Well, I am sitting in a Holiday Inn a couple of hours from my home for business. I am clueless as to what to do next, so I have decided to just write a bit for the amusement of others. I actually hoped I would spend this week in a hotel. After all, this week would have been my 10th anniversary. But, it was supposed to be a resort on some far away island. Not some polluted city in south Louisiana!! I could be sleeping under the stars in a hammock on a beach with the woman I love. Instead, I will sleep alone for what will possibly be the 200th consecutive night. More importantly, in a strange bed, in a strange building, in a strange city. No matter how much paint and primping those designers throw at the room inside of a Holiday Inn, it is still cold and impersonal. Tomorrow I will awake, dress, and spend my day trying to convince my clients to spend more money with my company (none of which I will really get to see) and return home to my house which now is also a "strange" place that at times feels cold and impersonal.
An almost surreal state of calm has come over me these days. I don't really know why. Tonight, as I was pulling into my hotel, "Take The Long Way Home" by Supertramp came on the radio. Man, I love that song. I pulled into a spot, closed my eyes and blasted the radio until my ears hurt. Yes, I know, rocking out to Supertramp seems a bit strange. But, have you ever really listened to the words of that song? Have you? In a way, it is talking to all LBS's out there. Just give it a listen the next time you are down, out and confused...
Does it feel that you life's become a catastrophe? Oh, it has to be for you to grow, boy. When you look through the years and see what you could have been oh, what might have been, if you'd had more time. So, when the day comes to settle down, Who's to blame if you're not around? You took the long way home You took the long way home..........
Will my WAS's take the long way home? Will I? Who freaking knows these days???? I think of all the years we spent together and wonder how in the h*ll do you just turn your back on that? How am I supposed to turn my back on that? How do you heal a rift that is torn in this manner? Can it heal? These are the questions that will keep me up tonight as I try to sleep on a pillow that has been contaminated by hundreds of other heads!
I still have no idea what I am going to do about my anniversary. I spent over an hour tonight in the Hallmark section of a Walgreen's and came up with one card. It has a picture of a dog peaking into a screened porch on the front. On the inside it reads, "I just wanted to see how you are doing." That's it. That is all I could come up with. 15 years of love, laughter and life and I am going to give her a card with a dog on the front?!?!? I feel like Ralphie from "A Christmas Story" right now. Drink your Ovaltine??
Well, It turns out that Hallmark never came up with the "Hey, I know you left me cold and alone like a bad burrito in a Taco Bell parking lot, but Happy Anniversary from the person you once claimed you would love until death do us part..." Nope, couldn't find that one anywhere. Maybe I will start my own line of cards for the LBS???
I guess things could be worse. I spent some time with my friend Bev today. For those of you that have followed my sitch, I am sure you will remember Bev. Her sitch is horrible. Husband walked out after 39 years and five kids. He has an OW already living with him. The kids are refusing to talk to him. She had to get a restraining order placed on him. All really nasty stuff. I feel terrible for her. I just kept pushing her to read DB and DR as much as possible. She promised me she would.
Folks, I don't need 138 "2x4's" in my mailbox tomorrow. I still know what I have to do. I still know that at any point I can walk away knowing that I did all I could over the past six months for my marriage. I actually think I can declare "Mission Accomplished" at this point should I choose. Saving my marriage was never within my control because it's life or death was to be determined by two people. I can only control one half of that equation. But the life and death of my own well-being is controlled by me and that, for now, is saved.
Well, I guess I have bored you enough for tonight with my rambling. Wife, wherever you are tonight, I do hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you are safe, warm and have peace of mind. Because your "piece" is going to cost me half of everything I own. Lovingly, your husband.
FOBD OUT!!!
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
