Cautiously Optimistic

[Queen_of_Swords]

I still see you framing your life and your choices by what your H is doing, choosing, what he might be feeling etc.

And the lack it is causing you in your life because of what he is choosing right now.

Framing my life? No. His absences however, makes certain choices and action nescessary. Living it with his absence and almost total disregard. Trying to do what's best for our family. Trying to find work and make a life without him or dependancy upon him.

Can he be helped? No one here can tell you that including you.

He can be helped. If he wants it. I see no evidence that he does.

All of this is causing you pain.Yes?

Yeah where i'm not numb, I hurt. I don't hurt all the time or everywhere. Just in spots. It doesn't consume me. It does affect me in quiet times, when I'm alone and before I sleep and when I dream. Last night I dreamt I slapped his face and screamed at him. That was a mild dream compared to some I've been having.

Will the pain go away if you run away from what you perceive to be the source?

Or

Take control over the source.

The source is not your H.

It is you.

That is what I mean Scylla.

It is YOUR choice to suffer this and you can just as easily choose not to.

Yes, so I've been told. Unfortunately it isn't just turned on and off like a switch.

How do you think you can do that?

Been working on it, am working on it.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Update-
Kids phoned their Dad as we were not here when he called.
At first they got the wrong number...they thought, called twice and hung up. They asked me to try because " it didn't sound like Dad". So I did, said " Hi your boys were trying to reach you and they thought they got the wrong number." He explained what happened on his end. I laughed and said " Oh , that's what happened! Here is (name), bye. He spoke to both kids, and then asked for me.

(Raise eyebrows here, as he seldom asks to speak to me.)

He asked if I had extra toothbrushes for the kids to replace the ones he tossed due to illness. I was pleasantly businesslikea and told him I didn't know I'd have to check, and updated him that my schedule has changed and he will see them another night this week.
He said goodnight told me he was going to crash right away. I said pleasantly that I understood. He then said again: " You have a good night and I'll see you later."

Hmmm.

[zengypsy]

Hmmmm.......Interesting Scylla....

Is it sinking in that the grass isn't really greener?! I commend you for using your DB skills well. You did great!

[Queen_of_Swords]

Hmmmm.......Interesting Scylla....

Is it sinking in that the grass isn't really greener?! I commend you for using your DB skills well. You did great!

Thanks Zen for the encouragement.

I don't know if H. is catching a clue, but he's been sick as the kids have been. Perhaps that makes him miss the care and attention he did get from me, I don't know.

I do think reality is getting ready to smack H. and hard.
I see a crash/burn coming and so can many others associated with me. Fact is, he can't continue to live the way he is. That's just economics.

I'm doing what I can to insulate myself from the fallout. Other than that most days I'm reasonably happy, some days I'm ready to take on the world and shake it up, and more frequent days I'm in the pit.

When I'm in the pit I'm usually here!

[Brian in Hville]

Scylla,

You are doing things right. Keep it up. I really hate for you to be in the "pit", but just know this...when you are, that means you are giving people like me fantastic advice and encouragement. Without you, we might be floundering. Thank you for reaching out to us in your time of pain.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Update- had a counselling session.
Seems my goals are set just a tad too ambitiously. I'm glad I record the small improvements here, or I'd take no notice of them as a slow progression.
Updated my counsellor, have a plan of action for a time.

Advised me that with the coming head on collision with reality and H living in midlife crisis land, that H. isn't going to be reasonable and could possibly lash out a me and blame me for economic disintegration. Told me to listen and affirm his feelings and not be defensive or logical ( gasoline + fire anyone?)

I will do my best, I don't know I can pull it off.

[grr]

yes you can...you can pull it off

[Queen_of_Swords]

I don't know that I can grr.
I'm getting really close to packing it in and finding some companionship elsewhere.
I am tired of doing the tango alone. I am tired of dealing with all the sh*t by myself.
I'm busy, I've GAL, and goals.
I love H. and it just doesn't matter.
I'm a single Mum for all intents and purposes and I deserve better treatment than what I've been getting.

[Queen_of_Swords]

JOurnal -Update Mar 22
H. called kids. I answered the phone cheerily. H. mentioned he needed me to make alternative arrangements for the kids on his visitation night this week as might be back late from a company event. I said I would make those arrangements.
He kept me on the phone for some time discussing what the day was going to be like and what he planned to do. He also again declined my text invitation ( per DB coach instructions) of this morning to meet the kids and I for an activity tomorrow evening, saying he was too ill. I said that was alright, the invitation was open ended.
Interestingly enough he also talked my possible future plans career wise. Hmmm.
I had to ask to speak to my H. again between kids talking to him, as I forgot to ask him if he wanted me to send on the financials he asked me to review, as I was finished with them. He said send them, and I said will do, goodnight.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journalling - interesting ....
H. texted me this morning. Asked if he could call about something. He doesn't make it a habit of texting me, and not in the mornings. My smart phone mostly stays pretty silent.

I felt myself getting anxious, took a few seconds to calm and texted back if I could ask what it was about.
A screw up H. texted back.
I texted, Sure call me.
He calls and begins to explain what's he's done. Now the funny thing is, he didn't even have to tell me about this. He could have corrected the mistake and I would have been none the wiser.
I don't get angry or upset, I'm pleasant, cheerful and mellow on the phone. He asked me again about arrangements for our kids while I'm away and he's late picking them up. I tell him it's all taken care of.
The kids are jostling in the background and H. tells me to say good morning to them. I ask if he would like to do that himself as they are right in front of me. He says yes and I hand over the phone. I take the phone from the youngest and thank him for letting me know and to have a good day.
About five minutes later I text him and thank him for his concientiousness and diligence in taking care of us. I text that it is appreciated and recognised.
He texts back you're welcome and repeats the correction of the mistake.


Hmmmm.