My Story - He Cheated while I was Pregnant

[AJM80]

H came over thurs, fri, sat, and sun, since his family was in town. He's coming over tonight too - since it is his regular night? He's really excited for his bday and my bday in the next week.

I've been checking in on here waaay too much today. I just don't know how to summarize our convo. I'm too sleep deprived from the kids, churned up over whether I should commit to going back to work/move in with parents/tell H to go F- himself (just kidding), etc.

He thought we were going to have a collaborative talk about the next 6 months or so. I said I would take what was best for the kids under consideration and would like to know his pros/cons, but that my intent was to make my own decision about what the kids and I would do going forward. He said ok, he could understand that. Asked how I was doing, that I seemed to be doing ok, but that he knew I'd enjoyed the time off from having inlaws around and did I need to be closer to my family and support network. I said I didn't come to talk about if I was doing ok, then said How are you doing? We both laughed and he understood, I think, that if he's not sharing his feelings with me, he's not welcome to sharing my feelings.

At one point he said he'd felt like getting a good insurance policy and being hit by a bus would be the best outcome for everyone, since he'd just be gone, we'd be provided for, and the kids and I could move on and do whatever. "But I'm not suicidal or anything." He still sees a therapist, but I may suggest tonight he considers an anti-depressant if he keeps feeling that way....I want him to feel the pain of what he did, but if he cannot handle it he needs to get more help. I teared up a little when he was saying that. But it helped me realize he is still lost and broken, not even close to someone I'd want to be with. he's got to get a sense of his own value, as well as ours.

I asked if he would cheat again, if he could go back. He said no. I asked if he would have moved out in Nov. He said he can't separate short term feelings and everything else from long term. I'm not sure if I understood him right, but I kind of think he was saying his feelings for OW were short term and (my words) stupid?

I don't know if he loves me for me, or just as a way to be with the kids. My gut says he's starting to see the value of our family, but hiding from what he chucked away when he had me. Maybe nothing will happen in the next week or two, but the pressure is definitely starting to pile up on both of us.

God help me to make good decisions, when there is no clear right or wrong. God help me to be strong, but not proud.

It's sad when a special on polygamouse marriages is on Discovery channel and it seems slightly appealing, lol