Cautiously Optimistic

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journalling - update
H. came at 4 to pick up the kids. Alternative arrangements were not needed.
He hung around for a cup of tea, told me of his company event. H. saw my "work" on the table, asked me a few questions which led to me hauling out Erik Ericson's stages of life/development and explaining how if certain tasks are not completed in childhood they result in dysfunctional behaviour throughout life but especially near the end of life cycle.
He read it ...found it interesting.
I told him I had found a job. H' said " Good for you. Where?, Doing what?" I cannot say his response was other than mild interest.
H. asked me if I would give him those toothbrushes he asked for, I went and got them. Wished them all a pleasant evening and shut the door.

I am afraid I wasn't all that cheerful. As you can tell by my other posts I've been ruminating quite a bit.
My "work" this evening just kind of verified what I've been thinking/feeling.

I picked up the kids in front of H.'s place. He said "the kids' teeth are brushed, Goodnight." I responded, "Bye"

I got home and called my counselor. Asked if I could make a appointment to speak tomorrow. Counselor replied he had a few minutes if I wished to discuss now.

I did.
H has made it pretty clear he doesn't want to deal with his "stuff", although he seems okay with the fact that I'm dealing with mine and very soon our kids will be dealing with theirs too. He doesn't love them enough or himself enough to get past the fear of pain to address his "stuff" to become the person he really wants to be.

H has made a concious choice and decision not to love me. Something I need to accept. I'm loyal and with that piece of paper still in effect, I can't be free of feeling obligated and bound to H by it. I feel great anxiety and that I am in a no win situation.

My plan ( by no means set in stone at this point) is to ask him to come with me to my counselor's office to discuss how we intend to break it to our kids that he wants a divorce and all the reasons why.
I can't do limbo anymore, the kids can't live in an information vacuum anymore. It's too stressful for them so I've been advised by their counselors.


I know I'm reactive right now. I will give myself a week to really think about things further.