Take The Long Way Home...

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
Well, the sun came up this morning and I am pretty sure it will again tomorrow morning. Just a little more proof for me to use on myself that life will go on with or without my wife. It's kind of funny now. I can vividly remember just a few months ago when she first left. Numerous people kept telling me that life would go on. I would just sit there in silence as they tried to console me. But, inside my own head, I was screaming at the top of my lungs, "ARE YOU INSANE? HOW COULD LIFE POSSIBLY GO ON AFTER THIS??? YOU ARE AN IDIOT. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME AND HOW MUCH I AM HURTING!!! JUST SHUT UP!"... But, they were right.

Life did go on, just as it did today. The oceans didn't rise, the stars didn't fall from the sky, the mountains did not crumble to the sea. Nope, none of that. I got up, I went to work, I came home and now I am here. And all of this happened without incident even though today would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. Apparently, the cosmos, the heavens, the earth and everything else that weaves the fabric of our existence really didn't feel like shutting down today just because FOBD was about to have to suffer a crappy day. Huh, what do you know? Today was difficult at times, I won't lie. The radio was my biggest enemy for much of the day. But, I am happy to say I got through it alive. Another day down, ? more to go.

The whole situation is still the "pits" in many ways. I spent quite a bit of time today wondering where I might be tonight instead of sitting in my house alone. I had a pretty good year at work last year and would have had some nice change to spend on an anniversary trip this year. I could be on a beach, on a boat, in another country or just blowing a wad on a super nice dinner for two. But, instead, I am here. And, it is moments like this that I will need to remember each and every day when I am again happily married to whomever it might be. I need to make sure that the next time I want to act like a jerk to my spouse, I will simply close my eyes and remember where I was the evening of March 24, 2011. I was sitting alone, in my 1/2 furnished house, banging away on a computer. If that doesn't motivate me to be a better person and a better spouse, I might as well just become a priest and live the rest of my life in celibacy!!!

I have no idea where my wife is tonight. We had no real contact today. I guess she could be sitting in her little apartment crying her eyes out. She could be out on the town getting drunk as h*ll trying to wash FOBD away. Or, she could be doing none of the above and could possibly not give a flying crap about what today is. Who knows? Other than her, no one. But, wherever she is, I do wish her the best. I really, honestly do. I hope, as always, that she is safe, warm and has peace of mind... even if that means that she just might be over me.

I love you, sweetheart. I am sorry that I was too stupid and too caught up in myself to realize that you weren't getting the love and attention you deserved from your husband. I can only say one thing that I believe will truly matter to you right now. If I ever get a chance to show you the husband I can be, you will not be disappointed. I promise. With a ton of time, patience and love, here's wishing that we celebrate our 11th anniversary the way this one should have been celebrated... together. Sleep tight, better days are ahead for you and me.

Take care, BITS!

FOBD