Making Changes

[stayingstrong]

I am very new here, had my first coaching session with Jody on Wednesday and I was very happy with that.

My story is this: Wife and I have been together for five years, married for four. It has not ever been the easiest of marriage, but there is love there, believe me. There have been ups and downs from both parties, but right now all she is seeing is every piece of negativity that one can think of. We have two daughters together, the oldest being 8 and she is my step-daughter by title only. She is truly my baby. We also have an almost 3 year old as well. In between we lost a son just after birth due to cancer. We have seen a lot in our young relationship, so there is lots of scarring for us to get through.

Last Friday, she dropped the bomb that she didn't love me any longer. Oh, she loved me, but not in that way. She thinks that divorce is really the only way for us. We have had this discussion it seems a few times a year, but never to this point of severity. This time, the I love you's stopped, the daily kisses stopped, etc. She told me that she has had to talk herself into being intimate with me during the times that we were. It seems everytime we have had the conversation I have either not listened or blew off the issues. She also said that I am more like a roommate than anything else, which bothers the heck out of me. Also mentioned is that main reason for us to stay together is the stability, etc. One of the weird things is that just a few weeks ago she was talking about relocating for us to different states, but also a few months ago was a thought of having another baby. Now, the baby talk was not serious, but if I were to have seriously considered it (we would be high-risk due to the lost child, but also when our youngest was born, it was with complications) she would have as well. So, I have to believe her feeling are all over the place. I am working on getting me better, because I realize some of my faults, and through those faults are things that bother her. And they should be things that I can fix easily.

Now, we went to a pro-marriage MC on Wed evening, who was very good in both of our opinions. We have not discussed our marriage at all since then. The only conversation we had was last night while falling asleep, she mentions "oh did you like the therapist?" and I said yes, I thought she was very good. She was very open with us, very laid back, and very truly wants our marriage to work. She told us both that it will be work, and that marriage is hard work and we both need to be willing to work at this. Well, the one point that stuck in my wife's head was the "willing" part. Last night she mentioned that as well, and I just responded back with I understand that, but I am going to continue to work on myself, regardless, because I need to. That was the end, and we went to sleep.

I am willing to fight for her, and she knows that. She knows that I love her, but I don't know what is left inside her for me, if anything. The MC went over the wall theory with us, and basically said whatever love she has for me is locked behind walls, and that we can dig it out, get over whatever issues are there, and rebuild our marriage. My W also went on to tell the MC that she has been checked out for over a year.

I know I have rambled a lot here, and will continue to gather more thoughts, but I needed to get this out and started.