New and saying hello

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi there,

I have been lurking on this site for a little bit now trying to muster up the courage to post.
I've read a lot of enteries by fellow DBers and I have found comfort in your support for one another.

My H & I have been separated for a month now, and to say it has been h*ll is an understatement.
I can't eat, I can't sleep, and sometimes it takes all my strength to get out of bed.

While I know that all the problems are not my fault, a huge part of it is and I am working on making some serious life changes. Changes I should have made many years ago but that is neither here nor there.

After reading Michele's book, I realize I have been doing many things wrong in trying to win my H back. Crying, begging, pleading, etc.
I can't help it, it's my natural reaction.

The bottom line is, I don't know what to do or how to cope.
My H isn't sure if he wants to continue with our M or not, and I am very scared it could be the end of us.


Any advice or support you have to offer is greatly appreciated.

[zengypsy]

Delinquent...

Welcome and I'm sorry you are here but you are not alone.

We all understand what you are going thru and I'm glad that you joined. To be able to better help you, please let us know some stats on your stich like ages of you both, how long you've been married, if you have kids etc. Take a look at some of our signatures to get a better idea.

You have taken the first step by getting Michele's book. Re-read, re-read, re-read. Don't beat yourself up for doing things that are part of human nature. DB'g takes time and effort. It's behavior modification. You have to undue a lifetime of routines etc. and that will not happen over night. BUT if you are dedicated to making the changes YOU need to for YOU, it will become your NEW natural reaction.

We're here for you so please keep posting.

[jbnati]

Delinquent -
I am fairly new to this as well. I can say that it gets a little better each day with time. Keep re-reading Michele's book. Talk to a DB coach if you can. Stay focused on the short term goals. Look for the small progress. Spend time with close friends.
Most of all, work on yourself. It's hard to do sometimes, but it's so worth it. Ultmately, if nothing else, you will become the better person on the end, even if you can't save your marriage.

[~¤DG¤~]

Thank you for the welcome. And I apologize if this thread is duplicated I didn't realize the board was moderated and just thought my post didn't post for whatever reason and posted it again.

We have been married 5 years in June
No kids together, I have 2 S from previous M and he has a S from previous relationship
He left Feb 20 and no papers have been filed.

We actually had dinner last night. He asked to meet me and I agreed. It was the first time I have seen him in a month and I was so nervous.
I made every attempt to look my best and I was glad he noticed.
Our dinner was nice, I did get a little emotional but over all it went good.
We went for coffee afterwards.
He said he knows he doesn't want a D-yet. Whether he wants one in the future only time will tell.
I don't want to assume anything, but I *think* he wants to make sure that the woman he left isn't going to be the same person he goes back to.


He suggested that we "date" for a little while (exclusively) and see how that goes.
When we left, he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me.

I am just so scared. I have done several 180's and want to keep it up.
I have also started C for myself and have been going for almost 4 months to try and deal with my issues of fear of abandonment, low self esteem, anger, and insecurity.

I am just so scared it is too late for us.

[sandi2]

Why did your H leave?

You said you were going to make some life changes. Care to share what those changes are?

Hope you post each day and reach out to others here, b/c that will help build up your support group.

[~¤DG¤~]

He left because I was emotionally abusive, angry, and insecure and he became my emotional punching bag.

I am not proud of my actions. I am rather ashamed.

As for changes I am in counseling for my self esteem/anger issues.
I no longer take anyone for granted. I make a conscious effort to think about what I say before I say it.
I am really trying to focus on learning to love myself and be secure with myself so that in the future I can have a healthy relationship.

[grr]

hello
sorry you are going thru this
my h left in january and i will say, this board has helped alot
also about a year and a half ago, my h did the same thing
that time i was lucky, it only lasted about a month
this time i don't think i am going to be so lucky

i guess i mean to say that there is always hope
if he is not sure about what he wants, make sure you are always the best you that you can be when he is around

but please, don't chase, pursue, cry, or beg
those things push people out the door

keep on posting and share details on your sitch
that will help

[ninelives]

The key DG, is to catch it early and start DBing heavy.
I think you are fortunate that you caught it in the early stages and may have an easier time actually doing things that work.

There are some excellent vets on this site that have an uncanny way of seeing things. Sandi2 is one of them. Listen to them and even if it goes against your gut, try and be patient.

Many of us on this site are impatient and that is a character flaw. Patience may the most important trait to make this work.

I struggle with that daily and it has hurt me. Please dont make those same mistakes.

All the Best.

9

[~¤DG¤~]

I really wish it didn't take so long to get my responses posted, but I understand why the board is moderated.

A little backstory:

I have always had issues with trust, insecurity, and not feeling "good enough"
I have been married once before and my exH was very emotionally abusive and put me down on a regular basis.
I think a lot of my issues from my first marriage carried over into my 2nd.
Also, I had been morbidly obese for many years and that didn't help either.
Almost 2 years ago I bit the bullet and had gastric bypass surgery.
I thought once I lost all the weight my self esteem would be great, and I wouldn't feel so insecure.
Well, I was wrong.

I became the food police, criticizing my H's choices of food, jealous because he could eat things that I couldn't.
If I wanted to go for a walk and asked him to join me and he would decline, I'd get mad and tell him he was lazy and unmotivated.
Never once stopping to think that perhaps I was what was keeping him from wanting to enjoy life with me.

I am very ashamed of myself. Who am I to treat the one person I am supposed to love honor and cherish that way?
I am surprised he held on for as long as he did.

I am not a victim, and I am not trying to sound like one and I apologize if I sound that way.
I made some terrible decisions and I am paying the price.

[~¤DG¤~]

Today is a hard day for me. Not sure if it's because the weather is crappy or what, but my spirits are low.

I've been trying to get a handle on my anxiety, reading positive self help quotes, as I tend to always think negative things.

I find myself checking my phone constantly to see if he texts. And every time he doesn't I beat myself up because I should know better.

I'm trying to not worry so much about him and worry about me, but it is very very hard.