEI

[JustStunned]

Journaling: I believe I made mistakes the last time I interacted with W. I wasn’t able to be friendly, cheerful and bright. I settled for matter of fact, business like. I probably came off as cold and distant. It was better than angry and hurt, and I was in control of myself. Problem is I don’t know if I can do better next time.

I know I need to detach more and I am trying to work through it. I finally reached a point I see others at where I don’t think W will ever make it out of her tunnel and I’m beginning to wonder if she does will the person she eventually becomes ever be attractive to me. I really think some of what we are going through as her mental illness.

I know the in sickness and in health part of my vows apply here. Strangely early in this journey during a conv with the AuntIL she is living with I learned W really wished I would treat her all of the time as I did when she was ill. Solicitously bringing her an extra blanket, making efforts for her comfort taking care of her. And yet as I’ve learned here much of the situation I find myself in was a result of hovering when W didn’t want or need it.

When we met she had run away from home, victim of her mother’s control and abuse. She was the damsel in distress. I was the rescuer. We grew co dependant. I never detached enough to allow her to grow. She never enabled me to detach.

So now she has run away from home, victim of her husband’s control and abuse. She is again the damsel in distress valiantly proving to anyone who’ll listen how much happier and better off she is now. I cannot be her rescuer again as I am the evil dark controller she runs from. She has never trusted her mother in the 30 years I’ve known her family. I don’t know who is or if there is a rescuer in the wings.

Speculation begins:
Her L might be filling this role from the point of view that he is fighting for her financial future. I do not think her L is emotionaly or physically involved. I just think whoever she perceives as fighting for her fills the role in her psyche.
Speculation ends:

So I need to cave and think on this more. I have little faith this divorce will bust. Even if it did W needs to exit her tunnel and deal with her issues before we’d have a chance of making MC work. There is no evidence she is still seeing a C so any personal progress is not likely in the near term.

I was warned this would be a long arduous journey. The interaction on Wednesday night just confirmed, what I was trying to ignore.

I need to grow, I need to protect my faith in a new R, I need to protect myself so I an attractive for a new R when I am ready.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: No contact with W since the meeting about taxes Weds night. On Friday a letter from my L arrived, snail mail. It’s unusual as all of the correspondence has been F2F or through email. The document explained for budgetary reasons I will need to sell the house and spit debt. It also suggested a F2F meeting between the two Ls and W and me.

This is the meeting W and I spoke about on Weds. She hadn’t seen the document or I suspect discussed other than the meeting with her L. The document was dated Weds, and selling the house is controversial for her. I don’t want to speculate as to why, but I know W told the kids last Dec 21st she would not take the house away from me or them.

Before the 2X4s begin to swing I really cannot afford to keep the house and meet all of the other obligations this D will place upon me financially. I and my family have a lot of emotional attachment to the house and property. To arrive at this decision I have had to detach from this also. I’d like to tell you I was 100% successful, but I spent part of this weekend grieving the loss. It not just the house, but also what to do with all the stuff the kids left secure in the thought we’d store it for them until they were ready to take it. I never planned on downsizing this soon.

Saturday, I took the dog for a long walk in the park. It was cold, but there were a few others out and about. I spoke to a few people about the dog and his size.

I started a FB page. Now I have to find photos and describe my interests. It should help me stay connected to family and friends. I’ve always been a private person and FB is foreign to me, but so is journaling and commenting on this board.

Two weeks ago W asked me to take a pic of her and the dog in our living room. It shows him sitting in front of her. She’s straddling him with her head above and behind his, arms wrapped around his shoulders. She’s using it in her FB profile.

Can someone explain to me how I was using this dog to dominate and intimidate her when he clearly has accepted her as an Alpha? Just more WAS/MLC craziness.

Spoke to my son on Sunday night. He returned home from training last week. We did not talk about the elephant in the room. We had a pleasant conversation about desert training. I hope he can get leave and come home before deploying, but I’ll understand if he chooses to stay away from the drama.

I lurk over in MLC. I don’t know how the vets do it. This can never progress until W processes the issue she ran away from home from the first time. I don’t know how I will find the capacity to forgive or the patience to outlast.

[BeingMe]

Hi JS! I know it's difficult to deal with someone in MLC, but you have to understand that they don't think they're in MLC, they think they are justified in what they do, no matter how crazy. And, when you're looking in from the outside, you have to feel sorry for that person. At least, you don't have a OM in the picture. That makes it easier, I would think. I don't know why I think this, but if you give your wife some space and time, I think she will come around. I think this divorce could be busted, if you play your cards right; if you love her.

Here are some suggestions ... just throwing out some thoughts:

1. Refuse to sell the house, but negotiate in a way that you can keep it, i.e. less money for her. Why should you be the bad guy selling the home from under your children? Anyway, the market isn't good. Who knows how long it will take to sell, and how much you will get for it?

2. Slow down the D process ... make her do all the work. Do the separation, to protect yourself financially, but then let her do all the work to get the D.

3. If she is so keen to separate, then she should accept all your conditions. So, lets see how much she wants this. She does work, doesn't she? So, she won't starve. Don't give her nothing, but substantially less than she's asking.

Just something to gnaw on.

[ninelives]

Js, just got caught up in your sitch.

PATIENCE is the key but how much do you have. And at the end, will she even change her mind and want you back. I dont know JS, Its all about what you can endure.

So far NO OM, but be careful on that front. They lie so well that there may be one and you just havent found out yet.
That really complicates the situation.

hang in there.

Its a marathon, not a sprint.

9

[lostinscared]

JS -

I continue to be impressed with how well you are doing given the situation. You've have really taken what has been taught to heart. For that, be proud.

You have asked a profound question that you should really search for the answer to. Where is your boundary? Have you figured that out yet? Is it the sale of the house, the divorce, another man... where is it? I wouldn't focus so much on the time this MLC might take or what other people are doing, I would focus more on understand your own boundaries.

I am praying for you!!!!

LIS

[Truegritter]

I don’t know how the vets do it. This can never progress until W processes the issue she ran away from home from the first time. I don’t know how I will find the capacity to forgive or the patience to outlast.

Everyone that you read about started right where you sit right now Stunned.

It IS hard to see you enduring when you are wrapped up in the emotion of your loss.

It can be done. Believe me.

No matter your doubts right now in yourself and your capacity to do this...

It is not about what you CAN do, for you CAN do it.

It is what you WILL to do.

You decide what hill you will die on.

What thing will break you.

You have an opportunity to show yourself what kind of man you are.

What you believe in. In the face of a sh!tpile of adversity flung at you by your W.

I will tell you this.

She wants you to give in. It will be easier for her to deal with right now if you give in.

It is what she expects.

Most people would.

In the end make it about YOU.

And she may never see what you have done.

But you will.

And so will your children.

You CAN do this Stunned. Will you?

[JustStunned]

BeingMe,

One of my goals from the day I read DR for the first time was to slow the pace of the D. W wanted it filed in February and finalized by April. We are still discussing the terms of dissolution.

I’m pretty sure we’re underwater on the house anyway, and with the other debt we come out of this with the clothes on our backs, a few household items, and any 401K money left over. There is enough in my 401K to cover it, not much more, but if W goes through with it we start over with little more than what we had 29 yrs ago.

She does not see the pit we dug together or the one she is digging now.

This is not what W wants. Essentially what she keeps proposing is a housing down payment for herself to be financed from equity, half my 401K, spousal support, and I retain most of the debt. This is a fantasy as the equity isn’t there, and I will not permit myself to be used in this manner. My L told me the court in this State would not permit such a lopsided agreement and if I was trying to agree to it I could find another L.

So as messed up as it is selling the house is the best alternative I can agree to. She doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy making me sell the house so I hope to hear other ideas from her and her L.

9,

Patience, I have in abundance as long as I think I have a reasonable chance. I know there is frustration posted here. I come here to vent and bleed. It is best not to leave a blood trail where W can find it. Eventually I’ll decide to cut my losses, but I’ll be at this until I am beat down past that point. Guess one could say I am a stubborn SOB.

17 years ago for a few weeks there was an OM. If there is another now or tomorrow it’s not a deal breaker, but as you say it complicates things greatly.

It is a marathon. Always wanted to run the Marine Corps Marathon, maybe I should make this a long term goal for GAL if my knees hold up this summer.

LIS,

I am so glad you have begun posting again. I am so sorry where this ride has taken you. You were one of the first people who touched me here. I hope and pray the best outcome for you.

I hadn’t really considered a boundary in that context. All of the boundaries I have set relate to how W and I interact now. I have not given a lot of thought to what would cause me to be done. I will have to think on it some more.

Grit,

As always there is meaning throughout your post. This old grunt needs to digest and absorb it.

Thank you all for giving of yourselves.

[JustStunned]

LIS, Grit, I have thought about the questions you posed. Unless I misread them they seem to be different perspectives on the same questions. This is only the first pass. This will modify as my life changes but for now.

I may duck from the pain, but I will not truly be done until W replaces me. I don’t mean some EA or PA. Yes those would hurt. I mean truly replaced me in all aspects of the life we shared.

The D, the loss of the house, property and kid inheritance, OM these are all nails in the coffin, but even cumulatively aren’t enough.

That said I will not pine. I will not spend my life crawled in a corner, I will not eat a round; I will not reward or validate her decision to quit on us.

I will get on with life. I will make the best possible outcome for me

[JustStunned]

Journaling: Shot leagues yesterday. My partner and I won all four games. I improved my average slightly, and I have been asked to continue into the next league. It’ll be outdoor, known distance out to 60 yards. I plan on it. I need more pins for my bow sight. The club also has a 3D range at another location. You take a walk in the woods and shoot for score at life size 3D targets representing various animals. Distances there are not marked so ones range estimation is also challenged.

Sent W a text yesterday to complete the change over of the phone and internet account. I think this will impact the old joint email account making it impossible to access. I don’t care. I stopped looking at it a few weeks after the bomb. Our old/now her FB was associated with it and the updates expressing support were depressing. She acknowledged receipt of the text.

I have begun to post to FB and sent a few invites to family. So far the posts are all upbeat about the dog and GAL activities. I plan on discouraging discussion about this sitch on FB and I will try to keep it a positive window about me. Of course I want W to see it, but I did not send her an invite. I have not planned what to do if she sends one to me. I will choose how to cross that bridge when I get to it.

Our D was at the house when I got home from leagues. She is still having difficulty dealing with all of her emotions. We talked a little about what she is trying to do. I had to stop myself from getting too wrapped around the axle. It could easily have turned into an ugly discussion about W decision. D needs to vent to someone. I wish I could be there for her, but she understood why she needs to discuss this with someone else.

It is inappropriate for her to register here. I there another similar resource children/ young adults can use?

I am looking for another reading suggestion specific to LC/MLC. Suggestions???