Today is OK

[Sanderika]

Hi (((GAG))) and Thank You!!

H was gone for 10 days, he returned on Friday evening and then worked out of state Saturday and Sunday. I saw H this am driving through town with an oversize load, he did not see me, I sent him the following text:

"Hi, I hope ur doing well...have a great trip today"

H immediately replied: "Ok"

I have to make a decision about Thursday, my gut is telling me H is back wanting a divorce and that is why we have had no contact together since March 4th. BTW, H has made no motion to contact me since his return from vacation, a huge red flag to me.

This evening after I got supper in the oven I called H and asked him to please call me this evening as we had a few things we need to talk about. His cell rang a long time and then went to voice mail. I know him, he didn't answer the phone on purpose. He is avoiding me because of guilt and shame and he doesn't want to face me. He avoids when he is also wanting something that will contradict what he knows I want. He knows I do not want a divorce. He knows he has led me to believe through his actions and words that he has interest in working on us.

I plan on asking H where his intentions lie and whether or not he will be in court on Thursday.

Should H tell me point blank that he wants to follow through with the divorce, I am planning on asking him to put a "deal" in writing to me that I cannot refuse. If the "deal" is sweet enough I will sign it and we will be done.

I further plan to tell H that we should at least work really hard at maintaining a friendship if for no other reason than our son.

I will keep you all posted.

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Hi All,

H did not return my call last evening.

I just spoke to the Secretary at the office and she told me
H has asked her to book off his entire day tomorrow from having any jobs. In fact he told her to schedule him out last Friday, immediately upon his return from vacation.

My assumption: I will be hearing from H tomorrow and that he will be going to court. BTW, the appointment time is 11:00am. The time of day alone kind of ruins the whole day for much else.

I need to vent here my anxiety and do, without question, believe that I am right about H wanting the divorce to move forward. I would think if it were going to go the other way, H would not have been in such avoidance of me of late.

I needed to talk to someone and since I cannot talk here with friends....thanks all for listening.

Sanderika

[courageous wife]

(((Sanderika)))

I am not familiar with your whole story but have read your posts to Cas and GAG and you always have very thoughtful and insightful words for them!

I hope you are wrong about tomorrow but if your H is wanting the D maybe he just feels he needs to follow it thru this time as he is still working thru his demons and thinks that will help. Once it is done, he will most likely find that the D didn't help him at all.

I do know from reading your posts to others is that you have the strength to handle whatever happens!

((((hugs))))

[dolphin_05]

(((((Sanderika)))))
There is not much I can say here except that I am feeling your hurt and pain. The positive of H going to court is that it will finally have some definitive action rather than the ongoing limbo you have been enduring for so long now.

As CW reminds you, this action will not bring H the happiness he believes he will receive.

You are a strong and resilient person and these strengths as well as your incredible love and compassion for others will enable you to move through these difficult times. Show this same dedication to yourself now.

Cas

[goodattitudegirl]

Sanderika,

I am thinking about you and have been saying prayers for you. I agree with the others. Be true to yourself and show yourself the same depth of love that you have shown H all of this time. Focus this love on yourself through this difficult time.

I am glad that H is going to court. He needs to face, at least in part, the consequences of what he has done. He will not find the happiness he is seeking with OW.

((((((((((((Sanderika)))))))))))))

GAG

[Sanderika]

Hello Ladies...

((((CW))))) (((((Cas))))) (((((GAG)))))

Thank you so much for your kindness to me.

H returned my call late yesterday afternoon. He confirmed he plans on attending today. I chose not to bring up more of the topic as he was driving. H did tell me to take more rent money the company owes us come April 1st. I will let you all know of any further discussions.

I am going to keep thinking on your words. I am going to believe that you all are right in that H will not find the happiness AND support, sympathy and acceptance he does seek with the OW. I know his needs and my love for him has always been unconditional, unfortunately for him the life with the OW he currently has is loaded up with conditions. I feel very sorry for him, but as you all remind me....this is his to discover. I have done all I can.

Your words have given me lift this morning. I can't thank you all enough for being here for me.

Sanderika

[EverHopeful]

((((((((((((((Sanderika))))))))))))))),

So sorry, days like this are hard. Try to do something for good for yourself very soon. His hopes of making himself feel better by trying to legitimize his actions will not be successful. Bandaids dont work, they have to do the work but almost never do.

Now is the time for you to take care of you and your son. It will be ok.

Ever

[dolphin_05]

Hey Sanderika,
I am so glad you popped back in to keep us up to date. I have been thinking of you and just checked to see if you had posted.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Cas

[Lost Rabbit]

Sorry to hear your update news Sanderika! The girls are right if he does go through with it he will be disappointed if he thinks its gonna give him completion and peace of mind, he is gonna find himself wanting what ever he does.. Hope that what ever happens you feel in control of what you want and that you feel content that you have done your best. Its only those feelings that make a horrible experience into a positive one. Thinking of you!

[Sanderika]

Hello Ladies,

Yesterday in court the judge asked us where we stood in our status.

She began with me and I directed her to ask H this question first, after all H is the plaintiff. I felt my answers would follow suit with his. I had an answer planned for either way.

She asked H this status stating to him that when we were last in her courtroom we had expressed the desire to dismiss the case. She noted as of date this had not been done.

H stated to her that while he understands that I do not want a divorce and further that I believe that our marriage can be repaired he has no idea what he wants to do and is at a total loss what the right solution is.

He went on to say that he is totally confused. One minute/hour/day he wants to come home and the next minute/hour/day he wants to divorce. He went on to say that he is unable to make a decision. He said that he is very tired of the turmoil that has resulted in our separation and the back and forth to court over the past three years.

She asked him if he thought if he had more time would it help. She asked him if he would be open to marriage counseling.

She told him he has two options:
A) Work harder to communicate and connect with me on his own.
B) Seek out a third party marriage counselor to assist us in identifying our troubles and seeking a solution.

H stated that he would like to try marriage counseling with me.
H went further to say that he thought it would be a great help to him in reaching a decision. He told her he was very much in favor of trying this as a solution. Ladies, I about fell out of my chair.

The judge then gave him two more options:
A) We could dismiss the current pending case while we seek counseling.
B) She can order a 6 month continuance pending the results of counseling.

H decided he wanted to continue rather than dismiss. I agreed.

This judge told us that legally she could not divorce us in the State of Maine because in Maine both parties have to 100% agree under oath that the marriage is irretrievably broken and our differences are irreconcilable. She said after speaking to us, we are not in that place, she is not going to grant us a divorce under these circumstances:

A) The defendant(me) does not want a divorce and does not believe our problems cannot be reconciled.
B) the plaintiff(H) does not know what he wants and is confused and cannot clearly admit that our differences are irreconcilable.

I listened carefully to H and believe this is true. He is absolutely 100% confused. This poor man has reached a place he acknowledges he has made a huge mess of his life and family. He told me that he is worried that what's broken cannot be fixed. He told me that he thinks about this continuously. He further stated that he felt like he has reached a point where he just doesn't care anymore about anything. He feels like he could be happy if he came home, stayed away or remained alone. He said right now any option is all good.

He wondered why I am standing and what I feel the reasons are that I am. I told him, I am a stander for us. I told him that I will not change my mind regardless if we divorce or not. I went on to tell H all of the reasons I have and he realized they have not changed at all. He then joked about son's stubbornness and said that people tell him son gets it from H, he said I think they are wrong son gets it from you. I said if we add your stubbornness to mine...son is just simply doomed to be stubborn, he hasn't got a chance to be any other way.

Ladies, I think my standing and consistencies are a haven for H. I think he needs someone and something he knows he can count on. It's Me!!!!

Now, I am actively seeking a marriage counselor. I am looking for a pro-marriage and solution based therapist. This is my last ditch effort to reconcile this marriage. This is beyond important to me and I am scared to death that I will not choose someone who will help us. I want to know that this person has a great track record of reconciling couples. H will have to feel comfortable and open minded to accept this path. He will have to realize that this takes time and results cannot be determined in one to a few sessions. This will be a raw approach and will likely result in H getting angry. I am so afraid to venture this way. I have a therapist that I see from time to time. It cannot be her, she will have a biased approach to H.

H and I rode to court together and then went for a nice lengthy lunch at a local pizzaria on our way back. He was relaxed enough to linger and not rush me (I eat way slower) We got the buffet and he waited each time before making another trip for more. I have the impression from spending time with him yesterday, that he is very comfortable with me and is beginning to value me as he should. He made several comments that complimented me and was very polite in action towards me. I was a bit reserved with H as I am accustomed at playing it cool (perhaps too cool). I need to think on this and work towards being more forward.

I have not spoken to H since I left him back at the office. When I dropped him off he said to let him know what I find out. I asked him to keep in touch with me.

He is spending time tomorrow with son, I will see him then and hope that he has a positive attitude. I am convinced that the more time he spends with us the more he will like it.

Thank you all for listening to me and reading this update. I look forward to any advice you all will have for me. Perhaps you can help me learn how to find a therapist who will work well for both of us and towards the goal I have in mind. As you have gathered I am skeptical that this will work based on H's personality.

Sanderika