Looking for BITS. I'm OnMyWay

[OnMyWay]

Tried posting WAW's email a couple of day ago, but it must've not made it through moderation. Here's the email I referenced above:

Let me first respond by saying, Thank you for the email. There were a lot of points that you touched that I agree with. For one, I do believe that your lack of "interest" in me proved harmful to our marriage. I did feel that you didn't truly care for me or my actions any longer. That I had turned into nothing but an ornament for you. I felt that I was a woman you kept on your arm to keep you satisfied. I was just that object that you came home to every once in awhile and paid little attention too. Perhaps my independent and selfish acts were a call for help. I wanted you to show some type of interest in me at some time. You used to be very attentive to me and my needs as my partner and my friend. But somewhere along the line it disappeared. I do believe you became weak and self deterrent long ago. You lost that desire to be all that you could be. You would TRY to do what was best, but you never were very accepting to failure. Instead of popping back up and trying a different angle, you would just crumble and the world would be at a lost in your eyes. This was very frustrating and exhausting. It became a nonstop pattern of big dreams, big talks.. that only led to what you were not expecting. Then the depression would take hold and you were "worthless". When you talk of our challenges with (step father), I disagree. I felt protected that you were there for me and I appreciated the support. But I do believe you did over react in some areas. But you already know that. Because of your dislike of (step father), our daughter has lost many an opportunity to spend time with her family ie, my mother and my sisters. But I supported you still in that decision, even though I didn't agree.

Now that I think of this even further, I suppose I must apologize to you as well. I see myself as an enabler to your weak traits. I should of stood up and told you to be stronger and push through the rough times. Instead I would just try my best to support you during your depressions. I would tell you it would all be ok, and that we could get through it. Maybe I should of approached with more aggressive mannerisms. Maybe if I would of demanded more of you as a husband, father and even a son to your parents, we wouldn't be where we are today. But I always thought you to be very sensitive and would get defensive.. I was always "attacking" you. So it felt best to just let you get through your rough patches.

With a positive perspective I can say that you weren't always like that. I married a man that was strong in my eyes. You had strong characteristics and drive... You seemed willing to do what ever it took to be great at whatever you did; whether it were in the job field, as my partner or even as a friend to others.

One night, as I drove from the house to (my place), I asked myself out loud what I wanted.. I needed to set myself straight. And all I could answer was I wanted the man I fell in love with. I wanted that man that made me feel amazing to be his wife. I NEVER wanted a divorce. It is a horrible alternative; but I feel I have lost all hope in what we once had. And that is a sad thought. I still cringe at the thought of breaking up our family. It hurts me incredibly, I hate it. But as of now I feel its best we keep our distance from each other. I am getting the impression (Daughter) is adjusting to the new routine. She sees that we are still both there for her and that the anger and resentment is at a minimum. She is more positive with me and our conversations are more up beat then depressing. I know you agree with me on the time apart.. But I still want to remain in contact with you and I have no problem with us doing small "family get-togethers", dinners, lunches out; they are all fine. I hope you agree.

As far as my mindset, I am still working it day by day. I find that if I look at everything too hard and analyze my future plans, I feel overwhelmed and angry. But when I just move through the day with my routine in constant order, I feel much better about myself and where I am as a mother and as an individual. On a side note, I am very excited to see my family. I miss them and I find this time there to be healthy for both me and (Daughter). She will see that even though we are in rough times, she still has a huge family that loves her very much.. and Im including your parents as well. I have no idea what our relationship time line is nor do I have a set of concrete rules. All I know is we are not good together right now. Im terribly uncomfortable around you and i feel the same from you. I know we can't stay in this situation for ever, but for now it just feels right to me. We can move onto the next step (whatever that may be) as soon as we are both ready.

My last point I'd like to touch upon, is the cheating. I know what I did and I am VERY remorseful for my decision and actions. I have apologized to you multiple times. But you dont seem to be satisfied with these apologies. I dont expect you to throw it aside and say it never happened. It did happen and Im terribly ashamed for it. And I am sorry my stupid actions have hurt you. There are no excuses, but looking back I see clearly I was incredibly lonely and was looking for acknowledgement. As ridiculous as that sounds, it was my thought process. Just thinking of it makes me incredibly ashamed and it will be a burden i will carry forever.. Im not asking you to feel sorry for me, I made the decision to stray, so its no ones fault but mine. I just wish i would of felt comfortable enough to of told you that i wasnt feeling strong with our relationship. I tried little hints, but they weren't good enough. I blame myself everyday for that. I was always the communicator, I was always the one to step up and bring the ugly out and fix it right there and then. But I lost that drive. Im sorry I failed you there.

I suppose thats it for now... If you'd like to respond, thats welcomed. I would like to keep an open dialogue with you. Whether it be negative or positive, its nice to share some light on each others thought process. I hope you have a great day and that work goes smoothly.

We've corresponded further since, but I want to start with your feed back at this point and I'll add my response and additional info as we go. Just trying to make sense of it all.

Thanks BITS!