How do you approach couples therapy while DBing?

[sparks14]

Gut reaction to your question Sparks is:

"Why are YOU talking?"

She is the one who isn't sure, I think I'd be more inclined to listen.

Talking about your changes...BFD. Just a list of more words, that she heard before. Not meaning to offend, its just one of those show her don't tell her.

Unless the therapist is focusing directly on you?
I'd listen twice and speak once.

Thanks, Jack. Great input. I think that I am truly trying to listen to my W in our sessions. I guess this has more to do with the topic generation than anything. Once the communication starts going, my W does begin to talk. I have really been working on validation and active listening. It has been a point a few times where my W was actually uncomfortable with me listening. She said that it came across like I was trying too hard. My therapist stated that it appears that I was really trying to validate her feelings and this was positive.

I find the days we come to couples therapy without an agenda are the most rewarding. This is when we stop and let the therapist guide our topics. I think this has allowed the most positive communication results. Rewarding to who, though? Me? I am not really sure as my W and I don't bring the conversation away from that session. That may be a topic to bring up next time.

I understand the concept that my words are only words, but my actions will go much further. The topic of my change has been in discussion, but I am not the one that brings it up. My W, like many WAS, are concerned that the changes will not last. I told her exactly what I have learned here. That my changes will only be validated with consistency over time. I actually told her that me telling her that I have changed for the better is meaningless. My therapist asked my W to accept the changes in the present as they occur. If over time, she recognizes that they are still there, then she can make up her mind whether or not to trust that the are in fact long term change.

My emotional detachment was also discussed. My therapist recognized that I have a calm to me now. I confirmed this and said that I am getting to a place where I am accepting wherever this may go.

So as far as my question goes, I guess I am asking if these are topics that I should avoid? Vets often talk that this process and the DB and DR books are our little secret and not to share. When the therapist or W ask questions about me that involve my DBing, how should I discuss them?