Looking for BITS. I'm OnMyWay

[OnMyWay]

Thanks for your feedback AJM80. I do have to decide what I want and I'm still working on that. I did respond to that email, as she has requested we keep the communication open. I think I even addressed many of the topics you brought up, but in retrospect, I probably should have backed off a little. Here's what I said:

I'm not trying to get us into a back-n-forth tit-for-tat here, so I'm hesitant to respond. But I do need to let you know some things.

First, you were never a trophy to me, period. No discussion on that. Yes, our relationship [censored]. We have our issues and disagree on many topics, but I never saw you as my "prize" or the girl to strut around on my arm. As a matter of fact, I greatly disliked the feeling of us not being equals in a partnership any longer. I do not like the "yours" and "mine." I do not like having the feeling we are not on the same page or feeling resentful of you because you are somewhere outside of our relationship (or the same of me). I hate that I have negative feelings for you or that I seem to be able to justify those feelings as being more "correct" and therefore justified. It's not right the way I feel. I admittedly resent you for a lot of things - and surprisingly, your cheating on me isn't one of those huge resentments. The way I feel (I imagine the way WE both feel) is NOT WORTHY of our marriage and it's not good enough for us. WE deserve better. The fact that we have settled for less than we deserve has caused irreparable damage and is something we should both be ashamed of beyond any justification of any action, word, emotion, or justification in itself. It's simply not ok. We both simply deserved better than we gave each other - nothing else is to blame here.

Over the past couple of years, I've had a complete disconnect with my thoughts, my feelings and my self that I have never experienced before. I know you are equally confused, as I see it in you. But, the fact remains, while our actions were wrong, the damage has been done. This feeling I am having comes from me failing me, letting go of who I am, compromising my ideals. For some reason I gave up on myself, tried to become someone different, out of some noble purpose of duty and family that is not reality. I don't know WTF I was thinking. I just know we came back here to (our town) to save our life and all we did was trash everything about what little we came back with. We came back from behind a curve and for me it was an uphill battle all the way. I've never gotten back to "me," whoever that is. I'm not sure I really know anymore.

But, again, the damage has been done: the proverbial dead horse now a mangled blob of bio mass - completely pulverized, with nothing left to beat - I'm too tired to beat it anymore anyway, so continuing to drag up our well known past is not be all that productive. Besides, I see it all much more clearly now. It lays before me everyday - a virtual vista of "us" which was never suppose to be - and I hate it. I'd be a liar if I said it didn't hurt to look out at wasteland of a marriage/family we've created together, the continual shame as my reward for participating in our failure. This is not where we are suppose to be, yet here we are - and no, it's not ok; it's NOT GOOD ENOUGH for us. In this time of failure, I can finally see that we earned what deserve; yet I demand better, if for no other reason than my self esteem. I know I have to get out of this place. I know the path I must travel and it is not an easy one - full of fear, apprehension, truth, wisdom, and ultimately (hopefully) salvation. I've already started down my path. You'll have to travel a similar route and I feel your pain, truly. I can only hope yours is much easier trek than mine has been so far.

Of course, we may not meet up at the ends of our treks. This I know and accept - I'm prepared. I know, W, that deep in my heart, you are the love of my life. I see it everyday as I consider my options of my future or in the way I compare other women to the standard you've now set. However, I have no illusions of our vows being relevant in our future. I do continue to live by them, trying to respect them, but I know their meaning fades with time and temptation - I don't like it as it goes against my principles, but it is an honest assessment. I feel you'll soon be free of these obligatory terms. The hurt of the end of our marriage has already subsided, leaving me to face alone the greatest pain of all: getting to know myself.

When we agreed to the divorce back that one day, I hope you'll remember my parting words: forgive yourself. It is something you must do. It is ok. What's done is done. It will soon be time to put this behind us and move on. For me, I hope it will yield a whole new life, one more glorious than I've never imagined I could ever have. I hope no less than the same for you, wherever that takes you. I hope the life path you choose is one where you'll truly find yourself. You are a fantastic person, no matter what I say. I'd of never been with you if that wasn't true. I hope you find the happiness I know you still carry in your heart. One day, you'll again be free to let it out. Then, perhaps, I can feel better about myself once again and find the salvation I for which I yearn.

Her immediate response via text message:

I think I fight every day, trying to answer the question"What happened to us?" I just don't know the answer... all I know is I am very content with the fact you are doing your soul searching. I hope it brings you clarity. And we were always equals in our marriage, that I agree with.. but somewherealong the line, that unfortunately disappeared... I miss my partner. I truly do...

She took D this week to go visit family out of state. I though this would be a great week for me to live my life, but I am quickly learning I have a long way to go to GAL first. But, I'm working on it.

As far as what I want? I want to go back in time about three years and do things differently.