Thanks Snodderly, but the yard is far from beautiful yet. Yes, the gardening, working with plants is peaceful and stress reducing. If just somehow seems like a waste of time. It's not my 'home' anymore. I just live here.
I have wondered about timing of the letter. I truly have no ulterior motive, just feel I have to close somehow on 20 years. Probably selfish on my part, and fruitless in the bargain. I will hold off for now. Wait until after the D on May 4th.
As someone who sent a letter, I would say to wait a good while. I wanted to do it for me. But, I wanted to be sure I was in a place where any kind of reaction from him would do me no harm. And truthfully, I wanted to be heard, otherwise, really, what's the point?
While you are detached, you still are feeling hurt and angry at times. And your h is nowhere near ready to "hear" you so you'd just be spinning your wheels.
Punkin is there a chance that you can afford to keep this property for yourself (just wondering) and if so, will you? I was surprised but with a refinance and a buyout of XH's equity I was able to keep mine.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I should say that my loan is larger than the original sale price of the house 16 years ago, but I can still afford the monthly mortgage, so I've kept it. Tons of work but I have 10 cats here--some outdoor cats--and if I leave I'd have to find many homes, and I don't want to do that when they are happy and cared for here.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Thanks guys, but I really wouldn't want to stay here anyway. Yes, this was our dream home that we built, but it was more me trying to give him his dream than any dream of my own. I live out in the country against the National Forest - alone. Me, the coyotes, wolves, bears, etc. I am not scared. It's people I'm scared of - who'd hear me scream? Besides, it's quite a large house, and I'd be much happier in town with a small "just my own little house" kind of situation. Also, I would very much like to be able to outright buy the house, or with as little mortgage as possible, so that no one can ever take my home away from me again.
The letter, yes, I know you are all right. It makes me cry to read it, but I'd be a fool to expect him to take it for what it is.
On another note, the last two nights I have had whoppers of nightmares, which I think are all about H, but at the last moment, they turn and are someone else. Last night it was my XH from 25 years ago, with whom I am still friendly. Dreams of my H being hurtful, mean and so angry with me, and me trying desperately to find out why. I guess this is all a response to the end being near, so to speak. I don't like taking pills to sleep, but anything to block out the dreams.
Have a Wonderful Wednesday. Friend gave me a tubful of Iris' last night, so the plan today is to plant them around all the trees in the front yard. You don't really have to plant them, more or less just throw them on the grownd.
Have you ever seen the movie "Sleeping With the Enemy" with Julia Roberts? I always loved that little house she moved into after she faked her death and left her H...it was so dang cute and I picture myself in something like that! Your place sounds awesome but it is understandable you wanting something around people!
To help clear your mind before you go to bed maybe try taking a nice, long, relaxing bath and do some deep breathing, clear your mind and pray for a peaseful night's sleep...
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
So funny! Not only have I seen the movie, I own the book. The town it describes sounds so lovely that I even looked it up on the Internet as a possible place to move!
But, in the end, that's just a movie, and life really doesn't work like that. I'd just be alone and lonely without friends or family near. And the town would be full of Best Buys and Wal-Marts. There are actually so many people that move to my hometown after just passing through. They think it is so lovely. Beging born here, I know I take a lot of it forgranted.
I finished my little garden spot yesterday and covered it with hay, then watered it down, built a trellis around to keep dog from jumping into it. Watered my flowers, which look very pretty on the front deck. Fertilized my roses and peonies. Bought 3 ferns to hang on the back deck. I'm doing my best to spruce the house up to sell.
Between my outside work and the tanning bed, I got a little too much sun on my back, so I'll have to lay off that today.
When I came in and took a shower, I was so tired, I was in bed by 7:30. Read for awhile and slept peacefully until 3:30 this morning. Then dozed until time to get up. Thankfully, no bad dreams. Perhaps the key, beside prayer, is hard work before calling it a day.
As much as I look forward to Church on Sunday, I somehow couldn't motivate myself to get up and go this morning. Instead, I have had a little private talk with God, which I do often. It's probably the weather, which is cloudy, dark and rainy. Makes you want to stay in bed.
Received papers in the mail yesterday from my lawyer that have to be filled out at least 7 days prior to the court date, which is May 4th. Basic financial stuff. I can't answer some of it because he changed everything so that I can't see it. I do have the last credit card statements I was privy to, to show what the balances were at that time. I want to fill it out to the best of my ablity.
Flowers are blooming beautifully. Yellow climbing roses should be busting out anytime. I'll take a pic and load it on my FB page.
Had dinner last night with my BFF, and then visited other friends before going home. Still Gal'ng to the best of my ability.
Punkin, It's the weather that is bringing you down, as well as receiving the papers from your lawyer, today.
Respond to what you can and have your documentation handy to prove your responses. I hope your h does he part in responding...I did all of the leg work on this little project and when we met, he hadn't completeted any of it. To this day, I could never understand why they didn't get on his case about not doing his part in all of this. It's like he had a free ticket to do absolutely nothing.
I'm sure your roses will be beautiful. At least you are having rain...we had snow this morning. That is very unusual for this time of year here, but it was beautiful for the period of time it came down.
Please take care of yourself. It's a very stressful time for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
