It's Time To Rock; Part II

[iwllbd1]

Country, I think we live parallel lives. I have to drop my D2 off tomorrow morning too. My W is off work and is gonna start potty training our D2. I'm gonna be dressed nice, clean shaven, and DB like a mofo....lol!

Your getting good advice. We need to pay close attention to our WAW, but we can't keep analyzing their every move. We will go crazy. Good luck tomorrow bud

[♪CS♪]

Hey man, good luck to you too!

I'll be the same, except for the clean shaven part. Still rockin' the beard!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

im out now. but check back before
you meet her tomorrow.

[♪CS♪]

im out now. but check back before
you meet her tomorrow.

Looking forward to your advice. You're not going to ask me to shave are you?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

cs.
take this as an opportunity to
listen, to validate and/or agree.

use phrases such as
i can see how you feel that way.

i need to think about that.

don't let your emotions
lead your actions. know going into this
that things can go either way.
its how you handle the part that doesn't
go your way THAT MATTERS.
please please please remember
NO EXPECTATIONS NO DISAPPOINTMENTS

you have your appearance covered.
don't get caught up in R talk. good luck
gr8

[gr8 day 2B alive]

PEI
it has been awhile. good to hear
from you. i am doing better than great.
enjoying my life and raising
my two little ones.
ill reach out on the alt tomorrow.

gr8

[♪CS♪]

Thanks gr8, I will definitely remember this advice. Since I like to pat myself on the back, I don't act so neurotic in real life. I like to let it all out here, every ridiculous thought I have.

So far I have been able to manager our face-to-face time well, hopefully tomorrow won't be an exception.

The thing is though, I would actually love an opportunity for her to really open up to me and give me a chance to validate, agree, etc. The thing is though, she has kept a perfect poker face through all of this so far. And really, she has always been one to keep her emotions to herself. It actually led to our problems. She didn't stand up to me, didn't tell me how much I hurt her. She just bottled it up until it burst. It seems like she is doing the same thing now. Keeping all of her emotions bottled up, at least towards me.

I really like your line about handling things when they don't go our way. Absolutely the truth.

Question: At some point do I probe for her to open up to me? Ask questions that may lead to her talking more?

I think I already know the answer but worth asking. I understand the DB principles for the most part, but at some point things need to be addressed. I just wonder when that might be. I think I am just going through a period where my patience is waning.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I would actually love an opportunity for her to really open up to me and give me a chance to validate, agree, etc. The thing is though, she has kept a perfect poker face through all of this so far.

Totally can relate, my W didn't show anything for month. But don;t let that discourage you, even though it APPEARS she's showing nothing, she IS in fact watching your moves and how you act/react to things. I know this b/c my W told me after we tried to R.

It actually led to our problems. She didn't stand up to me, didn't tell me how much I hurt her. She just bottled it up until it burst. It seems like she is doing the same thing now. Keeping all of her emotions bottled up, at least towards me.

CS, again, my W had huge problems expressing her needs and wants. She was also too proud to ask for any help.
Unfortunately she is still like this. They have to want to change for themselves.

At some point do I probe for her to open up to me?

When she is ready she will open up. Don't chase a cat they will always run away.
What you need to do is keep making postive changes when you see her. That will entice her to take a second look at you.
That's how you get the cat to come to you.

I think I am just going through a period where my patience is waning.

We all go through this so don't beat yourself up.
Tough situations go away, tough people don't.
Are you tough?
Do the work.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

CS and others.
Not sure if you have seen this before:

In regards to the WAW.
PICNIC ANALOGY:
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.

THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.

[ninelives]

I posted on my thread that this is a great analogy but doesnt take the scoundrel cheating knight into account that is lancing your wife. Egad, even writing that sent a twinge in my heart.

That is what makes this part of DBing so tough. If it wasnt for OM scumbag, I have NO doubt in my mind that we would be piecing and working towards a solution to our M

Until he is still in the castle poisoning her mind, i dont think my picnic has a chance.

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