Today is OK

[Sanderika]

Hello Ladies,

Yesterday in court the judge asked us where we stood in our status.

She began with me and I directed her to ask H this question first, after all H is the plaintiff. I felt my answers would follow suit with his. I had an answer planned for either way.

She asked H this status stating to him that when we were last in her courtroom we had expressed the desire to dismiss the case. She noted as of date this had not been done.

H stated to her that while he understands that I do not want a divorce and further that I believe that our marriage can be repaired he has no idea what he wants to do and is at a total loss what the right solution is.

He went on to say that he is totally confused. One minute/hour/day he wants to come home and the next minute/hour/day he wants to divorce. He went on to say that he is unable to make a decision. He said that he is very tired of the turmoil that has resulted in our separation and the back and forth to court over the past three years.

She asked him if he thought if he had more time would it help. She asked him if he would be open to marriage counseling.

She told him he has two options:
A) Work harder to communicate and connect with me on his own.
B) Seek out a third party marriage counselor to assist us in identifying our troubles and seeking a solution.

H stated that he would like to try marriage counseling with me.
H went further to say that he thought it would be a great help to him in reaching a decision. He told her he was very much in favor of trying this as a solution. Ladies, I about fell out of my chair.

The judge then gave him two more options:
A) We could dismiss the current pending case while we seek counseling.
B) She can order a 6 month continuance pending the results of counseling.

H decided he wanted to continue rather than dismiss. I agreed.

This judge told us that legally she could not divorce us in the State of Maine because in Maine both parties have to 100% agree under oath that the marriage is irretrievably broken and our differences are irreconcilable. She said after speaking to us, we are not in that place, she is not going to grant us a divorce under these circumstances:

A) The defendant(me) does not want a divorce and does not believe our problems cannot be reconciled.
B) the plaintiff(H) does not know what he wants and is confused and cannot clearly admit that our differences are irreconcilable.

I listened carefully to H and believe this is true. He is absolutely 100% confused. This poor man has reached a place he acknowledges he has made a huge mess of his life and family. He told me that he is worried that what's broken cannot be fixed. He told me that he thinks about this continuously. He further stated that he felt like he has reached a point where he just doesn't care anymore about anything. He feels like he could be happy if he came home, stayed away or remained alone. He said right now any option is all good.

He wondered why I am standing and what I feel the reasons are that I am. I told him, I am a stander for us. I told him that I will not change my mind regardless if we divorce or not. I went on to tell H all of the reasons I have and he realized they have not changed at all. He then joked about son's stubbornness and said that people tell him son gets it from H, he said I think they are wrong son gets it from you. I said if we add your stubbornness to mine...son is just simply doomed to be stubborn, he hasn't got a chance to be any other way.

Ladies, I think my standing and consistencies are a haven for H. I think he needs someone and something he knows he can count on. It's Me!!!!

Now, I am actively seeking a marriage counselor. I am looking for a pro-marriage and solution based therapist. This is my last ditch effort to reconcile this marriage. This is beyond important to me and I am scared to death that I will not choose someone who will help us. I want to know that this person has a great track record of reconciling couples. H will have to feel comfortable and open minded to accept this path. He will have to realize that this takes time and results cannot be determined in one to a few sessions. This will be a raw approach and will likely result in H getting angry. I am so afraid to venture this way. I have a therapist that I see from time to time. It cannot be her, she will have a biased approach to H.

H and I rode to court together and then went for a nice lengthy lunch at a local pizzaria on our way back. He was relaxed enough to linger and not rush me (I eat way slower) We got the buffet and he waited each time before making another trip for more. I have the impression from spending time with him yesterday, that he is very comfortable with me and is beginning to value me as he should. He made several comments that complimented me and was very polite in action towards me. I was a bit reserved with H as I am accustomed at playing it cool (perhaps too cool). I need to think on this and work towards being more forward.

I have not spoken to H since I left him back at the office. When I dropped him off he said to let him know what I find out. I asked him to keep in touch with me.

He is spending time tomorrow with son, I will see him then and hope that he has a positive attitude. I am convinced that the more time he spends with us the more he will like it.

Thank you all for listening to me and reading this update. I look forward to any advice you all will have for me. Perhaps you can help me learn how to find a therapist who will work well for both of us and towards the goal I have in mind. As you have gathered I am skeptical that this will work based on H's personality.

Sanderika