Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

Thanks for the reply. It will probably take some time for me to gather my thoughts enough to put the whole story out there but I can speak to a couple of your questions.

Regarding the sexual orientation, I think it is important to not get caught up in an either/or situation or put too much stock into labels. I believe that sexuality may be somewhat fluid, especially for women. My wife doesn't think of herself as a lesbian or even bisexual. In a large part, it wasn't about sex but probably more about intimacy. In the same regard, it wasn't NOT about sex either. There were some real issues related to sex that the OW was going through in her marriage.

I also don't know how much you know about the OW of if you were close to her but in my case, the OW was my wife's best friend. Our families were very tight, we vacationed together, did Christmas together, etc. In the talks I had with my wife following her disclosure, I began to better know the OW and that she was very very much like me in a lot of ways. So my wife was attracted to that I believe. The real pain now for me is the loss of relationship between our families. I miss her and her family terribly and I love her children nearly as much as I love my own.

Thanks for coming back around, Soltero. Newbie posters are put in a monitoring period, so I think that is how I missed your original post. I know I was very frustrated when I couldn't post as often as I wanted to when I first joined.

I would love to hear about your thought process through this. Since you are a year ahead of me, it may help me gain some insight.

I agree with you concerning the sexual orientation piece. W and I had a conversation about this last week in therapy. At first, I thought there were just two forks in the road. Lesbian = divorce. Straight = reconciled marriage. I told my W that I now realize there are more, and I am trying to discover what they mean to me. If my W is bisexual, would we be able to hold our marriage together? If there were certain needs that I could not meet, would be okay in the long run? It was here that I also mentioned that there is also the possibility that she is not a lesbian but either one of us could actually decide to not reconcile the M. She agreed that there could be many outcomes, but I need to consider all of them right now.

I used the word fluid as well. W said she was still trying to figure out that for herself right now and what fluid means. Is fluid something in the moment or fluid as it changes over long periods of time. I do know that there was a strong emotional connection involved between her and OW. One that my W has said is the strongest she has ever experienced.

When I first discovered the A through her email, I read and analyzed each and every one. There were hundreds. Some very sexually graphic. Some very deep conversation about their futures together. They had talked about being together forever and a timeline to make it happen.

I don't remember how detailed I got in my first two posts on the first thread, but the OW was a friend of W's as well. Not a longtime best friend by any means, though. When my W met OW a couple of years ago, W had just gotten pregnant. I saw this OW as a friend that was different than my W's others. W's other friends starting becoming less available to her, since W couldn't go out and party with them. OW did not drink and W told me that she really liked her personality when they first met. OW was also very reserved and private (not like my W who is very outgoing).

Once they became friends, it was only a few months before they started sharing their feelings towards each other. I actually encouraged my W to spend time with OW over the last year while the A was in full swing. They spent a ton of time together, but I never thought A for a second. How would you really? Even in the heat of the A, W and OW were around me and the house often. I would do favors for the OW. I was completely blind.

In the end, I do not know how this will turn out. I can only be patient while my W decides what is best for her. I have no idea how long this will take or how long I will be able to remain patient. It has been tearing at me for months, but I am finally coming to a place of peace inside me. That is where this site and the process involved has really helped me. Understanding that I cannot make this decision for my wife. That I can only take care of myself and become a great father to my infant S.