Since I arrived on this board I've gotten some great advice and had the chance to read not only the BDing books but several others that have been really useful to me. I've also had a safe place to vent and to realize that I'm not alone in all of this. For that I am grateful. Harrier, Sandi2, CS, JTB, and JSed, thanks folks, I appreciate you following my story.
There are four possibilities for me now:
(1) there's an A, and it stays undercover (2) there's an A, and it's revealed (3) there's no A, and I worry and ruin my M over very little (4) there's no A, and I get on with a good life
Which senario couldn't I live with? #3. I'd never forgive myself.
If it's #1 or #2, then eventually I'll have a decision to make.
If it is #4, why waste this precious time worrying about it?
Clearly, I have a lot of work to do to recover from the bad situation I found myself in, to forgive my W, build my confidence back up, and become the man I was and want to be again. That's all I can control. So let's get to it.
I'll no longer try to win back my Ws respect. I've come to the conclusion that spouses either give their respect, thereby filling us up with the confidence and strength to lead and care for our families, or they don't. I've not done anything remotely "bad" enough to make my W withdraw her respect - that was her choice. She could have very easily addressed any problems, asked for what she needed, and watched as I took care of those issues. "I love you. I need X, Y, Z. You are my man and I know you can do this for us." - that would have done it. But that was her choice.
Also, the ups and downs of all this have been brutal. It has occurred ot me that, while some ups and down are the norm, that mine might be a bit unusual. Never thought I'd be in this situation, but I seem to have plenty of company. My current therapist, while a good guy who has helped me, doesn't seem to specialize in this sort of thing. So I'm so going to put him on the bench for now, and try someone else. I'm pretty sure his business won't go under.
I'm going to think of my W as the wonderful, caring person I fell in love with. I'm going to treat her that way (while maintaining some boundaries) and think of her as having lost her way (teething, perhaps?). I'm going to think of our past conversations as our mistakes and what she said as the words of someone who was scared or lost. I'm going to try and look at things as an outsider, and detach some (going to the balcony, ala Wm Ury in his book "Getting to Yes"). If needed her respect, maybe she just needs my calm presence. And, don't worry, I won't be a doormat either.
I've asked my current therapist if there are other's in similar situations as me - he laughed and said, oh yeah. Some don't have insurance that pays for sessions and struggle with the payments - so I asked him about donating to start a little fund to help pay for initial sessions for other men dealing with what we are dealing with (not alot of $$, I'll have to raise some money). It's just something I want to do. I can't imagine how hard this would be without the help I've gotten.
Finally, I'm going to take a little break from posting about my situation here. I'll be around, but for a little while...if I can manage it....I'm going to do more reading than posting.
