detached from everyone - but ok...

[TAMF]

H called and asked again if he could go with me to the councelor, I said why. He said that he really needs help and doesn't know what to do.

I said that he could go. no matter what happens to us - he needs help!!

The session was interesting. It wasn't at all like what he thought it would be like. C told him that he needs to get his own IC. H agreed and said he would really like that.

In the session, C asked him why he couldn't give up the OW. He said that he didn't know - couldn't understand himself or his feelings. He got flushed and emotional - he was so frustrated with himself. He told the C that he loved me, I was his best friend, but after that there was something missing and he couldn't figure out why he can't be completely happy with me. It upsets him that he feels this way. She told him that she understood that he is confused. And she explained to him that I started the grieving process 9 months ago when the bomb dropped, and he didn't. So when I filed for divorce, it finally hit him what it means and what he has done. His grieving process is just beginning.

When C asked me what I was feeling and where I was with the divorce - I said that I was tired of "pretending" like we are working on our marriage when he is still with the ow. I just want to move forward - whether that is with H or alone - I just don't want to live in limbo any more. I said that 1/2 of me understands what he is going through and wants to do whatever I can to be there for him, give him all the time he needs to figure things out. the other 1/2 is the half that asks,"what about TAMF? Who is there for her? this 1/2 just wants to move on one way or the other."

Depending on the day, I don't know what half wins.

On the way back to work, H told me he felt better. That it felt good to talk to someone and not have to filter what you say. He asked me to print out a list of IC from our insurance network.

I am going to sleep on my decision to have the divorce papers delivered to him this week. He is killing me with his confusion. It makes my own thoughts about what to do so chaotic. I feel like I am going crazy.