My Wife Wants to Separate

[zengypsy]

DF:

Couple of things....

My STXH said the same thing to me aboutme when I was going to therapy. I think he noticed some change as well, but he too said although I'm very happy for you, it's come too late. It's NEVER too late no matter what IMHO. Some people never even get it. WE did. Step/Goal #1. She is just trying to remain in control and perhaps is still angry and frustrated as to why it took YOU so long to get this point when she has been doing cartwheels to get you notice so many times before. Our S's don't have the trust that these changes will be permanent because of all the empty promises we have made in the past. I think you can say to her when she comments like that, I appreciate your recognition in noticing my changes and I'm sure you have doubts, but this is who I am now.

I would handle her feelings about her being the bad guy by maybe saying something like this (and I'm quoting TrueGritter)

W, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.

You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.

I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.


You are basically validating her feelings, detaching lovingly and not pressuring her. Look at all those DB Skills wrapped up in a small bow! ;-) I think if you told her these words, she would look at you like who is this guy?! Would it be a 180 for you compared to how you would react in the past? Think about True's response vs. the one you had wanted to say. Which one do you think will get you more of the same or a different response?