Take The Long Way Home...

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
So many of you replied to my post last night that it would be impossible for me to thank each of you individually. So, from the bottom of my heart, I want to say "Thanks" and I am so glad that you are here.

I want each of you to know that my post last night was not as dark as it seemed. It truly was nothing more than what is going through my head right now. I am sorry if it made any of you worry too much about old FOBD.

Honestly team, I don't know if I should be worried or happy these days. A very strange calm seems to have come over me and I don't know if it is because I am more detached now than I have ever been or if I may have, at this point, finally just given up. I really, really don't know. I guess the answer will come to me over the next few days or weeks.

There is still love in my heart for my wife. Very deep and passionate love like I have never held in my heart for anyone else. She was the one I wanted to die in the arms of someday. But, she doesn't love me and that can no longer be denied or ignored. She is where she is and there is nothing I can do about it. More importantly, I have to remind myself each day that I am the one that put her there. Sometimes in life the toughest prisons are the one we build brick by brick for ourselves. What a mess we can create when we don't try to do the right things...

Tomorrow would have been my 10th anniversary. I will do my best to treat it just like the other 51 Thursdays that will go on in 2011. I will get up, go to work, do my job to the best of my ability, and return home to feed and take care of myself. I will come here, check on my buddies, assess the days musings and go off to bed. And, I will repeat this over and over until my W decides that a life with me is worth having or until I decide I am done and ready to move on. I am not a religious man, I must confess to all. I haven't stepped foot in a church in years. But, there is a part of me that does believe in a higher power. And, I guess for now, he has other plans for me.

Wife, I do still love you. I do still want to spend the rest of my life with you. I can still smell your hair, feel the touch of your skin, taste your kiss on my lips whenever I close my eyes and imagine those things. But, for right now, we cannot, for whatever reason, be together. I will no longer rely on hope to fix what is broken. It will take hard work, dedication and love. I am prepared to offer all those things. If you do not want that from me, I will wish you the best and send you off. Maybe, some day, we might just find each other again. I love you!

Rest easy tonight, BITS. Tomorrow is just another day...

FOBD