It's Time To Rock; Part II

[gr8 day 2B alive]

CS,

IMO,
From being on this site for over 18 months and reading many threads the only thing that I seen work is when the LBS drops the rope and totally moves on with their lives. I am living proof.

I agree that you should remain myterious, women like that in a man. Also having the confidence to let go and live a happy life will attract women too.

To help get a clear picture of things ask yourself this:
Why would I want to be with someone who does WANT to be with me?

Once you have adopted this mentality, you will feel so much better.

Good job on the no contact to her texts. Remember if and only if it is about your D then respond.
Don't get sucked into replying to text when your W uses your D.
eg, isn't see cute?

You already know that answer.

[islander]

The way you describe db is actually the way that I have been thinking about it lately. That makes a lot of sense to me. Work on yourself, figure out what went wrong and your part in it, make positive changes, try new things and do what works. And remember every sitch and R is different, they just share common themes.

And remember as hard as it it and as much as it hurts, you will be ok...don't ever give up. Easier said than done, but it is the truth

[Denver_2010]

Country - Just wanted to check in on you. It sounds like you are doing great! Remember man... PATIENCE AND TIME...

This is the key.

BITS
Denver

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Well guys, I think I just had a serious lapse of concentration.

It's ironic that it happens after just reading and replying to dbmods post about patience, but here it goes.

I guess a perfect storm of sorts...

First, I am having a few beers.

Then, my brother calls to tell me they just found out they are having another girl.

Then, my W sends me a pic of D with "Goodnight! See you tomorrow!" (meaning I will see my D tomorrow, not W)

I let that simmer for a bit and reply "*brother and SIL* are having another girl. Thought you'd want to know"

She replies with joke about how all everyone has is girls and a "congrats" that I am supposed to tell them. (tell them yourself!)

Anyways, this is where I broke. I felt myself steaming a bit. It all just hit me hard. Then I get into psychotic rationalization. "Coach told me to take chances" "I haven't tried anything" "This feels like the right time to make a move" All of that crap. So.....

I reply "Hard not to think about the plans we used to have but...At least D will have another cousin to play with"

She replies INSTANTLY. Ready for this? "I know..."


And that is where we left it. Nothing more from me, nothing more from her.

I really don't know what I did here. Have her thinking? Probably. But what is she thinking? This jackass is still trying to manipulate and control me? This poor sap is still living in the past? Or could she actually be thinking about the plans we had. What she is giving up.

CS,
You don't realize it now but you will ano day when the light bulb goes off. Six months from now when your reading your posts from now you'll realize that you have been sabotaging your own efforts to reconcile.

Honestly, STOP the texting! This is your Achielles Heel.
Also, never engage in communication when "you've had a few beers".

YOU CAN DO IT.
gr8

[♪CS♪]

Thanks to everyone for checking in. A new day brings new perspective. I can’t worry about how my W interpreted my message. It was an honest feeling I had at the time. She can take it any way she chooses; I have no control over that now. I am projecting, but my guess is she pulls back some from it, but we’ll see.

Gr8, how do you reconcile your advice with what I have received from my DB coach? I know last night wasn’t a good example, but generally I have been replying to some messages, ignoring others. Not initiating the first contact, and keeping everything short and light. I read your advice as ignoring all of them? Going fully dark? I am sure you’re sick of hearing it, but I am still hesitant with that technique in my situation. She is not really pulling further away at this point; she is just kind of standing there. If I drop the rope I don’t see her falling. I just see her still standing there, but now with no one on the other side of the pond. Where does she go?

[Denver_2010]

From being on this site for over 18 months and reading many threads the only thing that I seen work is when the LBS drops the rope and totally moves on with their lives. I am living proof.

Gr82B - I have to respectfully disagree. I don't believe that completely dropping the rope and totally moving on is the only thing that works. I am proof of that.

If I had done that, I would not be reconciling my M right now. I would have been doing exactly what my W expected me to do.

I do agree that for many situations, that is the best course of action. But, more so, I believe that DBing requires doing WHAT WORKS for the specific sitch.

Good advice for some may be the nail in the coffin for others.

DR and DB only gives us a framework in which to work. We have to figure out from what we know about our WAS and the history of our M, what works within that framework.

With that being said... Country... I would lean towards following the advice of your DB coach over all else...

Again GR82B... I say this will all due respect to your experience and to what you have learned here.

BITS
Denver

[gr8 day 2B alive]

You're right islander, it's hard either way. The thing about this, I keep questioning myself. I am supposed to be unpredictable, tough to know what that is sometimes.

She finally sends an all cap PLEASE!!!!!!

So I broke down. Waited another 15 min and sent a pic. But no text from me, just the pic.

Right away, two follow up message.

Lessons here:1. you were withholding a pic from her. See how she wanted something she could have? Make that "thing" you.
2. How did you feel once she was begging for the pic?
Not attractive was it?

I read your advice as ignoring all of them?

Let's talk about proper times to respond:
1. If your daughter is sick and needs help.
2. If it has to do with daughters schedule.

What else really matters?

She is not really pulling further away at this point; she is just kind of standing there. If I drop the rope I don’t see her falling. I just see her still standing there, but now with no one on the other side of the pond. Where does she go?

This is all your perception of her thoughts. Did she tell you this? NO? then you don't know.

Man or Woman, it doesn't matter. Having two people interested in you makes you feels good. It's exciting.

Removing yourself from the equation takes away their excitement.

What have you done differently that your W would notice you?
How is your mood when you exchange your D?

I agree, Friendship is the foundation for a good R.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Edit,

under lessons, it should have read "something she COULDN'T HAVE"

[♪CS♪]

Denver, I agree that we need to adapt to our unique situations, I just wish that didn’t make it so much harder. If there was one “best” approach it would make it a lot easier, we wouldn’t have to question whether we are doing the right thing. I know I battle this a lot. But what I have decided to do is follow the advice of my DB coach, at least for now. I know this will not be over soon, so I always have a chance to change course. That is what makes all of the different opinions here so valuable.

This is all your perception of her thoughts. Did she tell you this? NO? then you don't know.

I don’t think it is a perception of her thoughts; it is my perception of her actions. Not filing for D, contacting me, joking around with me, etc. You are absolutely right that when it comes down to it, IDK. But, I also have to be aware of her actions, and how that might affect my sitch.

Man or Woman, it doesn't matter. Having two people interested in you makes you feels good. It's exciting.

Removing yourself from the equation takes away their excitement.

I see this point.

What have you done differently that your W would notice you?
How is your mood when you exchange your D?

I think a big thing IS the way I have treated her through this. I noted this before, when she left, she was scared. Scared of my anger and how far I might take it. Being friendly and not showing any anger towards her has been a BIG 180 for me, and she has noticed. She mentioned it.

I think it is important to think about why our W’s left. In our situation a lot was due to my anger and my controlling nature. I was unfortunately not the most caring H. I was usually more interested in getting what I wanted, and her be damned. That is why I feel this 180 is important for me. By having friendly interactions I am showing that I have regained control over my anger. By not always ignoring her I am showing that I do care about her, I do care what she wants. For me, ignoring her is exactly what I did throughout our M.

I have been able to keep a positive and upbeat mood during our interactions. Just a side note, our exchanges of D are typically a drop off and then pick up of daycare, so face time for us is not frequent.

I agree, Friendship is the foundation for a good R.

I agree 100%



I really appreciate your participation in my thread gr8. I know I have not always followed your advice, but that does not mean I am no listening or do not appreciate it. I am simply trying to merge all of the different information into something that I believe will work for me. All of the opinions I receive are critical in forming that decision.

[♪CS♪]

Well, I had to finally go ahead and send her the message about the amount she owes me for mortgage/bills. Friendly yet cold and business-like exchange regarding the bills and some logistics about our D.

Not a good vibe...