Am I hoping for nothing?

[~¤DG¤~]

My H of almost 5 years & I have been separated for a month now, due to the fact that I basically have treated him like sh*t for the past few years.
I was emotionally abusive, controlling, and selfish and I really don't have any excuse for my actions so I am not going to try and justify anything.

As you can imagine, I am a mess. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and getting out of bed some mornings are very tough.
The first 3 weeks were awful, I was doing everything that you are NOT supposed to do according to the book, and once I realized what I should be doing instead I stopped.

I've noticed that since I have been following the advice in the DB book, H has been slowly coming around.
Texting me, etc. I try not to be too eager to respond because I don't want to give him the impression that I am hanging around waiting to hear from him (which I am doing)

He asked me to dinner last night, and we met and had a pretty good time. I told myself I wasn't going to have any R talk, but it did come up and of course I got emotional.
He told me he loves me, he doesn't want a D at least not right now, but he doesn't know what the future holds.
I am trying really, really hard to be optimistic about this, but my own low self esteem and self worth stops me from remaining positive. I am always worried about "What If" and as much as I try NOT to obsess about it, of course it's hard not to.

I am in counseling for myself, and have been for a few months now, and am finally taking responsibility for my actions.
While I can't fix the past, I can fix me.
I am just trying to focus on loving myself right now and getting enough self confidence in myself and not have so much anxiety and worry.

Any advice for me would be very much appreciated.
I have been reading the boards for a few weeks now and I know so many of you have such wonderful advice and support to give.

Help!

[Sharon C.]

Dear Formerly DelinquentGurl,

Language is such a powerful tool, so I made a slight, yet significant change to your name. You deserve credit for all the current effort you're displaying! The label of DelinquentGurl seems descriptive of your "old" behavior. So you've read Michele's DB book & started implementing positive change techniques, you're in individual counseling & taking personal responsibility for your part in the relationship, and you have an open heart and the willingness to improve your life and your marriage! You deserve a cheering section & I'm bringing out my pom-poms for you!

Your question: "Am I hoping for nothing?" As a nurse, my first response to a question like that is, "Where there's a pulse, there's hope!" Well, you're way beyond that! Your husband invited you out for dinner last night & told you that he loves you!

The work will be in rebuilding the trust in your relationship in order to create an emotionally safe environment. You describe yourself as being emotionally abusive for 3-4 years of your almost 5 year marriage. Your husband needs to observe that you're committed to changing the unhealthy behavior patterns. He doesn't necessarily need to hear about it. "Actions speak louder than words." It can't be like those birthday candles where you blow them out & they relight again. And you blow them out & they relight again. There needs to be sincere commitment to gain true traction.

Continue to take good care of yourself! Exercise. Take 10 minutes each day to reflect & breathe in total peace and quiet. Hopefully, you'll begin to sleep better which is vital to your well being. Remind yourself to stay in the "here & now" - obsessing and worrying about "what if" is an exercise in futility. Most of what we worry about never becomes reality - so why have all that pain in advance?

You're on a new path. Trust the process.

All the Best!

Sharon

[~¤DG¤~]

Thanks for responding Sharon. I actually have another thread started on this topic.
I didn't realize the board was moderated and accidentally posted another one.
I won't have 2 threads going on it, so feel free to see the other thread.