I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Timelines really don't matter. This guy was in the picture in the summer of 2009. Just taking the trip in August 2010 showed a lack of respect for me as a husband and a man. She asked me to leave. She waited a year to file. She dragged her feet in getting the D done, all the while there's an OM in the picture. Friends of hers growing up said she would lie when confronted with truth she didn't want to acknowledge. When I asked her about this trip she said she was going with her best friend.

Why not just tell me the truth.

I've been wavering for months between anger and compassion -- bouncing between trying to let go and move on or thinking this is the "grass is greener" midlife crisis and it'll all work out in the end.

I am hoping the pictures are it for me. It was a betrayal. It's tough for me because I am just not someone to give up. I need to remember I'm better off without her.

Tomorrow will be a test. D8 has an IEP meeting and I'm going to go. It's going to be extremely difficult to be in the same room with her.

I am just angry right now, but maybe it's a good angry. I have to burn away that 1 percent. Where's my self respect. Why do I pine for someone who thought so little of me.

I mean, after seeing those pictures, what would happen if she showed up on my door saying it was a mistake. How do you trust someone again? I've read the piecing forum and I understand the difficulty.

A friend told me it took her a full four years to feel normal after her divorce. I'm still not even divorced. I hope the clock doesn't start on that day. I hope I get the two years we've been separated.

My counselor told me when she sees her ex now, it's like talking to an old boyfriend. They were married 25 years. I couldn't understand having the feelings fade so much. Now, I hope for it. I want that door to close.

I got a couple of emails from her tonight. One on next week and one on our taxes. Next week is my birthday and she wondered if I have them that weekend. I'm just rambling, but I hate that she mentioned my birthday. I don't want to be her friend.

I am not making much sense. Tomorrow is a long day. Luckily I have my church group Friday and I may do a Friday, Sunday church doubleheader.

I have not mastered letting go and having compassion.