Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

Couples therapy update. UGH! A rough one this go round. W came to meeting with a notepad of points she wanted to make.

Started with my W telling me that she felt like the sessions without an agenda were a way for me to flaunt my change. I validated and agreed with her. I explained that I felt the same this last week. I brought something into couples therapy that is best left for my own individual therapy. That is not what I want either, as there is no use talking about change. That is meaningless.

After this she brought up an event where she did not agree on a decision that I made for our S that turned into a brief argument the next day. I had admitted to being wrong but then old her what my thought process was in making the decision. She only wanted to hear my admitting that I did wrong. She felt like me telling her my reasoning was the "old me", and that this just proves that we can't talk about things without arguing. I tried to tell her that I was not making excuses or try to negate her feelings. I agreed that I made a poor choice and only tried to tell her how I came up with that poor choice.

Therapist jumped in and explained that it is the second time the mistake is made that you should be angry about. Since there is no prescedent for the first time, it should be used to get on the same page in case it were to occur again. Since this was the first time, therapist did not think it should be hammered on.

I then brought up a conversation that we had just a few hours later where the two of us could have argued. Instead of arguing, we communicated our thoughts properly, we adjusted to the situation and made compromises, and then we diffused the tension of the topic. I brought it up as a great example of improvement that we are making. W decided to bring up any of the negative points in this one as well. Even though she thanked me after we had the discussion for understanding the situation and making a good choice. Tonight it was all about discrediting.

W was so angry tonight in her words and demeanor. It was almost as if I was being steamrolled. I remember reading one of 2steps posts where the WAS becoming angry once the LBS begins to make changes that they notice. The WAS will then try and find the one time out of ten where the change was not there and drill it. Almost justification for their feelings or lack of belief that they are permanent. Maybe that is where my W is right now. I also read that this is positive that she feels this anger. True?

The session ended up with the parenting coordinator talk. Instead of just briefly mentioning the idea like the other times. She brought up that it pissed her off that I have been dismissing it. I told my W that I never dismissed it. The few times it was mentioned, my W had said that she was contacting this one person. When she found that person was not available, she was trying to find somebody else. That is all I ever knew from the two times it was brought up in our therapy sessions. W is now mad that I did not put more energy into helping her find somebody. This is where my therapist asked if she ever asked me for help. She had not. W went into how important it was for her and something that I seem to dismiss. I told my W that I have hardly dismissed it, and that it has actually been the primary topic of discussion with my individual therapist for weeks. I just have not gotten to a place where I have felt comfortable discussing it with my W. We then went full into the reasons for my hesitations. I explained to my W that I am scared to death this person would justify why W should have our S stay with her full time. W, therapist, and I went back and forth about putting our S needs first. I explained that I was afraid that it would set a precedent if we were to get D. How we had agreed to 50/50 with the intentions that neither one of us wanted to take our S from each other. Through every scenario, it was evident that my W was trying to justify why our S should stay with her without actually coming out and saying it. It was an extremely frustrating talk, and I did the best I could to diffuse it several times. My W was so angry throughout it, and then finally busted into tears. In tears, she said that she was only trying to do what is best for our S. I then got emotional and teared up telling my W had worried I was that she would be trying to talk our S away from me.

Sorry for the long journal. It was one of those where I felt like I was dodging punches the entire time. W was angry. I was calm and trying my best to listen and validate her feelings. She would get more angry and argumentative. Therapist would try to diffuse and keep us on task. It was just another example to show me that my W is simply not in the same place as me right now. I am not sure what is going on. Who is this person?