Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

TAMF,

I think you are dead on about the OW. I didn't agree with you when I first read it. But the more I think about it, you're right. The only reason she still feels like he's her "boyfriend" is because he allows her to think that. He hasn't ended it.

H did NOT move back in. I think it was the right choice, but yet again shows that talk is just talk. Had a long conversation with H last night. It appears he's retracting once again. Says he still feels so confused. He's concerned that his anxiety issues at the house may mean he's really not comfortable there, therefore, maybe it's not meant for him to be there. He told me that he feels it would be best if we stop having sex because he thinks its further confusing the issue. He said that it is starting to feel wrong that he'll come over, we'll sleep together, but then he'll have to leave because of anxiety. Makes it more like a booty call than anything else. I'm fine with his decision. I don't want to cause more stress. But this whole conversation pretty much wore me out mentally. I again mentioned my theories on needing to work on oneself. But while I think he really wants to get better, I don't think he's ready to work on himself yet. He still concentrates so much on external issues rather than looking within. And several of his comments indicated to me he's backing up significantly AGAIN and reevaluating AGAIN.

I woke up this morning and thought about a lot. Cried a bit. And thought some more. H's family is visiting over the weekend. The plan is for the 3 of us to meet them at a nearby town and stay there the weekend with them. I went back and forth in my mind whether I should still go. H still says he wants me to go because I asked him last night. But I'm getting a little pissed. I don't want to go and pretend like we are a happy family unit for his family. He still REALLY hasn't given up OW. He still doesn't know what he wants to do. As much as I love him, I don't want to keep playing this game. So at first, I decided I wouldn't go. But then I felt bad because I wouldn't see my in-laws and they are looking forward to it. Plus, that would leave D minus one parent. So then I considered not going but at least driving up for dinner or something. Now I just don't know. I feel like I'm getting back on the merry-go-round. He'll retract, run away, talk to OW more, then regret it and come back round to me again. I don't want that.

I've set up an appt to talk with a DB coach today. I'm hoping I can get some insight and some advice about where to go from here. Based on H's actions today, he wants to continue our close personal friendship. It's just the sex thing he wants to change I guess. He's texted me numerous times and emailed me a few times. I've only responded to one text because it was a direct question. But even then, I waited awhile because I really just want time to think.

One last thing to mention is that I noticed today, that OW has no longer blocked me on FB. Not sure why. Not sure whether to ask H. Yet another thing to ask during my session I guess.