PINCH ME of HIT ME with a 2x4

[ninelives]

ITs like , the lights go out every once and while and Im saying things that I truly feel but isnt helping the cause.

But when she tells ME to grow up, I think instantly. Who the hell is being the teenager here?. Who is acting like a spoiled brat and taking down her family with her? I didnt say them but i thought them.

I did say, " If you want to mention grown up behaviour, think back to last Sunday when you brought up suicide to get me to talk to you cause I was moving on and didnt want to hear from you,

Then she said I pressured her to get back and I said, that she was telling me point blank that her life was screwed up and she wished she didnt do those things"

I simply asked if she wanted to come back and when she said yes, i asked if she was 100% sure and she replied yes.

I said if you werent 100% sure you should have said no. But she didnt want to hurt me. What a joke! She didnt want to hurt me?

I told her that i need to be invisible to her. Just talk about the kids and ONLY when absolutely necessary.

She was also miffed at me for wanting to go to her home town and visit her brother this summer on My Bike. She said that was selfish as the kids would be left out of it. Then I said, Ok, Ill bring the kids in which case she said, thats MY brother, you dont need to be showing the kids HIS place. YOu have no business doing this since you didnt do it when we were married.

And she is right, I didnt want to travel 12 hours to her hometown to see a brother she doesnt really like. I told her time again, I regret not doing this and I want to now make ammends in my life, not for her but for me. Cause I should have visited her brother and seen his house. I told her that I want to do this for ME, not for her and she said it was too late.

She then said, She wanted to be the one to give our kids their first plane ride, not me.

I said, last Summer I wanted to take them to Florida to Disney but she was sooo wrapped up in her own life , didnt say affair but it was implied, that she couldnt see that we could have given them an excellent trip together.

She didnt say anything to that.

Went to my drum lesson, drove by her house and his truck is in the driveway.

Really feeling that last Sunday was just a dream. I believe she is close to hating me NOW.

But really, how much more can I take?

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