PINCH ME of HIT ME with a 2x4

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Who knows, when emotions come to play everything goes to pot.

You're angry about all this right? I mean, you do have anger correct?

Use your anger as your shield, not as your sword.

By this I mean, do not lash out at her with your anger, Do not let speak for you do not call her names or play stupid games or make her pay...that would be a sword.

But a shield?
Who knows, when emotions come to play everything goes to pot.

You can use your anger to crush your emotional responses, so that logic and your goals are at the fore front.


From your other post:

I say to her, whats going on but she doesnt come in any further.

And she gets on the defensive immediately.
Her: " Why is there a problem?'"

It is soo easy to see our side in this. It really is.
When YOU are interacting with her, or are planning on it, you have a plan, a list of things you have mild expectations of happening and more than likely have a loose flow chart list of your possible responses. I am pretty sure we all do...some sort of plan of how your day is going to go.

What is harder to realize is that everyone does this, including your wife.

She opened the door but didn't come in.

Seems like a plan of sorts for her, she wasn't going to come in. Perhaps she expected you to question it?
Maybe she was upset that you didn't because she wanted an argument.

Flow chart drop down...defensive?

Mind reading? More like supposistion.
Ultimately it doesn't matter why she does what she does, what does matter is how you react.

[ninelives]

Thanks for your input Jack.

I have anger about this for sure and will try and use it more as a shield.

i dont think I have lashed out at her for the last few months but I have ignored her alot at times.

She doesnt like being ignored and always seems to want to engage, (hate to use that word) when that happens.

She does admit at times that she is doing the wrong thing to me and others but I cant understand for the life of me why she would contiue to do so..... Unless she is machevillian(sp)
the end justifies the means.

Meaning that yes , it was bad in what she has done but she needs to find happiness and she didnt have it with me and our family.

I am trying to react to everything she does from here on in with indifference. Its all I have to give I think at this point.

9

[ninelives]

got a text when I got home:

First its about some of the settlement talk and her child support and how I she wants to be paid: Fair enough.

Then about her Moms

W: Going to my moms today. We held off yesterday because sister wasnt ready. hope your day is going good. All she ever wanted was for you and I to get along for the boys sake. She worried about that. She loved you (my name)

There are two responses I would like to make but i wont make either.

First:

Well my mother is still alive and all she ever wanted was to see us get the family back together and be the happy family that she always portrayed but that doesnt appear to be happening.

Second:
Your mom also wanted to see our family back together( which she did) and for her to try and be happy in that situation.

Third: Well us getting along took a severe turn when you started sleeping with a lowlife in this town and thereby humilating all of us. Sorry, the getting along thing may not be to your liking.

What do you think? Should I respond to any of this?

9

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Did she ask a question?

Do you have to respond?

BTW responding? Is not going dark.

[ninelives]

Yes , she asked a question about the settlement and if I could do something with the child support.

[♪CS♪]

Respond to the question about the settlement but nothing else. Although I get what your saying, I think a lot of us would LOVE to say something like that, but we know it is not the right thing to do.

[2stepboogie]

I am sure by now you have responded so I am sorry for the delay but for the record I would have responded to the text about the settlement and left it at that. You went all in before and for a moment we all thought it was going to be great. Now I think you keep it business.

[Denver_2010]

I wouldn't respond to any of it 9. JMO.

BITS
Denver

[ninelives]

Well my going dark is simply OUT OF MY CONTROL.

I went to a meeting out of town. When I got back into to town her van is in my driveway. Bad sign. So i waited until she got out.

I drove to the end of the street and turned in the culd de sac but she was waiting for me.

She told me the dog had a big dump in the house and my youngest was trying to clean it up. Its my oldest sons dog so he is responsible for walking it but he is very remiss in his duties.

She was upset about that but also took it to get groomed. She was most upset that my oldest is disrespecting her most of the time and doesnt want to be with her much.

She says I dont do anything to bridge that fracture between them and I say he is almost a man, he is 16 and can make his own decisions. I said what you did was wrong and that you have to be responsible for the consequences and one of them is a bad realationship with your son.

She says but you do nothing to help fix it. I say that I do tell him that your mother loves you but I will not tell him how to feel. He knows about the affair as her heard me when I found out that night and I called her every name in the book and told her to get out. You that have followed my sitch know that awful day Oct 30.

So argue some more about this sitch and how I am so IMmature about it and that I should grow up.

She pushes my buttons when she starts firing darts and I was not able to control my temper this time around. I said EFF YOU and hung up.

She then started texting me about the sitch.

Guys , I lost my self control tonight. From the unexpected visit in my driveway to everything she said and there is more but I have to go to my drum lesson so I have to jet.

I will finish this when I get home.

I dont think there is much to save at this point. REally , was there ever when she picked OM over me over a year long affair.

I mean, I asked her to marry me after a year and they are going on a year and a half of their affair.

Maybe its time to face the facts that she is in a relationship with him that is not going to end any time soon.

9

[islander]

Hang in there 9. Take time to let everything sink in and go dark. Then continue to work on you. Don't let her push your buttons next time. When she starts to, end the conversation. I know, easier said than done, I am a perfect example. All is not lost unless you say so. None of us know whatthe future holds, and we may not be successful in saving our M, but we can save ourselves.

We have no choice but to go forward or give up. I don't think your ready to give up. Going dark is not giving up. Now is the perfect time, IMO.