Here is the email I just sent her. She deserves mroe than me at thsi point.
" XXXXX,
I beleive you when you say you are not cheating, I know you are not that kind of person. I do have trust in you, my mental feelings are nto because of you, they are because of me.
Thus I should never push my emotional distress on you when I am down. Last night was a cluster of emotion and honesty.
I see that I will not make you happy and I cannot beg you to stay and put the pressures of keeping the family happy as a unit. You have been doing that YOUR ENTIRE life for everyone. I KNOW THAT.
I will not ask or attempt to force myself upon you any longer. I WILL NOT. I do want to be your best friend but those are HUGE shoes to fill and I know I will probably not get there. However I want to be your friend and right now I am not.
I know I can be that man, but the pressures or you needing to grow without me is too much for me to handle right now. I want you to remain my wife but if you being this unhappy is the result then you deserve more. I love you and I will do my best to not bring up our situation anymore.
You are the most amazing mother, wife and friend anyone could ever ask for, the problem is I never knew what I had until I lost it.
I wish you had posted the letter here before sending it to your W.
Okay, let's get something straight. And it's important for all the other new posters reading this to understand. STOP ACTING LIKE IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. IT IS NOT.
When a WAS leaves, they are filled with all types of emotions - pain, guilt, shame, depression, etc. The FIRST thing they will do is to transfer much of those feelings into anger to justify their actions and make their spouse the number one bad guy.
Think really hard. I bet your W had many faults also. But now suddenly she's a saint when she wants to leave? BS! I'm not saying that the LBS is not without fault. However, it's always a two way street.
Sending messages like the one you did justifies their action to leave and makes you the scapegoat. They leave satisfied and happy because suddenly it's all because of the LBS.
They act like bullies. BULLIES CUT OTHERS DOWN SO THEY CAN STAND ABOVE THEM. That's why it's important for the LBS to regain their sense of self-worth. You are worth the R. We all are. In fact, the LBS's here are BETTER than the WAS because they are actually taking the time to understand their spouse rather than just leaving.
That's why GALing is so important. It's to help you to get back your self worth that the WAS has destroyed. It is IMPORTANT to get your SELF back and remind yourself that YOU are worth it. Last time I checked, your W isn't perfect. The last person who was, could walk on water. Can your W? No I didn't think so.
Second. It's important to get your confidence back because if in the event there is an OP, you are showing strength and that you are the better choice. Confidence is key. Also, when there is an OP involved, it is NOT your fault for your spouse to cheat. It is their decision. It shows them being weak for not being able to uphold their M vows.
Stop devaluing yourself and putting your W on a pedestal. She's human and has made her fair share of mistakes. I bet there were many times that she disappointed you, yet you were able to forgive them and let them pass. For whatever reason, your W chooses not to do that.
"and that is not ok for me to make her unhappy just so I can feel better about myself."
YOU don't make her feel unhappy. She CHOOSES to not feel happy. Your W makes you feel like crap, yet YOU CHOOSE to be happy. All of that is a choice you make as an individual. No one can make you feel anything that you don't want to. Remember that.
Did you ever see the movie "Cool Runnings" about the Jamaican bobsled team? Watch this and repeat it to yourself until you know it to be true. http://youtu.be/_Gqwi7Y96sk
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You are Rocky and your W is the son. But the message is the same. Take ownership of your own life and problems and stop blaming others. Likewise, stop assuming blame for someone else's life choices. It's their life. It's their choice. NOT YOURS.
Stop beating yourself up and start asserting that you are a man of worth.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You are Rocky and your W is the son. But the message is the same. Take ownership of your own life and problems and stop blaming others. Likewise, stop assuming blame for someone else's life choices. It's their life. It's their choice. NOT YOURS.
Stop beating yourself up and start asserting that you are a man of worth.
And WHATEVER you do, DON'T become the side of raw meat, hanging in the meatlocker.
Well, the weekend went well. Except last night in bed I had somewhat of a meltdown. Nothing is changing and I guess that is nothing new either. Another week for me to work on myself.
