I'm 31 weeks pregnant. 3 weeks ago, my husband, whom I've been with for over 7 years, decided that he no longer wants to be in this marriage. I was able to pick up a copy of Michele's book "The Divorce Remedy" and read the whole thing in less than a few hours. I have a masters in counseling, so I felt pretty confident in my "diagnosis" that he is going through a major depressive episode and would fall under the mid-life crisis category, and after having read Michele's book, it solidified my beliefs.
I am having such a hard time keeping it together. For most of this pregnancy he has been a different, difficult person. I distinctly remember the day he came home and I really looked pregnant for the first time. He had been on a business trip. He left with a non-pregnant-looking wife, and came home to that. His face was filled with horror. In November he started to come home from work later and later, and stopped calling and texting me. In December he actually suggested that I should have an abortion (we PLANNED this pregnancy and I was 15 weeks along at that point). He suggested that he go to New Orleans for New Years with a friend and that would help him "get his head straight" for the pregnancy. I told him if that's what he needed, then fine, do it. In January he had coworkers from California come out to our town and did not come home for 2 days with no calls or texts. And then 3 weeks ago, he left for California on a business trip and did not tell me until the day before that he was planning to be gone for a full 15 days. We've never been separated that long, ever.
During that time, I knew something was wrong. He was ignoring my texts and calls completely. I hacked into his email account and found that he was having an emotional affair with a coworker. He insists that nothing physical has happened, but I am crushed. He's only had this job for a few months, and is unable to change at this time. He said that he has no interest in her, but also has no interest in me. He says that he was unaware how inappropriate it was until I pointed out the problems, but of course I feel like I cannot trust anything he says.
Everything that comes out of his mouth seems to be verbal garbage. His mind literally changes by the hour. He will shows signs that he wants to work things out (coming home earlier, agreeing to go to therapy, agreeing to start his ADHD meds again, notifying me when his schedule changes, NOT calling any lawyers), but then he'll do other things that suggest just the opposite (telling me that he feels depressed, then denying the depressive symptoms in front of the health professionals, telling me "I'm just done", talking about how he'll split the time of raising our daughter equally, buying his ADHD meds but then be non-compliant about taking them, won't make future plans unless they are doctor's appointments).
I lost 10 lbs in the first week, and have not gained the .5-1 lbs per week that I am supposed to be gaining at this point in my pregnancy. I cry everyday. I am trying so hard to keep it together in front of him, to not call him and pester him (of course I was doing all the no-no's in the book in the beginning: crying, screaming, begging, stalking). Since I read the book, I stopped calling and texting and kept questions to a bare minimum. I stayed out later than him (which believe me, is NOT easy to do while pregnant), and left the house earlier than him. I have not cried in front of him since last Wednesday. I've filled my social schedule with as many things as possible and make myself sound extremely happy on the phone when he's around.
Friday night I came home and he said that he was going to be leaving the house for a few days. I asked if I could know where he was going at least (at this point I had been able to implement the last resort rules for all of 24 hours...), and he said that he was going to stay with his parents until Tuesday evening.
He has not spoken to his parents, or any other member of his family, in 4 years. Up until this week, they did not even know I was pregnant.
My initial reaction was that this was a good thing, as he had been avoiding talking to them for so long, but the reason is because they are INCREDIBLY toxic people who take no responsibility for their actions and have little to no moral development. I have been trying for years to at least get him to work on an appropriate relationship with them with appropriate boundaries, but he refused. So like I said, initially I thought, "Finally! You're going to address the issues that you have been hiding from for all of these years!". But then I remember that his family HATES me. They blame me for them losing their son. They blame me for the fall out of their family. They have no idea that I have been the one encouraging him to at LEAST make peace with the situation and tie off the loose ends rather than just continue to ignore the problem completely. I've asked him not to talk about me as much as possible while he's there, but I don't know if that will happen.
I just need a lot of support to get through this. I have only told a few select friends about this because I feel that this is a lapse in judgement, and I do not want him to be judged by his friends for most likely the rest of his life for attempting to leave his pregnant wife for no tangible, justifiable reason. I also have not told anyone in my family for the same reason. I'm trying to tell myself that if he's willing to go back to extremely dysfunctional family that he has NEVER loved, then surely he would be willing to come back to the mother of his child and the woman who has loved him for over 7 years. I have started the mantra of "I have the patience of Job" to try to help me. I think that a lot of this will resolve on it's own once he holds his daughter for the first time, but that will not be for another 8 to 10 weeks. I just don't know how I'm going to last until then. Thoughts?
May, My heart goes out to you big time. No wife while being pregnant deserves this type of treatment. Shame on him but that is beside the point.
Any man that doesnt revil in the creation of life that is from them has serious issues imo. You have to get through this somehow and this forum is an excellent place to vent and to get answers.
There are sooo many good people on here that are able to see the issues clearly and give you sound , reasonable advice.
The one thing that I have tried to learn is to not make decisions when you are emotionally incapable. I have been bad for this, please try not to make the same mistakes.
It must be especially difficult for you to control these emotions while all the hormones are raging through you.
Be patient, weekends are slow here but you will get help.
Hang in there May.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Our D was a surprise conceived three weeks into our M. I was frightened I would not be a good father. I saw my life changing and out of control when my wife was pregnant with our first. All I could focus on was what I was loosing. I held our little girl and wept for hours the night she was born.
It is probably to simplistic for your sitch, but one of the things that got me through and showed me I could do this was playing/eventually helping with the oldest niece, about 18 months at the time.
Your posts will be slow at first, don’t panic, this is a moderated board and it will take a little while before your posts show quickly. Post often, the people here have been great at offer perspectives, opinions, and the occasional 2X4.
Hang in there.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Your situation sounds very much like mine. I'm sorry you're going through this. The only thing I can say is keep focused on YOU - your pregnancy, the baby, the preparations, and just leave him out of things for now. It doesn't seem there's anything you can do anyway. He has to come around. It's like ignoring a toddler who has a tantrum while also giving them the love, safety, and support they need. Have you read Laura Munson's book (I just found out about it - oh, but it didn't come out yet - shoot.)
Have faith.
BTW, I'm wondering if there's anything in your relationship that he could be resenting/upset about/etc. prior to the pregnancy.
Thank you all for your support. Stunned, my father told me a very similar story about how he felt about me. So when all of this started, I was fairly calm about it knowing that my own father admitted to not being excited about me until the moment he held me for the first time. But I know he didn't do any of the bizarre things H is doing (although, Freudian enough, my dad requested his divorce seemingly out of the blue too 11 years ago in what he fully admits was a MLC).
I'm not sure what to do when it comes to decisions for our daughter. Ex: I think I found daycare for her after I return to work (I currently work in the school district so I'll get to stay home with her until she's almost 3 months old). I think it's a great situation, but due to the financial aspect of it (daycare is SO expensive), I would most definitely discuss it with my H prior to all this crap. Not sure what to do now. He doesn't even want to make plans for next week, much less for August. At the same time, I need to make a move on this quickly, so I can't wait around for him to get his head straight.
Some other things for her seem pretty straight forward in my mind. He refused for months to sit down and pick a date for our baby care class, so finally I made the reservation and said, "here's the date. You can be there or not." I did the same thing for the couple's shower that we have scheduled in a few weeks. Worse comes to worse I'll make up some lame excuse that he's ill and can't attend.
I already have a plan on what to do for when he comes home Tuesday night (...if he comes home...). I plan to go to prenatal yoga, then go to a well lit, smoke free bar down the street from my house and write thank you notes until 10 PM. If he's not home by then, I'll go to bed on my own. But I would hope that he's home by then.
I don't have plans to ask him about how things went with his family. However, there is something I think I'm going to ask him. Before he told me that he was staying his parents, he said, "Ok, don't be mad, but I've been talking with my family this week and that's why I've hidden the phone records from you." So I want to know this: why on earth would you assume that I would be mad?
Remember, while I don't necessarily like these people, I am the one looking for closure and some type of appropriate resolution to the drama, while for YEARS he just would tell me that he doesn't care about them and has NO desire to resume contact. So it really perplexes me that he thinks I would mad about this. He FORBADE me to speak with them when they would try to contact me, despite my pleads to let me speak with them on my own terms, so none of this makes sense.
Do you think that's breaking a rule though? To ask him that question? I mean, I really don't plan on pushing anything else about it, or defending my stance on the subject, just wondering if he can even come up with an answer for that.
My goals for the week are for him to come home on Tuesday, for him to stay home for the remainder of the week, for him to take his medication independently (I counted the pills and one was missing, so I know he's at least taken one...), to avoid calling or texting him unless he initiates communication, then reciprocate with appropriate boundaries. I also plan on staying out later than him at least 2 days next week, and sing in the shower every morning (I haven't done it in years, and he used to love it when I would sing. He used to request it every night before bed. Plus, music feeds my soul). And continue my "I have the patience of Job" mantra.
I am a trained counselor with a behaviorist background, so the small, measurable goals really speak to me. As do the victories on the baby steps (like the missing ADHD pill). What do you think?
This is a long tough road to go down. I know you know that and I believe you are in it for the long haul. You will find things out about yourself you never knew you could endure.
Take as much advice as you can get, and with that make the best decisions that you can. You think you know your H and all of the advice is given for somebody else, but you will realize YOU are that somebody else. I am fealizig that now, but still fight it. Keep posting, even of you think it is insignificant, and read as many posts as you can. You know you will relate to some more than others, but all offer insight into our WAS.
we are her for you
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
I posted this in MLC, but have not gotten any feedback, so I thought I'd repost here too...
In DR, Michele recommended learning as much as possible about MLC. I guess my H's is a little different as he is not anywhere close to "mid-life" age. But I am sure it's a criss none the less. He did not start acting strangely until I was about 14 weeks pregnant. It's not that I don't think his fears are justified in becoming a father (although if I didn't think he would be a wonderful father, I wouldn't have married him. He's amazing with children, but he had a terrible family life growing up), but I'm not sure how to react to all of this and to learn more about life crisis. So anyone have some good books to recommend? All I want to do in my free time is read on the topic anyway (research/education soothes my anxiety). I'd prefer something that wasn't SO age based if possible. Thanks!
I found out today that I can see our couples therapist this Thursday at 5:30. However, H has not contacted me since Friday night. He's supposed to come home tomorrow, but who knows if that will actually happen. Should I wait until I see him in person to tell him that an opening came up (last week he said he wanted to see the couples therapist again this week), or should I just go ahead and text him to let him know?
