I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Wii, I thought about changing my screen name, but it's general enough that it just takes a fresh way to look at it.

I'm still Clinging To Hope that I will survive and thrive all of this.

I've calmed down a lot the past couple of days. BobbiJo said the down times don't last as long for her when she gets a shock and it seems to be that way for me now.

There have been some positive financial developments and that always helps.

It seems I qualify as "single - head of household" for IRS purposes now because we've been separated so long. That means my $3,000 IRS bill is now going to be just $400.

I'd already pulled the money out of an IRA to pay the $3,000 so now I'm paying off my legal bills, auto insurance for next six months, my one week of summer camp for the girls that I'll be responsible for.

My bankruptcy attorney said those are all legitimate bills a trustee would not quibble over and I might as well pay off as many legitimate bills between now and filing.

So once the divorce gets done and the bankruptcy over I'll be able to refinance the auto bill -- through my 401k not a bank -- and it'll free up $260 per pay check with the lower auto loan and no credit card payments.

That'll mean the second and third jobs will be able to go towards funding my kids college accounts rather than just paying minimum credit card payments.

The past couple of days with the girls have been good. I was setting up my summer schedule. I'll have the girls for four full weeks and four weekends this summer. I had to give up two weekends for running races (summer job No. 2) so STBXW will have them for seven weekends. But by doing the races I'll be able to fully enjoy the time with the girls. D12 said something this morning that I really liked. She wants to work every day we are together. I've been really worried about her.

We also plan on going to see my sister in Minnesota the week of July 4. I've never been up to visit her. It'll also be the longest time the girls will have been in the car together -- that'll be interesting.

I also have a big break between races -- from June 11-12 to mid-August, which means I'll have five kid-free weekends to enjoy. Last year, I was dreading those and I still have a little fear of being alone, but I have to face it and now I should be actually "single" and not have to explain the whole separation thing.

The girls are looking forward to summer as well. The week in August STBXW goes back to South Dakota is going to hurt. But hopefully another year will dull that pain.

My divorce rebuilding class starts up again next week. It's good to have that time to listen to others and share my problems.

The photos were my fault because I went searching for trouble. Still, stuff sneaks up on me. The lady in the office behind me just got divorced -- her process took just a couple of months -- and she was on the phone with her ex who also works here and is a friend of mine. I felt like turning around and closing her office door, but I thought that would be rude. At one point she got this tone when talking about kids and extra time that I recognized from my own conversations and ... I had to get up and go down stairs and eat my lunch.

It's hard to explain the tone ... a softness that could be interpreted as either pity or regret.

Last night, the girls and I were eating at the mall. I'd taken them to a resale shop for some work pants -- I haven't been updating my wardrobe -- and they got a couple of shirts ($2 each). We passed this bungi jumping attraction. Over the winter, I'd taken them and D12 had done 32 flips -- her all-time best. I reminded her and she said her record was 51 now. She'd done that with STBXW. It was a reminder that I only see 40 percent of her life now.

Next week will be interesting. I have the opening day game on Thursday then get the girls Friday for a three-day weekend, which also covers my 42nd birthday. I am hoping NOT to see STBXW, but it's probably unavoidable because I'll have to either pickup or drop the girls off at the house next week because it's spring break week.

I need some time away for a while.

I also hope to get some energy again at work. The restarting of the divorce process, the pictures and these 5 a.m. workouts have kind of zapped me during the day.