I don't want you to think I'm telling you to suck it up and endure an affair. I have tried to tell you what would probably happen to some of the things you suggested doing or saying.
From my own experience and from the stories I've read on the board, a WAW in an A is not going to sit down and talk it out nicely. It will not end well. What it will do is bring things to a head and she will tell you she wants a D. So, be fully prepared to hear her say that and to see her at her worst.
When you use the word "endure", exactly what do you believe you are enduring? An affair right under your nose? Being made a fool by your boss? They seem to be flaunting it in everyone's face and do not seem concerned that there will be any consequences for their behavior.
You say you will not leave. So, let's look at the other option. First of all, you need evidence of an A if at all possible. If you can get into her computer or phone....I think you could get it. Is there anyone that went on that trip that would tell you how she conducted herself?
Approaching her with a conversation such as the one you gave for an example is out of the question. This calls for a bold, powerful, and completely surprised confrontation. You don't call her "honey" or try to soften anything you say. It is to hit hard and fast. It is to catch her off guard. She must see you standing tall and firm. If there was ever a time to snatch the pants from her and put them on...it's now.
Others may see you as the quiet & calm man, but I'd bet she sees you as passive. Women are disgusted at passive men and can gobble them up for lunch! She doesn't respect you any longer, and it's time you got that respect back, starting with this confrontation.
You ask her one time if she is having an emotional or physical affair with the boss. You do not add anything more to that question. If she says they're just friends, don't accept that as an answer. If she asks why you think so or don't you trust her, etc., you go back to your original question. Tell her you want a plain yes or no answer. No matter how she tries to steer the conversation, hold your ground and bring it back to wanting an answer to your question. Don't tell her where you got your information but if she denies an A, then tell her you know she's lying. Again, never reveal your source of information b/c she will go deeper underground and shut that source off.
If you want to continue in the M, then you can ask her one time if she is willing to leave this place of employment and find another one, stop the A, and work on the M. If her M and family is first place....she will agree to do it. If not, then she will not leave her job. The M won't survive. She's made her choice.
Since she is the one that has been unfaithful, then she should be the one to move out. You could tell her she has two weeks to find a place to stay and she can talk to you through your lawyer. Then end the conversation.
I don't think she will stop her job and therefore, I don't think she will end the A right now. So, that puts the ball in your park. If she's having an A, do you want to stay and try to be a better man and hope that your changes will be enough? Can you live with her knowing she's having an A? Or, do you confront her and let her know you will not tolerate it? I personally think that creep of a boss needs to be reported to his boss about the kind of behavior he has used toward you in the workforce (making you look bad to other employees) and of course, with your W. It sure didn't help her respect you any more. But, that's just me.
Your W is making a fool out of herself, you, the M, and her family. If she refuses to end it, then you can walk away......or expose the affair.......or stay where you are now. One day she will probably wake up and wonder why she did this. Sometimes A's go for 6 months....and sometimes years. So, there are options....but you have to be the one to choose b/c you know what you can do or can't do with your life. That's why I often time ask newcomers what they are willing to live with and what they won't live without.
((hugs))
[edited by dbmod to add note: exposing the affair can be dangerous to your marriage. It is noted that sandi2 is not recommending that, but the note is added so you understand the risk.]
Last edited by dbmod; 03/23/1110:45 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
