My W and I have been separated since early January and she is involved in an EA/PA with a married man from work.
Since starting DB’ing we have had virtually zero R talk. My W is very comfortable and friendly with me, too much so at times. I have had 3 coaching calls and my current plan of attack is to stay friendly with her, but with an emphasis on being unpredictable. Ensuring that I am not ALWAYS there for her.
We have a 20 month old D who splits time with both of us.
Our primary form of communication is through text messages. Phone calls here and there and some face-to-face, but not a lot at all. Once a week at most. W’s contact with me has picked up in the recent weeks. She is also now including things that do not have to do with our D. “How are you doing this weekend?” “Hope you’re having fun!” etc. I also noticed that in her message last night, she phrased the question “How is our D tonight?” First time since this began she has referred to her as “ours.”
Despite no legal restriction, she has yet to file for D and never even brings up the “D” word.
My biggest weakness is to over analyze, however, I try to let it all out here so I do not let it build up. I have also been better with not “reacting” to it, but rather thinking, and then letting it go, realizing I really have no idea.
I would say my biggest 180 is getting a control over my temper and letting go of a tendency to want to control everything. I have been reading Buddhist material and have in my opinion, developed a more healthy attitude towards life. I have also started taking guitar lessons and have been getting out of the house much more than I used to.
While I do believe I am seeing positive changes in my W’s behavior, I know that at the very most I am still a LONG way off towards any reconciliation. My DB coach has emphasized patience and how long it may take for my W’s feelings for OM to begin to change. I also know there are absolutely no guarantees that will ever happen, or at least within a reasonable timetable.
I am fully prepared for the worst, while also trying to keep the door open for the best.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Hey CS, keep posting and letting it out here! I'm on my third thread myself - and can only imagine how many bad conversations with my W it's saved me. I found some of the eastern philosophical stuff to be helpful as well.
Really hate those married OM at work. Vent this way anytime you want.....
Thaw was an AWESOME post! I love how you are taking note of the things you are doing well, I think your determination and patience is amazing, and it's wonderful to hear that you are taking guitar lessons and taking care of you.
It's also very clear that if your wife is willing to get involved with a man in another marriage, without first resolving issues in her current marriage...well all I can say is both of them are headed for more pain, and your wife's only path to happiness there is to one day her lesson and leave that bloke behind.
As you and I are learning, in order for relationships to be healthy and to flourish, there has gotta be very clear boundaries, standards, and lines that can't be crossed.
How anybody can think they could build a trusting new relationship with someone who is already showing they are untrustworthy and willing to have an affair...that is totally beyond me.
You are clearly the better man, Country. Don't you dare forget that!
God bless you, your wife and your daughter. I pray that you stay strong, that you steadily continue as you have been doing, that you continue to learn and grow and shine, and that one day soon your wife will not only see your light, but exclusively embrace your love, and fully accept the responsibilities and rewards of being a committed wife and mother.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Good to hear from you again Country. ONe thing i want to ask you and I struggle with.
How do you stay friends with your W shile she is doing all this? I havent been able to achieve this at all, only when she mentioned R talk did I warm up to her again and consider her remotely my friend.
Otherwise I tend to ignore her unless the kids are involved.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Still and Busting, thank you for your thoughts. This is a great place to let it all hang out. I am not sure I would be able to cope without a good release mechanism like this place. Beyond that, it can just be amazing to see the support that so many people here give and get. Truly a lifesaver for all of us.
That is a tough question to answer 9. I guess in reality I actually do not consider what I am doing as “being friends.” I know I have said this before, but I look at it as simply being friendly. I am not taking her to a ball game or pricking my finger and pressing it against hers or anything.
To get more to your point though, I think part of it for me is what my relationship was always like with my W. We always were very good friends. We share a very similar sense of humor and we enjoyed just hanging out together. I just like her I guess. Don’t get me wrong, it can be very hard. I think of what she is doing sometimes and I want to punch a wall, but this is also one of my demons I am working on. One of my biggest 180’s through all of this is getting control of my anger issues. Overall, I have come a long ways. I think by being friendly towards her in this time is absolutely shocking for her. When she first left she was afraid of me. She thought I would hurt her. This was a HUGE wakeup call for me. I never realized how much my anger scared her. I couldn’t believe that she actually felt I would hurt her. It just showed me how bad it actually was. So, long story short, I think it is important in my case to show her this.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Well no complaining about my W sending me too many text today. We have had no contact since Sunday.
It is a bit of a damned if you do, damned if you don't sort of thing. When she is bugging me I can get frustrated, when she is not I can start to wonder. I actually have a reason to contact her, she owes me the 2nd installment of her mortgage + bills payment for the month and she had asked over the weekend how much it was. I could send her that, but IDK. I don't really even know if I want to send her that right now.
But, with that said, I have been able to stay pretty even keel. Had my 3rd guitar lesson tonight and now I can kick back and practice for a while.
What else can we do other than move forward...
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Yep. A roller coaster that shakes you around, flips you upside down, and then to top it all off the person in the seat in front of you pukes and it flies in your face. You get off bruised but still standing. You stare at the people in line thinking they are crazy to get on this thing. But then you remember, they have already paid their ticket. No going back now...
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Well guys, I think I just had a serious lapse of concentration.
It's ironic that it happens after just reading and replying to dbmods post about patience, but here it goes.
I guess a perfect storm of sorts...
First, I am having a few beers.
Then, my brother calls to tell me they just found out they are having another girl.
Then, my W sends me a pic of D with "Goodnight! See you tomorrow!" (meaning I will see my D tomorrow, not W)
I let that simmer for a bit and reply "*brother and SIL* are having another girl. Thought you'd want to know"
She replies with joke about how all everyone has is girls and a "congrats" that I am supposed to tell them. (tell them yourself!)
Anyways, this is where I broke. I felt myself steaming a bit. It all just hit me hard. Then I get into psychotic rationalization. "Coach told me to take chances" "I haven't tried anything" "This feels like the right time to make a move" All of that crap. So.....
I reply "Hard not to think about the plans we used to have but...At least D will have another cousin to play with"
She replies INSTANTLY. Ready for this? "I know..."
And that is where we left it. Nothing more from me, nothing more from her.
I really don't know what I did here. Have her thinking? Probably. But what is she thinking? This jackass is still trying to manipulate and control me? This poor sap is still living in the past? Or could she actually be thinking about the plans we had. What she is giving up.
IDK, maybe a combination of all of them.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Not to me. Sure all those are part of a technique to help save your marriage but in the end DB to me is a way of life. It is a long hard look in the mirror so that you can 1st Acknowledge how you have contributed (not ruined because two played this game) to the decline or your M and 2nd make real changes in your life so that YOU can be a better person going forward, not as much for your M but for yourself.
In the end the one thing that stands out in my mind is "do what works” but the only way to know what works is to try it. Sometimes you get the result you want sometimes you don’t. Sometimes we get the result we are expecting but get upset when we get it.
I don’t think you require a 2x4 for asking the question country or rather making the statement.
I know you jump over sometimes 2x4 in hand ready to swing it at me and that is ok because I have a big head so it’s hard to miss. Your W lives in the same town she see’s you sometimes and text you often. She is thinking all the time. This was obvious from a few weeks ago. Mine is 1500 miles away in a new town new apt new job much easier to heal and move on. There is a difference between the two of us in that regard but in the way we handle things we are somewhat similar. In reality I don’t believe the comment was out of line. She did not respond because she is thinking.
