H still living in home but cheating

[abbey1989]

Hi luv,
We're in San Diego....
Thanks for your note. I hope you are healing and doing well. Some close friend's oldest son got married on Saturday. I was thinking about how fresh and innocent it all is on a wedding day. So many dreams, so much love and trust. Sad that time and life in general erodes so many of the good intentions that we all start out with.

[luvless]

I happen to think the same. It's hard not to be pessimistic. I look at it this way most marriages will dissolve - it's just a matter of time - it's sad.

[abbey1989]

So...have been doing ok. I have not initiated sex in a week (trying not to be clingy). But....either has he.

H looked great this a.m. when he left for work. OK I know this probably seems weird, but I think on the days that he sees OW, he doesn't wear underwear! OMG. What other reason would there be for that? Seriously!

I'm meeting my soon to be divorced friend for happy hour after work today. She is moving at the end of this month and has been dating. After all she has been through with her cheating spouse, it is nice that she is finally getting some closure and turning a corner.

I feel like I am in limbo. We have never discussed our R since last year about this time. Not sure if I should be DB'g when it is mostly one sided. Plus, he will probably never confess to anything unless I put the proof right in his face. Even then he'd probably come up with some lie to try to save face.

Off to work....thank for listening.

[abbey1989]

Bad day. UGH!
Spring break at school so OW is off this week. H will surely be spending time with her. In fact, on one of his projects, he mentioned that they somehow came up short on some materials and he might have to go to Monterey this week to search for replacement (unique material...that is true). So of course in my mind...OW is on break....H wants to go to Monterey...hello!

My mind races ahead. How can I catch them? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt? Does he even deserve that?

He went on a supposed bike ride on Saturday, but his riding clothes were still clean when he returned. LIES.

Last night I slipped up and we were watching a TV show and a gal talked about being deceived (in this case it was by her country's gov't), and all I could say was...IT *UCKS TO FEEL THAT WAY. It just came out.

Then this a.m. I asked where he started his bike ride on Saturday. He told me another LIE I'm sure.

We went to the gym together, but I am sure I am giving off a negative vibe because he was quieter than usual.

So...now I'm blowing it and have called him 4 times in the past 1/2 hr and he hasn't picked up. I scheduled a DB coaching session for tomorrow a.m. I have no one to talk to and I feel so depressed and sad.

Thanks for listening.......

Back to work.

[sandi2]

Abbey, you need to calm down and stop calling him. That is not attractive and will totally turn him off. If he is with OW....what do you think calling him is going to do?

You can't tie him down and force him to be a good boy. You can't make him be a faithful H. You can't make him love you.

You deserve better than this.

[abbey1989]

Thanks Sandi,

Maybe today will be better. You are SO RIGHT about everything you said. Maybe a clearer mind will prevail for me today.
H left early to go to the gym and I have an 8:00am phone call with a DB coach. Looking forward to it. I just reviewed my journal from two years ago and all of the notes that I took during my phone sessions. Really good stuff. Hoping for more advice and wisdom to make it through another day.

[abbey1989]

Update:
I felt SO MUCH BETTER after talking to a coach this a.m. Seriously...it brought a bit of clarity to how we relate (or don't relate) to each other and it was nice to finally confide in someone (even though it is a stranger). Big weight off of my shoulders that helped me get through the day. Plus, she gave me some great ideas to move forward. She also talked about "dropping the rope" which I interpret to mean recognizing H's behavior pattern and choosing not to play the same part any more.

So that's about it for me today. Headed to the gym then home to make dinner for the family.

Song for the day: "These Are the Days" Van Morrison.
Check it out.

[abbey1989]

I read on another post that Sandi might have signed off! I sure hope not. Her opinions and wisdom is MOST appreciated by this gal.

Well H left for work at 5:00am this a.m. Apparently headed where he was supposed to have gone yesterday?! I know that when you lie it is sometimes hard to remember what lie was told.

I didn't ask.

Tonight we are headed to a concert together with friends. Should be fun.

Song for the day: "Let the Wind Chase You" Trisha Yearwood.

[abbey1989]

Abbey, you need to calm down and stop calling him. That is not attractive and will totally turn him off. If he is with OW....what do you think calling him is going to do?

You can't tie him down and force him to be a good boy. You can't make him be a faithful H. You can't make him love you.

You deserve better than this.

Sandi2....I went back looking for your posts to me....your words are empowering. Thank you!

[greenblue90]

Abbey1989
I have read your sitch, and can relate. It is not good to have your suspicions, and feel lied to, and cheated. I feel like that somedays but can't prove otherwise either. Here is some things to consider:

My first response to a threat of an OW, or OM would be to GAL, DB, 180 and all the other good stuff. I can tell you are already there. I do have to ask though...have you tried detaching? I mean SERIOUS detaching avoid most conversations, move out of the bed, make plans without him (which you already are doing.) Maybe a strong dose of the cold shoulder will make him snap out of it. You have been doing your best, but to no response I think it's time he suffers a little. When he finally asks what's going on you don't even have to allude to OW. Just say I think we are falling apart, I'm just not feeling it. Something about you has changed and I don't like it. If this truly affects him then he will come to you asking how he can change the dynamic. You can then use DB methods to have him work on the marriage, and make HIM do things to win you back. He feels safe having you and OW, it's time to break this fantasy. A big point about DBing is to make yourself so attractive that they feel dumb losing you. At this point he has the better you, and OW. Remember don't say that this is all because of OW, say it just doesn't feel right. He will figure it out eventually.

I know this type of advice is hard, and I wouldn't want to turn you into a WAW. Then again look at all of us men here that have turned ourselves into better men,
because our W's went WAW. It really is a wake up call for us men sometimes. Maybe a separation could work. (God all this advice is so not what I would usually give, but after all this time I think it's time to stop going down cheeseless tunnels, that's DB too)

Now all that said consider the following. When I first got married my W was SUPER jealous. She was highly suspicious, and it very nearly ruined us. (Well we both have had issues, so not claiming the high ground here). As a husband it was very stressful to be accused of something I hadn't done. So maybe it is time to get some closure. Consider a way of finding out for sure without revealing your efforts. Perhaps an investigator? Here is the important part, whatever you do, and whatever the outcome, you need to be ready for the results. If they come back negative you HAVE to trust your husband. If they are positive you need to decide whether you can deal with having him near knowing all this, or if it is time to at least move out. As said before, moving out might be the kick he needs to finally walk straight.

Just some thoughts, Best of luck.