WAW tearing up our family part II

[2stepboogie]

IronMan

I will debate with you anyday my friend. Matter of fact I kind of enjoyed it because sometimes that is the way I process things. Sometimes people back off thinking I am getting upset but I like the full frontal approach better.

I also need the encouragement.

Anger will fade it is one of those emotions that you just can't hold on to for very long. Time is the great physician.

My D also is my weakness and she can reduce me to tears in a single second or make me feel bouts of anger with my W. Most of the time I am good but sometimes I thank God she doesn't call.

Here is the point I tried to get across to you the other day.

Stop attaching your reactions or feelings to her actions or lack of. You do a pretty good job of GAL and that is great. D 1st YOU 2nd and everything else where it lands.

'How can she do this to your family?"

She isn't. She is doing this for herself because she sees this as her only option. She can create feelings she has lost, however it does not mean she can't get them back.

Only you can decide if/when she does will you still be there to work on M.

[zengypsy]

Ironman:

I am so impressed with FOBD, VS2d and 2, that nothing I say can top that or offer any other insight. They all said exactly what I would have said, what I've felt and where I've been.

Think about what 2 said....
"How can she do this to your family?" She isn't. She is doing this for herself because she sees this as her only option. She can create feelings she has lost, however it does not mean she can't get them back.
Only you can decide if/when she does will you still be there to work on M.

And I would just like to add to this and say I think this is applicable whether there is a D or not.

[Redo]

Hi Ironman: We have a 3 year old. Last week i saw my daughter and took her out to the zoo, she kept telling me that she did not want to stay with grandma(wife stays with her parents) and she wanted to come home with me. Broke my heart. And we are pretty close to signing the final decree. But i am still keeping home. I have to for my daughter. I do believe that sometimes my wife has no idea what she's doing and for once in my life I am planning on being the stronger one for both of us and be the lighthouse. I am gonna push it for as long as i can. But i am going to try.

Do this for yourself. Do it so that one day you can be proud for what you stood up for and what you did. One day you will be able to proudly tell your daughter that you did what was right.

[OnMyWay]

How's it going ironMan?

Anything new happening in your WAW world?

[dbmod]

^

[AJM80]

IronMan - some of the stuff with D is just what it is/is the age and some of it is crap your W is putting you guys through. One other place I feel like anger creeps up on me, when I see my kids hurting. I told H today that I am concerned that as this hurts the kids in their lives (him missing things, etc), that I will become more angry and frustrated with the situation. I hope that is not true. It feels good to let the anger go and the kids seem a lot happier. I've accepted the situation with 2 houses and so has my 2.5 year old.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Iron,
How are you handling that anger, buddy? Did you take my advice and maybe write some letters to yourself? It really does help. Give it a try. Keep us posted.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[ironMan]

Hey, FOBD .... Thanks for checking on me. It means more to me than I could ever express

.... I haven't done the letter thing .. but I think its a good idea. I have mostly just been

1) deciding that it was ok to be angry ... but .... make sure I don't let it sink me

2) trying to understand her side of it. My gut tells me, that she cheated (or kept wanting to) and was feeling bad about it. But, even if I'm wrong ... she doesn't feel good about leaving. IF she did, she would've been gone long ago. So, I'm mad at her. But this isn't easy for her either.

3) Aknowledging ... that yeah .... maybe this behavior is telling me that she's not somebody I can/want to build a life with in the future. But me being mad at her won't change that. If my D has to grow up in 2 houses ... I guess she does. It wasn't my decision ... but it isn't the end of the world.

So, just processing it I guess. Figuring out where the anger is coming from and just like pain .....what it can tell me about what's going on inside.

[OnMyWay]

iM,

I'm with ya. I, too, know anger very well. However, all I've gotten out of it is permanent hypertension, a WAW, stupid decisions, regrets, etc., etc., etc.

I'm over MOST of it now, finally. W has learned how to push my buttons, so I do have to be very careful of that - I'll admit to flying off the handle last week - damn. Oh well, pick myself up and keep moving forward. I'm finding the one real thing I'm having a hard time with anger-wise is W's leaving and splitting up our family - I just can't forgive her for that; it pisses me off! She is somehow able to justify it, but my kid is innocent here and deserves better than what's she's getting.

I think the fact your WAW is still with you says a lot. I hope the best for both of you, whatever that is. As you already know, if she goes the grass won't be greener and she'll eventually realize her error, whether she ever admits it or not, and will probably try to come back. Just keep DBing and leave her be. She'll figure it out sooner or later.

3) Aknowledging ... that yeah .... maybe this behavior is telling me that she's not somebody I can/want to build a life with in the future. But me being mad at her won't change that. If my D has to grow up in 2 houses ... I guess she does. It wasn't my decision ... but it isn't the end of the world.

I'd like to know more about your feelings with regards to this and why you feel this way. I find I tell myself this very same thing quite often. I can't decide if it is just my ego, my hurt feelings, or if I really feel this way and am done - which contradicts the way I feel about my vows, the continuity of my family, and my D's happiness. I just dunno. I think, deep down, I want to go back to before all this sh!t started. From here it just seems like such a long road to never getting quite there, causing me to I wonder if it is worth it.

Try to stay positive - LOL, now there's some hypocritical advice coming from me, a natural cynic.

[ironMan]

Hi Everybody.

onMyWay ..... thanks for that post. Sounds like we're in very much the same place.

That is an interesting question you posed. Why would we feel that the W leaving us is a sign that they are not for us? Well, for me, it is because people screw up. In fact, I believe she had another EA, maybe PA ... and has decided that since married people shouldn't do this repeatedly .. she shouldn't be married.

So, my problem with this ... is that it's a sign of weakness. It's one thing to say "listen, I messed up ... and I'm sorry .. what can I do to fix it?". But, that didn't happen with her EA back in '07 either. She can't handle anybody being mad at her ... and handles any sort of criticism about the worst of anybody I know well. Basically, like a child. Therapists say this is because her childhood was messed up.

Listen, I make mistakes ... I've made huge mistakes. And I say "here's what I did ..... it was my fault ... I'm sorry ... I will do what it takes to make it right". It isn't fun to do it, and it isn't comfortable. But, I take my lumps and move on. I own it.

She seems to have decided that just quitting is easier. Ok, fine honey ..... but what choice did the baby get? You want to read any of the reports on how divorce affects children? No, that would be contrary to your plan .... and therefor invalid.

So a life with this person, is probably going to be a life where this happens over and over. So, I guess that part is my fault. I chose a broken person knowingly. But, I always thought she would want to be better. Now, I know different.