Those words have been tosses around me quit a bit these last few days. Family/Friends tell me that its unfair that I'm stuck in Limbo and that when you guys spend time together as a family that your just making it to easy on her. I understand where they come from, they see the hurt/pain in my eyes and actions and want it to stop. They say she is selfish, stubborn and unrealistic. The tell me its time to force her hand, s#@t or get off the pot.
The day I read DR I set 3 short term goals to see if what I was doing was working.
1. W contacts me about something other than the kids or D. (Has happened a few times over last 3 weeks)
2. W ask to me to do something with her and with her and kids. (Has happened over the last 3 weeks. Lunch, dinner, park, spring break outings with her and kids next week)
3. W and I have small but intimate contact. (Held hands during movie, spooned on chair watching Sponge Bob-kids present- Gave her back rub)
I have met these goals. I tell myself that what I am doing is working. 3 weeks ago W told me that she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to spend time with me. Only wants to focus on her and kids. I pull back, separate my income from hers (leaving her CS on what I would have to if we did D) and told her that I needed to focus on me and not to contact me unless its about the kids.
Changes by her happen and I meet my goals. I talk to wife on sunday after spending all day with family and I ask her what she wants in a happy marriage? She tells me "This. What we did today was all I ever wanted. Us to be together as a family and having fun and being nice." She tells me that the old me wouldn't want to do the family things that we have been doing. So when the opportunity arises to do the family stuff again I accept. 2 days ago I stopped by house to dropped off tax paperwork. I am invited to stay for dinner. I accept. Dinner leads to doing dishes, leads to helping give kids bath, leads to helping put kids to bed and reading books, leads to helping W tag and organize items for a sale this weekend. I went with intentions to stay for five minuets and was invited and stayed fore five hours. Another quality time together as family.
I express this to people close to me and I'm told the Cake/Eating theory, that she is getting the benefits of family without the day to day stuff. That I need to not accept and start to move with myself and that will show her that you won't always be ther for her. When she said what she wanted in the M, should I not take every chance to give and show her that. Wouldn't every time we do stuff contrary to what our biggest problems were and have great time doing them, allow her to see my 180's inaction and each time believe if just for a little bit that this is way the new M can be? Am I looking at things wrong? Gobbling up crumbs just to have a false sense of reality. Are they baby steps or just plain junk.
On that Sunday the W told me that she feels like she is ready to forgive me for all the things that I have done to get here. I did not ask her or prompt her for this info. She just told me. I tead on here that first comes anger from W. I have had that plenty. Next is forgiveness. In her words that is coming.
By no means should I paint this picture as rosy red. The last 2 days when I have talk to W she has been extremely short and cold. It hurts but not as much as it used to.
So, is there a Limbo? If so,am I in it? Am I catering to her or are we taking steps towards each other? I do not say this to sound smug or mean in ANY way but wouldn't people in our sitch and on here kill to have their WAS ask to spend time together, hold hands, etc? Or are my glasses to fogged up to what really is going on. They say it is all about patience.....
