Looking for BITS. I'm OnMyWay

[AJM80]

And if my sentences did not make sense or anything was a little unclear, let me know. I have a cranky, teething baby in my lap who has me very sleep deprived.

[OnMyWay]

Thanks for your feedback AJM80. I do have to decide what I want and I'm still working on that. I did respond to that email, as she has requested we keep the communication open. I think I even addressed many of the topics you brought up, but in retrospect, I probably should have backed off a little. Here's what I said:

I'm not trying to get us into a back-n-forth tit-for-tat here, so I'm hesitant to respond. But I do need to let you know some things.

First, you were never a trophy to me, period. No discussion on that. Yes, our relationship [censored]. We have our issues and disagree on many topics, but I never saw you as my "prize" or the girl to strut around on my arm. As a matter of fact, I greatly disliked the feeling of us not being equals in a partnership any longer. I do not like the "yours" and "mine." I do not like having the feeling we are not on the same page or feeling resentful of you because you are somewhere outside of our relationship (or the same of me). I hate that I have negative feelings for you or that I seem to be able to justify those feelings as being more "correct" and therefore justified. It's not right the way I feel. I admittedly resent you for a lot of things - and surprisingly, your cheating on me isn't one of those huge resentments. The way I feel (I imagine the way WE both feel) is NOT WORTHY of our marriage and it's not good enough for us. WE deserve better. The fact that we have settled for less than we deserve has caused irreparable damage and is something we should both be ashamed of beyond any justification of any action, word, emotion, or justification in itself. It's simply not ok. We both simply deserved better than we gave each other - nothing else is to blame here.

Over the past couple of years, I've had a complete disconnect with my thoughts, my feelings and my self that I have never experienced before. I know you are equally confused, as I see it in you. But, the fact remains, while our actions were wrong, the damage has been done. This feeling I am having comes from me failing me, letting go of who I am, compromising my ideals. For some reason I gave up on myself, tried to become someone different, out of some noble purpose of duty and family that is not reality. I don't know WTF I was thinking. I just know we came back here to (our town) to save our life and all we did was trash everything about what little we came back with. We came back from behind a curve and for me it was an uphill battle all the way. I've never gotten back to "me," whoever that is. I'm not sure I really know anymore.

But, again, the damage has been done: the proverbial dead horse now a mangled blob of bio mass - completely pulverized, with nothing left to beat - I'm too tired to beat it anymore anyway, so continuing to drag up our well known past is not be all that productive. Besides, I see it all much more clearly now. It lays before me everyday - a virtual vista of "us" which was never suppose to be - and I hate it. I'd be a liar if I said it didn't hurt to look out at wasteland of a marriage/family we've created together, the continual shame as my reward for participating in our failure. This is not where we are suppose to be, yet here we are - and no, it's not ok; it's NOT GOOD ENOUGH for us. In this time of failure, I can finally see that we earned what deserve; yet I demand better, if for no other reason than my self esteem. I know I have to get out of this place. I know the path I must travel and it is not an easy one - full of fear, apprehension, truth, wisdom, and ultimately (hopefully) salvation. I've already started down my path. You'll have to travel a similar route and I feel your pain, truly. I can only hope yours is much easier trek than mine has been so far.

Of course, we may not meet up at the ends of our treks. This I know and accept - I'm prepared. I know, W, that deep in my heart, you are the love of my life. I see it everyday as I consider my options of my future or in the way I compare other women to the standard you've now set. However, I have no illusions of our vows being relevant in our future. I do continue to live by them, trying to respect them, but I know their meaning fades with time and temptation - I don't like it as it goes against my principles, but it is an honest assessment. I feel you'll soon be free of these obligatory terms. The hurt of the end of our marriage has already subsided, leaving me to face alone the greatest pain of all: getting to know myself.

When we agreed to the divorce back that one day, I hope you'll remember my parting words: forgive yourself. It is something you must do. It is ok. What's done is done. It will soon be time to put this behind us and move on. For me, I hope it will yield a whole new life, one more glorious than I've never imagined I could ever have. I hope no less than the same for you, wherever that takes you. I hope the life path you choose is one where you'll truly find yourself. You are a fantastic person, no matter what I say. I'd of never been with you if that wasn't true. I hope you find the happiness I know you still carry in your heart. One day, you'll again be free to let it out. Then, perhaps, I can feel better about myself once again and find the salvation I for which I yearn.

Her immediate response via text message:

I think I fight every day, trying to answer the question"What happened to us?" I just don't know the answer... all I know is I am very content with the fact you are doing your soul searching. I hope it brings you clarity. And we were always equals in our marriage, that I agree with.. but somewherealong the line, that unfortunately disappeared... I miss my partner. I truly do...

She took D this week to go visit family out of state. I though this would be a great week for me to live my life, but I am quickly learning I have a long way to go to GAL first. But, I'm working on it.

As far as what I want? I want to go back in time about three years and do things differently.

[ironMan]

WOW, that is amazing.

good job. Yes, the [edited by dbmod: advertising/not recommended] book was useful for me as well though I do have to temper it with some empathy for what W must be going thru.

Anyway ... wow!

[AJM80]

There's a song by Adele that I cannot get out of my head lately - Rolling in the Deep. The chorus kills me. I can see us, 60 years old, retiring, traveling, waiting for grandkids, being sweet and happy. We just couldn't get there. Although it's crap - because if my H had sucked it up another 6 months till school was over, the baby was born, I was staying at home, we'd moved into a place we could stay for a couple years, etc...he probably would have been pretty happy with his life. I know what you mean about rewinding 3 years though - so much 2nd guessing and shoulda/coulda/woulda...keeping GAL'ing.

My 2 cents - being married is worth it. Your wife is worth it or you wouldn'd have married her and you wouldn't have come here when she hurt you. You're going to have to get through all this and get over it and deal with it before you can have a great relationship with any woman. It might as well be her, because she's always going to be there in your heart and life. Might as well be there with you and your D together. One nice guy pitfall is blaming yourself too much/rehashing and not being focused on what can BE.

What does BITS stand for?

The video for Rolling in the Deep is on Youtube..pretty good.
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
We could have had it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
It all, it all, it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),

[OnMyWay]

BITS was coined, I believe, by FellOnBlackDays in his "Shine on You Crazy Diamond" series of threads. Stands for "Brothers In The Sh!t." FOBD is an excellent DBer and his threads are full of emotions, challenges, victories, and heartache. He's beginning to see results, though, both in his R with his W and with himself as he GAL. His sitch is very similar to both mine and ironMans. Although he and his WAW don't have any kids. I believe that is one added element that has kept ironMans WAW at home and mine solidly in the picture.

My 2 cents - being married is worth it. Your wife is worth it or you wouldn'd have married her and you wouldn't have come here when she hurt you. You're going to have to get through all this and get over it and deal with it before you can have a great relationship with any woman. It might as well be her, because she's always going to be there in your heart and life. Might as well be there with you and your D together. One nice guy pitfall is blaming yourself too much/rehashing and not being focused on what can BE.

AJM80, I agree with this 100%. If I could go back to the beginning, I'd still choose to do it all over again. Up until a couple of years ago, it was all so worth it. Right now, my personal challenges I am facing that are holding me back seem to be as follows:

1) I have a ways to get to GAL, yet.
2) Part of this has to do with the fact I need to get my testicles out of my W's purse.
3) W still isn't interested in me as a husband or friend (she still seems to respect me as a father), although she will come onto me for sex when it's convenient for her, but reject me when I need a little something. #2 above will apply here as well, as I need to stop being so "accommodating."
4) I feel very disrespected in that she left and split up our family. That's a pretty big issue for me and I am having a hard time getting over it. Most of my anger comes from being a LBS.
5) I wouldn't accept her back w/o some sort of punitive action on her part for her PA and for leaving. There must be consequences for her actions or what's to say she won't do it again when it is convenient for her. #1 & #2 above should help me with this, although I believe trust will be an issue for me for a long time. I was the proverbial clueless husband. That can never happen again.

For now, I'm staying in blackout mode, so W can have her time with her family. I'm trying to decide if I can muster up enough happiness to be excited with W & D get back next week from their visit. I'll of course be excited to see my D. I talk with D everyday on the phone. I can tell she's missing me. Perhaps it has to do with the fact this is the first time with her extended family and I'm noticeably NOT around. Who knows? W's fam is giving me the cold shoulder. That's ok. Not my problem.

[PEI]

Hey there OMW,

First of all ... you are on the right track, keep posting and tweaking ... remember to do what works!

With that ... now a few thoughts ...

First, you were never a trophy to me, period. No discussion on that. Yes, our relationship [censored]. We have our issues and disagree on many topics, but I never saw you as my "prize" or the girl to strut around on my arm.

While I COMPLETELY understand you wanting to say this because it's true and you never meant to make her feel this way ... this statement doesn't validate her feelings. Regardless of how you MEANT to make her feel, her feelings were very real and valid. Try practising validation statements and replace the need to defend or explain yourself with them. Try "I'm sorry you feel/felt that way" and a simple "I understand" often do the trick. You can practise on everyone ... I often use it with my kids

Also, forgiving someone for something they've done is really for YOU. I once heard it said that "resentment is like a poison we drink expecting someone else to die". Forgiveness frees YOU. Once you take that step, once you decide to move forward, you can NOT bring up the affair from the past. You must focus on going forward.

You're going to have to get through all this and get over it and deal with it before you can have a great relationship with any woman.

YEP.

One of the things that really helped me get through the early stages of this process was simplifying. I focused on two things ...

1. Validation. "I'm sorry you feel that way."
2. Actions not words. Whenever I felt like I wanted to say something, I (usually) stopped myself (often with the help of the good folks here because I learned to post first!) and tried to figure out how to SHOW not SAY what I meant.

Keep truckin' OMW ...

Peace
PEI

[OnMyWay]

While I COMPLETELY understand you wanting to say this because it's true and you never meant to make her feel this way ... this statement doesn't validate her feelings. Regardless of how you MEANT to make her feel, her feelings were very real and valid. Try practising validation statements and replace the need to defend or explain yourself with them. Try "I'm sorry you feel/felt that way" and a simple "I understand" often do the trick. You can practise on everyone ... I often use it with my kids

EXCELLENT TIP! Thanks so much PEI! Little tidbits like that really help me stay focused. I'll definitely use this. I have actually complained to her many times that my feelings are real and that non-acknowledgement of those feelings hurts me and causes me to close down. This one little thing will help me tremendously with trying to open myself back up.

[OnMyWay]

Ok, tonight is the last night of my solo GAL week. Tomorrow, my WAW and D will return from their trip from out of state. It has been a great week and, for once, I feel like I made some real GAL progress. I am certainly in a better place than I was a week ago. Amazing how some time away from all the BS helps me to gain clarity.

However, I'd be a liar if I didn't say I have some anxiety about tomorrow. I'm not sure what I'll be getting back. My parents saw WAW while she was in Florida for her visit and said she was completely withdrawn. She hasn't held an actually conversation with me for a while now. I have to pick them up at the airport. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm in such a good mood right now, I'm hoping I can keep it going and push it through past their return. (*sigh*)

I'm kind of hoping to get them in WAW's car and having her drop D and me off at home and just keep on moving.

It will be good to have D back. I miss her!

[OnMyWay]

Well, I've royally screwed this up.

Picked up my WAW & D last night at the airport. WAW was rather talkative, but I saw on facebook that she had gotten a tattoo while with her sister in Florida. I dislike tattoos. She knows it, too, but did it anyway - kind of like a big eff-u. I found this to be something like my last straw. I'm done here.

Then, on the way home, she starts in with forcing her way into being "Primary Parent" again (something she's done in the past, as she is guilty for leaving D), telling D she'll be "back tomorrow night" and "spend time with her," etc. Never once did I get a "if you don't mind" or an "can I stop by," just the usual "I'm gonna do what I want" bs.

Pisses me off, that she can effing cheat on me, leave me, then drive the conversation anyway she wants, as if I don't exist and she is all righteous in everything - she is such a hypocrite. Next weekend, she's already made plans, assuming I wanna spend time with my D (which I do), and has spent all this money on tix for her next big weekend. Her solution is to just hire a babysitter - nevermind she has no cash, but can go to shows and get tattoos, while asking me for $$$. I'm feeling used. I'm sick of her sh!t. I'm so ready to L up and file against this B@#tch!

This has forced me to schedule an emergency telephone convo with my DB coach first thing in the am. I'm lost. I have no more interest in her or anything she says or does. She is totally untrustworthy and a liar. I'm admittedly angry, but I can't help but hope life stands up and punches her dead in the face. Unfortunately, It'll all be my fault, I'm sure.

BITS, what the hell do I do? Someone grab a handful of 2x4's and slap me silly!

[OnMyWay]

Oh, and perhaps this will all be irrelevant. I, or some reason am heavily moderated - maybe it's my use of colorful language? It seems to take a minimum of 48 hours to get my posts up, but any help you have will be appreciated, even it if is better late than never.