This is a long story and I am sorry for it, but I need to tell someone. I need to tell this secret to someone. and any help in how to deal with this would be helpful. I would especially like to hear from people who were able to make this work.
I have always been fairly easy to define. I am shy and naive. I can be stuborn and moody when I do not get my way. I am very self contious. I am young. I was only 19 years old when I started dating my husband. I was only 22 years old when I married him and that same year my daughter was born. She is now almost 4 years old. I only have two friends...my husband and one other friend (who is friends with both myself and my husband). Also, my family has not always been there for me and I have broken from them. So the only family I have is my husband and daughter.
I tell you those things so that you can begin to understand some of the things that i went through with my mind and eyes. At the begining of November my husband told me that he did not love me anymore and he was going to leave me. He said that we were not compatable and that he was not happy. He was over whelmed with obligation and responibility. To say that I was surprised would be the understatement of my life. I was completely blind sided. He never told me he was not happy. He never said that he wanted things to change. We never talked about anything negative about the state of our marriage and instead of giving me the chance to try, all he kept saying was that he has already tried. And all I kept saying was how was it possible you tried if I did not know there was a problem. I know that I am not the only person that has every gone through this, but I felt very alone.
I spent the better part of a week carrying on like a crazy person. I cried all of the time. I could not sleep. I could not eat(I lost 15 pounds). I was not able to take care of my daughter. I was suicidal. For this whole five month period. I had a plan and everything. I finally pulled it together to talk to him. I told him that he means everything to me. That we have been through a lot together. That we cannot just throw everything away without really trying. He finally told me that he was going to take a 10 day vacation to give himself a chance to miss me and then he would come back and work on our marriage. He left and I was a crazy mess. Every minute he was gone was gone solidified in my mind that I wanted him and I loved him and I could not live without him. I saw some of the things in me that I think he did not like. Some of the things in me that have changed and I vowed to myself that I would change them back.
He came back and he looked hopeful. Which made me hopeful. I clung to that look. And we tried. I tried to talk to him. I did more around the house. I took care of my baby so he did not have to. I tried to fix all of the things about myself that I thought he might not like. I talked to him more and we did more together. I was happy for the most part. But he refused to tell me he loved me. He kept saying he was not ready. And we kept having set backs, I did not understand why. One day (At the begging of March-about 4 months after he told me he did not love me anymore) I got onto his computer and I found a link to a diary website. My husband had an account and he was reading a womens entrys. It was obvious to me about the things she was saying that she was having an affair with my husband. I was upset, but I clamly looked at him and asked him if he was cheating on me. And he told me he did have an affair with this women. He was still talking to her on the phone during the last few months when we were trying to make this work. And as he was anwsering my questions and I started to realize that I subcountiously knew (at least some of it). We talked for a while and at the end of it....I felt better. Like a huge weight was off of my shoulder. Does that make sense? He said that he was so glad that I confrunted him, that he talked to me about it. He said that he loved me. He wanted to be with me. He said that he was sorry. He said that he felt better now that he told me about it and he told me he loves me. He says thing like we belong together. He said that this girl looked a lot like me, with a lot of the same intersest. He thought that he was drawn to her because she was so much like me (he seemed very honest and I want to beleive him). I told him that he had to completely cut ties with this women and he said he knew. He called her and told her it was over (it was a 3 minute conversation). He canceled all of his online accounts where he met her and kept in contact with her. And we started working on us again.
And it has been a month since this has come out. For the most part it has been a wonderful month. I still love him. I want to be with him. He makes me happy. And he says all of the things I want to hear. He tells me he loves me, that he is never going to leave me and we will be together forever, he tells me he is happy. He tells me he is sorry and that he made a terrible mistake. We have been having fun together again. Our sex life is amazing. He seems to always want to make love to me. We have not been apart at all, he has been very patient with me.
When we are together I am wondeful. I am happy. It is better than it was before all of this. I feel closer to him and he says he feels closer to me. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But when I am away from him I get scared. I have doubts. I question him and I do not want to. And here is the worst part. I am so racked with doubt at these times that I go online and check the OW blog. She is in the middle of telling their story from the beggining. All I see when I read it is the wholes in the story he has told me. I know I should stop looking on that site. It is only hurting me more and it is not going to help me at all. But he promised me that when I ask him a question no matter how hard it is for him he will be honest with me. And when I read that site I see that he is still not being honest with me. What do I do? Everytime I bring any of this upto him and ask him any questions about the OW and their relationship he gets so upset. I do not want to hurt him, but when I do ask a question I need him to be honest with me. I am trying to rebuild my trust for him and he is still lying to me. I know that he just wants her to go away. He wants to forget this horrible thing he has done, but I am having trouble moving past the details. He does not want to tell me the details because he does not want to hurt me and he wants us to be able to move on. What should I do?
