Hello, I have been DB'ing for about 3 weeks now. I am trying not to panic. My W is on the D fast track. So I am executing, with the recommendation of my DB phone coach the LRT. She has been pretty aggressive with pursuing the D. However, I did early on suggest pursuing mediation instead of a trial. So here's some steps I've taken: - I don't say I love you anymore - I have tried to pull back a bit - I am working hard on my GAL - I have taken my son snow tubing - I have taken my son on a weekend trip (this was kind of 180 because I did it at the last minute and paid through the nose for some college basketball tickets. - I have started dressing in nicer clothes, and clothes I haven't worn in awhile. - I am starting to wear cologne again - I am continuing to exercise, but maybe increasing it a bit.
Here's some 180s I've done lately: - Right when she made her announcement, I made the mental commitment to just listen and try to figure out where she was emotionally. I can't say I've been perfect at this. At times, I faltered. However, I have learned that telling her how much I love her, telling her how much I don't want the D, and telling her she's making any kind of mistake with it is NOT working for me. So I need to cut it out. - She was putting pressure on me to tell our son about the D. Since I think we have a problem where we both avoid conflict, I did some research on telling your kids and initiated the conversation with her about. We ended up getting together a couple more times about it. Finally, we did have to tell him last night. Man, that was about the toughest thing I think I've ever done in my life. - She has been looking for a new place to live. I volunteered to go with her to look at it. I did go with her to look at it today. This was tough, too. I also let her put a deposit on the place - it's a condo and she's looking at buying it. She did appreciate it, and acknowledged it was hard for me (I didn't say anything before that). All I told her is that I'm in a different place now, I understand she's made a decision, and I want to support her as best as I can. (I think she may have gotten a little emotional over that one, but I'm not positive) - During I conversations I have told her I highly value her friendship. I think we need to build on this friendship and see where it takes us. Especially for my son's sake.
With all of this being said, but with her being on this fast track to get things moving with the D, I am trying very hard to panic.
I just hope I'm doing enough. I'll have to admit it's hard to make sure you doing enough on the DB principles while still working on the GAL. I also don't want to wear myself out with the GAL. I keep focusing on that it's not over until I say it's over. I am also trying to channel this deep love I have for her into the DB concepts.
Here are some facts: - We have had issues before, and I have certainly been a major contributor to them. Frankly, I think I just wasn't getting it early in our marriage. - We have had a few times before this before she was thinking D, but she has never acted on it. - We did go to counseling 5/2008 - 4/2010 - I am new man who has deeeper love for this woman than I ever have. This was benefit of the counseling - it pointed me in a direction and new way of thinking.
Here is what I am hearing: - She is not feeling emotionally connected - ILYBINILWY - 'We went to counseling, and I thought things got better for a short period of time, but then they deteriorated back to where they were before' - 'My sister was divorced about 2 months after she said she was done' - 'I have made my decision (about D) and I feel really good about it.' - 'You shouldn't be getting your hopes up about us getting back together because I don't see how there's any way we can make it' - 'I am not happy.'
Here is one theory about her hurry - I am wondering if she is afraid if it takes too long, she will question her decision.
Here are some facts: - We have had issues before, and I have certainly been a major contributor to them. Frankly, I think I just wasn't getting it early in our marriage. - We have had a few times before this before she was thinking D, but she has never acted on it. - We did go to counseling 5/2008 - 4/2010 - I am new man who has deeeper love for this woman than I ever have. This was benefit of the counseling - it pointed me in a direction and new way of thinking.
Here is what I am hearing: - She is not feeling emotionally connected - ILYBINILWY - 'We went to counseling, and I thought things got better for a short period of time, but then they deteriorated back to where they were before' - 'My sister was divorced about 2 months after she said she was done' - 'I have made my decision (about D) and I feel really good about it.' - 'You shouldn't be getting your hopes up about us getting back together because I don't see how there's any way we can make it' - 'I am not happy.'
Here is one theory about her hurry - I am wondering if she is afraid if it takes too long, she will question her decision.
Does sandi2 or anyone else have any thoughts on the above?
