Today marks 2 months since the bomb dropped. Feels like an eternity. I am in a very negative place right now- feeling hopeless and helpless and hurting. D4 is so sad that Daddy doesn't live here now, and doesn't understand why. He has become colder toward me, requesting that when he calls to talk to the kids it is ONLY to talk to them, not me. He doesn't communicate with me at all except for vital information exchanged when I come home from work, before he leaves. No more hugs. Nothing. He told his parents that his therapist is pushing him to do MC again, but he hasn't told me anything about that. A week and half ago he told me he wanted to talk about how we got here, but he wanted to wait until he saw his therapist again. He saw her again 5 days ago and hasn't mentioned talking to me at all.
I am trying to find joy in my life, and I do- I adore my girls and am finding that being a "single parent" is not too difficult, but then again I'm working part-time right now. I have been going to the gym 5-6 times a week and working out for over an hour, and loving how that feels. I have done more playdates with friends and their kids. I am taking good care of myself, my kids, my house. But I am still SO angry, scared, frustrated, hurt, confused. I find it impossible to be friendly toward him- I am cold and distant. I am beginning to question WHY I'm hanging on. H has never been the partner or father I wanted him to be- he has always been selfish and it has only gotten worse as time has gone by. I yearn for what could be, not for what was. I always held out hope that things would improve, that he would become a more involved dad and husband/partner, but now we're further away from that than ever. And the distance between us is greater than ever.
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
