Cautiously Optimistic

[Brian in Hville]

Scylla...It sounds as if he is making excuses to talk to you. That is great! You keep on being the best you that you can be. I'm praying for you!!

[Queen_of_Swords]

I hope he's warming up to me Brian. I am reluctant to acknowledge it as progress. I've been disappointed so often before.
Regardless, the new me is here to stay, like her or not.

[zengypsy]

Regardless, the new me is here to stay, like her or not.

THIS is what behavior mod is all about. Staying the course. FAB, FAB Scylla.

Keep it up! Let your H see what he is missing!

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journalling - update
So last night I took the kids out for a activity. My H. knew about it because I invited him to join and he declined.
I recieve a text just as we arrive at the venue.

H: Hi, say goodnight to the kids for me, I hope you all have fun.
Me: Pleasant dreams. I will tell them you wished them goodnight.
H: Thanks
Nothing unusual there.
I get home...the answering maching light is blinking. H. left a message there too.

Huh?

[Brian in Hville]

Positive steps...He wants contact with you. Live "As If". You are doing so good Scylla!!! Keep doing what you are doing.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I don't know that he wants contact with me or if it's MLC forgetfulneess. It doesn't really matter.
I've got this sense of fatalism going on. I am living as if he's never coming back and I am planning my life and future with the idea that I cannot expect a blessed thing from him.
In a way that is the case, for if he doesn't seek help for himself, there is no hope for our marriage. Unless he doctors his own wounds and chooses his behaviour, it will be more of the same.

I won't be ignored to death.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journalling - update
H. came at 4 to pick up the kids. Alternative arrangements were not needed.
He hung around for a cup of tea, told me of his company event. H. saw my "work" on the table, asked me a few questions which led to me hauling out Erik Ericson's stages of life/development and explaining how if certain tasks are not completed in childhood they result in dysfunctional behaviour throughout life but especially near the end of life cycle.
He read it ...found it interesting.
I told him I had found a job. H' said " Good for you. Where?, Doing what?" I cannot say his response was other than mild interest.
H. asked me if I would give him those toothbrushes he asked for, I went and got them. Wished them all a pleasant evening and shut the door.

I am afraid I wasn't all that cheerful. As you can tell by my other posts I've been ruminating quite a bit.
My "work" this evening just kind of verified what I've been thinking/feeling.

I picked up the kids in front of H.'s place. He said "the kids' teeth are brushed, Goodnight." I responded, "Bye"

I got home and called my counselor. Asked if I could make a appointment to speak tomorrow. Counselor replied he had a few minutes if I wished to discuss now.

I did.
H has made it pretty clear he doesn't want to deal with his "stuff", although he seems okay with the fact that I'm dealing with mine and very soon our kids will be dealing with theirs too. He doesn't love them enough or himself enough to get past the fear of pain to address his "stuff" to become the person he really wants to be.

H has made a concious choice and decision not to love me. Something I need to accept. I'm loyal and with that piece of paper still in effect, I can't be free of feeling obligated and bound to H by it. I feel great anxiety and that I am in a no win situation.

My plan ( by no means set in stone at this point) is to ask him to come with me to my counselor's office to discuss how we intend to break it to our kids that he wants a divorce and all the reasons why.
I can't do limbo anymore, the kids can't live in an information vacuum anymore. It's too stressful for them so I've been advised by their counselors.


I know I'm reactive right now. I will give myself a week to really think about things further.

[PEI]

He doesn't love them enough ... to get past the fear of pain to address his "stuff" to become the person he really wants to be.

You don't know that. What you do know is that he's not doing it your way, on your timeline.

H has made a concious choice and decision not to love me.

Do you really believe that?

how we intend to break it to our kids that he wants a divorce and all the reasons why.

Are you saying that you intend to give the kids a laundry list of reasons why?

I know I'm reactive right now. I will give myself a week to really think about things further.

Good.

PEI

[JustStunned]

Scylla, your last post struck a chord with me. For the last couple of days I been caveing about my sitch. Last night was the first night since January that I have not at least lurked on this board. I just needed distance from everything to think.

I wish I could offer something more than “you are not going through this or having these thoughts alone”.

H has made it pretty clear he doesn't want to deal with his "stuff", although he seems okay with the fact that I'm dealing with mine

I don’t know about your spouse, but mine still believes her decision is righteous and we should all recognize it as righteous.

My kids are adults, and they are having problems dealing with this. I never had to deal directly with this drama when my nieces went through it. I can only imagine how strong you’ll need to be for your kids.

I am glad you are waiting to think and not reacting. Though it may not seem like it during the anxious hours this is an indication of how strong and admirable your character is.

Sooner or later our spouses will confront their issues and how their reality fits in. We’ve been working on this. They really haven’t started.

[Queen_of_Swords]

You don't know that. What you do know is that he's not doing it your way, on your timeline.

What I do know is evident by his behaviour. He isn't getting help with his stuff his way , let alone mine. He's said as much. Other things take priority, those things convienent excuses. IOW, he doesn't want to.

As to timeline, I"ll admit I'm not prepared or willing to wait multiple years for him. IF he comes back at all.
My kids won't wait either. They keep growing daily and further and further away from him too.

Do you really believe that?

If love is a concious decision and choice and is supported by loving acts... he's chosen and choosing daily not to love.
As painful as that realization is to me, I have to $uck it up, and accept it. You can't make someone love you if they don't.

Are you saying that you intend to give the kids a laundry list of reasons why?

No.