Hank, I think I'm finding out it best not to ask, and best not to think about it. It will drive you absolutely nuts. My W was on the phone late one night earlier this week. I came in the bedroom to brush my teeth. However, she really didn't try to hide the fact that she was talking on the phone nor did she lower her voice. I was paranoid enough that I look at the call log on our cell phone bill. She had been on the phone for over 2 hours until after 1:00am! That act on my part defintely didn't make things any better. Once I put everything together, I decided to act "as if" she was talking to a neighbor down the street who is a good friend of hers. Seemed pretty plausible when I thought things through.
I'm not sure what I would do. The crazy thing is when the phone rang and I asked her if she wanted me to bring it and the rest of the time I was there, the thought of OM never crossed my mind. Not even to the point that I memorized the number. (I wish I did so I could put my mind at ease). I didn't start freaking out until I was back home lying in bed and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I thought about it for hours and actually called W this morning trying to talk to her in between dropping my kids off at day care and her making it to work. When I called she hadn't made it yet to drop off kids so I asked her to call me back when she does. She asked me why and I told her that I wanted to ask a question. While I waited, tons of thoughts were going through my head.
Fear of how she would react.
Fear that all that has been built up for the last few weeks would be torn down.
Fear if she said Y or Fear I wouldn't believe her if she said no. So I tried to listen to the advice the is given on here and didn't want to make a decision based on emotion. So before she called me back I sent her a text telling her that I got the question answered and that I hope she has a good day and left it at that.
good for you! definitely the way to handle for now.... have you spoken to a coach yet, it seems you may be at a point where that would be very valuable and help you stay on track to be bringing her closer and not pushing her further away. take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Those words have been tosses around me quit a bit these last few days. Family/Friends tell me that its unfair that I'm stuck in Limbo and that when you guys spend time together as a family that your just making it to easy on her. I understand where they come from, they see the hurt/pain in my eyes and actions and want it to stop. They say she is selfish, stubborn and unrealistic. The tell me its time to force her hand, s#@t or get off the pot.
The day I read DR I set 3 short term goals to see if what I was doing was working.
1. W contacts me about something other than the kids or D. (Has happened a few times over last 3 weeks)
2. W ask to me to do something with her and with her and kids. (Has happened over the last 3 weeks. Lunch, dinner, park, spring break outings with her and kids next week)
3. W and I have small but intimate contact. (Held hands during movie, spooned on chair watching Sponge Bob-kids present- Gave her back rub)
I have met these goals. I tell myself that what I am doing is working. 3 weeks ago W told me that she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to spend time with me. Only wants to focus on her and kids. I pull back, separate my income from hers (leaving her CS on what I would have to if we did D) and told her that I needed to focus on me and not to contact me unless its about the kids.
Changes by her happen and I meet my goals. I talk to wife on sunday after spending all day with family and I ask her what she wants in a happy marriage? She tells me "This. What we did today was all I ever wanted. Us to be together as a family and having fun and being nice." She tells me that the old me wouldn't want to do the family things that we have been doing. So when the opportunity arises to do the family stuff again I accept. 2 days ago I stopped by house to dropped off tax paperwork. I am invited to stay for dinner. I accept. Dinner leads to doing dishes, leads to helping give kids bath, leads to helping put kids to bed and reading books, leads to helping W tag and organize items for a sale this weekend. I went with intentions to stay for five minuets and was invited and stayed fore five hours. Another quality time together as family.
I express this to people close to me and I'm told the Cake/Eating theory, that she is getting the benefits of family without the day to day stuff. That I need to not accept and start to move with myself and that will show her that you won't always be ther for her. When she said what she wanted in the M, should I not take every chance to give and show her that. Wouldn't every time we do stuff contrary to what our biggest problems were and have great time doing them, allow her to see my 180's inaction and each time believe if just for a little bit that this is way the new M can be? Am I looking at things wrong? Gobbling up crumbs just to have a false sense of reality. Are they baby steps or just plain junk.
On that Sunday the W told me that she feels like she is ready to forgive me for all the things that I have done to get here. I did not ask her or prompt her for this info. She just told me. I tead on here that first comes anger from W. I have had that plenty. Next is forgiveness. In her words that is coming.
By no means should I paint this picture as rosy red. The last 2 days when I have talk to W she has been extremely short and cold. It hurts but not as much as it used to.
So, is there a Limbo? If so,am I in it? Am I catering to her or are we taking steps towards each other? I do not say this to sound smug or mean in ANY way but wouldn't people in our sitch and on here kill to have their WAS ask to spend time together, hold hands, etc? Or are my glasses to fogged up to what really is going on. They say it is all about patience.....
I think you are 100% on the right track. I read through your whole ordeal and much of it reminded me of my own situation (though I never moved out)
My wife went from not even caring about how I felt (she told them this several times) to kissing me and telling me how much she loves me as I dropped her off for work this morning.
You use the word "Limbo." You aren't in limbo. You are moving forward, now I can't say for sure what's going to happen, but I wanted you to continue along that path.
Mostly likely you W, needs time and space. if she dropped the bomb, there is a lot for here to to get to place where she wants to work on the M. It never happens as quickly as we want. That is awesome that she is ready to start forgiving you. I bet at one point your W thought that was never possible.
She can now see a point where she could to that. That is a first step. I know because my W said the same thing to me. Never underestimate the amount of work your W is doing as well. To get over that anger and work to forgive takes a lot of effort on her part.
I will say that the people I most talked to outside were people who supported the idea of what I was doing.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
This is very important, your friends and family will try to sway you, and when you are having very bad days they will.
Quote:
Family/Friends tell me that its unfair that I'm stuck in Limbo and that when you guys spend time together as a family that your just making it to easy on her. I understand where they come from, they see the hurt/pain in my eyes and actions and want it to stop. They say she is selfish, stubborn and unrealistic. The tell me its time to force her hand, s#@t or get off the pot.
The funny thing is; how many of them would be here if they were in your shoes? Talking big is easy. Walking big is hard.
You already know why they are doing it.
DR says to trust your own instincts, on this. If you want to be married, then be married.
I personally took it step further and thanked them for their concern and advice. I told them that I was fighting for my marriage and if they couldn't support me in that choice, then this subject was off limits.
If they couldn't support me and couldn't keep it off limits then I wasn't going to be around them or call them, because I was going to need people who supported my decision down the road when I began to question it.
I told them that while I understood they didn't want to see me hurt and they only wanted what they though would be best for me, that I was doing this knowing I was going to hurt, it was my choice, an informed decision, and I wanted their help. I wasn't being weak or stupid or naive.
...It is about patience, and time, and forgiveness and changing the crap you contributed to a failing marriage. Establishing new patterns in yourself and with time and consitency making those changes real. A lot of other things too. Empathy, compassion, persistance, dogged determination, the ability to shrug off the most fatal of emotional attacks, spit blood and keep going...
Stuff like that.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hank, I cannot speak from experience, but you and I have read about this here time and again. They dance close, they pull back, you do what worked, they dance close, they pull back, you do what worked, they……….
Don’t listen to the doom sayers, do what works, evaluate, do what works, try a little tweak, evaluate, do what works.
The other day I had to tell my own mother what my goal was again and she was not helping me reach it.
Read my post in own thread again and it seems like I am quitting. I’m not, it’s a long haul, and I might get beat down in the end, but “can’t” is not a word we recognize.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
There are tonnes of people that tell you to move on. Especially if there was an affair, and they may be right but its got to be up to us to really feel it. HOw much can we forgive and endure.
Sometimes moving on is the only choice eventually but its the LBS that needs to decide that once and for all.
Hang in there and do what YOU feel is right for you without losing your selfrespect. And again, only you know what that is as well.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
