New and saying hello

[~¤DG¤~]

I really wish it didn't take so long to get my responses posted, but I understand why the board is moderated.

A little backstory:

I have always had issues with trust, insecurity, and not feeling "good enough"
I have been married once before and my exH was very emotionally abusive and put me down on a regular basis.
I think a lot of my issues from my first marriage carried over into my 2nd.
Also, I had been morbidly obese for many years and that didn't help either.
Almost 2 years ago I bit the bullet and had gastric bypass surgery.
I thought once I lost all the weight my self esteem would be great, and I wouldn't feel so insecure.
Well, I was wrong.

I became the food police, criticizing my H's choices of food, jealous because he could eat things that I couldn't.
If I wanted to go for a walk and asked him to join me and he would decline, I'd get mad and tell him he was lazy and unmotivated.
Never once stopping to think that perhaps I was what was keeping him from wanting to enjoy life with me.

I am very ashamed of myself. Who am I to treat the one person I am supposed to love honor and cherish that way?
I am surprised he held on for as long as he did.

I am not a victim, and I am not trying to sound like one and I apologize if I sound that way.
I made some terrible decisions and I am paying the price.