The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[abbey1989]

Yesterday H declared he was going on a bike ride (even though it was starting to rain). He never just leaves from our house....NO!....he drives somewhere. He said..I won't be long. Let's do something in the afternoon! Well darn it, I wasn't going to plan it. He left around 7:30 and called me around 12:30. TYPICAL.

Anyway...."Lance" er....H....went on his "bike ride". I know he lied about the bike ride now because this a.m. he left on a motorcycle ride with our friend, so I snooped (I know! I shouldn't!) in his truck. Didn't find the other cell phone (which I'm sure he stealthfully retrieved from vehicle last night and put in motorcycle. But his bikeriding clothes were still in the car and are still smelling fresh as a DAISY! Even the socks. So his bike riding LIE is obvious.

I AM SO SICK OF THIS. HOW CAN HE FULL ON LIE TO MY FACE? TIME AFTER TIME?

I am so distressed. We are supposed to meet our friend for her birthday breakfast at 10 this a.m. and H is out on a motor tour. He says will meet us. We'll see. He'll be LATE as usual.

I deserve better.

In my other thread...I posted that I blew it the other day when I had happy hour with my girlfriend and spilled the beans over a couple of glasses of chardonnay. I FELT SO BAD that I did that. But now not so much. Why should I continue to cover for his indiscretions? Everyone thinks my H is all that.

He is creative, smart, artsy, "nice", handsome, blah blah blah. If they only new! I grieve for what we had. For two years I have tried to live up to some expectation and "Act as If". Gave him his space. He knows I am so nice and unconfrontational that he uses that to play me (I feel).

I really don't think I'm paranoid about this but I feel I need some answers.

Anyway...I feel like I am turning a corner? D17 committed to college yesterday (up in No Cal). Only a matter of time before it is just H and me in our home.

This *ucks.

[AJM80]

Abbey - Keep the key premise of this all in mind - you are acting/making decisions with solutions in mind. What is the end result that you want to accomplish? It may not always be preserving your marriage, but it should be becoming a happy, healthy version of yourself. You told a friend, don't second guess it or trying to justify it based on his behaviors now - beating yourself up or beating him up doesn't change that she knows. You needed someone to talk to and lean on. That's what friends are for. I wouldn't spread it too much - I wish I could untell about 10 people

Look at the small things happening...I think, from my limited view of situation, your H is seeing some changes and is acting differently. Don't rush the situation or escalate things. He's not going to go cold turkey from her. If you need a story to help you get through it, play best case/worst case and have a good laugh. For example -

Best case, the hang up was the OW...H has been getting distant lately and she's freaking out/getting clingy (and driving him away). He caved under her pressure and neediness and went back to her, but he's started to realize he wants to be with you and not her. The new you is fab and he's afraid he's loosing you to someone else, since you're prettier and busier lately.

Worst case, the new you has attracted a crazy stalker. He's an Italian exchange student at the local high school who is in your daughter's class and not comfortable with his English yet (plus he knows his love for you is wrong). Your H is still with the other woman, who just happens to be the host mother to your secret admirer. If things keep going down this road, we're going to see it unfold on the 5 o'clock news when Rudolpho and your H get into a brawl on the OW's front lawn.

Give yourself a shake, laugh, then go on to the next thing you have to do. It can really help.

Also, one thought- can you look at no kids in the house as an adventure and try to be positive about it? Sounds like you raised some great kids and should be giving yourself a pat on the back. Now what? Can you travel? Learn something you always wanted? I still think you going back to school is great - keep embracing life. With or without your husband, there will be love and fun in your life.

[abbey1989]

Look at the small things happening...I think, from my limited view of situation, your H is seeing some changes and is acting differently. Don't rush the situation or escalate things. He's not going to go cold turkey from her.

I do agree....I guess time will tell. Actions speak louder than words don't they? You are right about not going cold turkey. NOW THAT WOULD MAKE ME LAUGH thinking of OW if he did! Would serve her sorry rear right! he he.

I love your ideas about best case/worse case scenarios. It does help put everything in perspective doesn't it? D17 last night at dinner said "what are you guys going to do without me?" I just piped in that dad and I have been waiting until she leaves for college to go skydiving, bungie jumping, race car driving, etc... we all laughed.

[abbey1989]

H and I got up very early this a.m. and went to the gym. After we sat in the sauna and H had me listen to his ipod...he picked out the song "A Song for You" by Leon Russell. Wow! Listen to it sometime.

Some of you might be very proud of me that I have been keeping my hands to myself and not initiating any fooling around. When I talked with the DB coach yesterday she told me to to "drop the rope"....stop steering the R. She talked about being "attractive" in other ways (non-sexual). Things that can draw H back. Her advice to me is to let the "dust settle". Like it!

It made me realize that I have been having a big tug-of-war with myself. I am almost back to where I was two years ago when I just convinced myself that I can't change H's behavior. Need to focus on me and our children.

H drove D17 to train station. She is visiting brother for a few days...will just be the two of us in the house until Sunday. Maybe a picture of things to come in the fall when she leaves for college.

Song for the day "The Story" by Brandi Carlisle

[AJM80]

Please, please go skydiving or something crazy while she is gone (with or without H) or rent a convertible to drive for the weekend as your "racecar" for now!

And, if things keep going well, Leon Russell is going to be playing CA dates in April/May. Good meaning in the song - there's a version on Youtube with Willie Nelson, Leon, and Ray Charles.

Now would be a great time to write/revise that "Bucket List" of things you want to do - it sounds like you have an awesome, fun energy and the more you can keep that going the better. It'll flip back on you sometimes and you'll be down, sorry to say, BUT it comes back again more and more of the time.

[AJM80]

This might make you laugh - my FIL LOVES Leon Russell. I texted H to ask if I was right about that, since a "new friend had recommended a song by him to me" Ahhhh, intentionally vague to make him wonder what I am up to and who I am meeting.

[abbey1989]

AJ,

You are so funny....keep being mysterious! Will check out the Leon concert schedule!

Last night when my H fell asleep after dinner at 7:00pm (seriously!) and blew off the movie we were going out to see, I sat by the fire in the living room listening to music, goofing around around on my Ipad. He walked in an hour or so later and asked what I was doing? I said oh just updating my Netflix queue.

He went back to bed and then later when we were both in bed he again asked so what was I doing on the Ipad? ha ha. Seriously was not lying about updating my Netflix queue and also told him I was checking out some groovy hotels in NoCal for when we take D17 up to college. (Again all true).

Just thought it was funny that he would ask?

So tonight, we are off to a concert in Solana Beach. Can't wait!

Until then....off to work.

Song for the day: "True to Myself" Ziggy Marley (BLAST IT!)

[abbey1989]

Last night was the concert. We had a fun yet "disconnected" time. We spent most of the concert apart. I sat with friends for awhile and H stood most of the show. I later stood near the back and he finally "found me" just when the concert was wrapping up. STILL, it was a fun night. I learned that I didn't need H by my side to enjoy myself.

Tonight, some friends will come over to play some cards. Will be fun to see them.

I did blow it this a.m. and told H that we should fool around tonight since kids are our of town. IDIOT! He said yeah...that will be great. I need to stop it. JUST STOP IT! he he. Just really craving some attention.

Song for the day: "Better Days" Goo Goo Dolls

[abbey1989]

S20 came home for the weekend. It looks as though he and his GF of 3 yrs may be breaking up. He is so much like me sometimes it is scary.

I gave him my advice that if his GF will not be honest with him, then he needs to take steps to make himself happy....even if that means cutting the cord. I asked H to talk to S20, and while he thought it was pointless (we've both had countless conversations with S20 about GF), he gave it another try. H and I talked about it this a.m. I told him that I thought it was wrong that GF is not being honest with S. That if she has someone else she should be honest and tell him. H completely disagreed and said it is up for our S to make his own decisions, and that he and he alone is responsible for his own happiness. He disagreed that son's GF should fess up to anything.

He said that we've all been on both side of the fence and it isn't easy either way.

Got me thinking that yes, I get the whole "being responsible for our own happiness", but it seems innately WRONG to be dishonest with someone who has been your partner for so long. Maybe we have different morals/values? I of course was applying his logic to our situation (which of course we haven't talked about) and all I can see is selfishness. Making yourself happy at the expense of anyone else. Hm-m-m-m. Need to ponder some more.

We are taking the train north tonight with some friends for dinner/music out. Should be fun.

Song for the day: "Feeling Alright" Huey Lewis version.

[Starsky309]

Abbey,

Did you guys ML last nite?

Starsky