I'm 31 weeks pregnant. 3 weeks ago, my husband, whom I've been with for over 7 years, decided that he no longer wants to be in this marriage. I was able to pick up a copy of Michele's book "The Divorce Remedy" and read the whole thing in less than a few hours. I have a masters in counseling, so I felt pretty confident in my "diagnosis" that he is going through a major depressive episode and would fall under the mid-life crisis category, and after having read Michele's book, it solidified my beliefs.

I am having such a hard time keeping it together. For most of this pregnancy he has been a different, difficult person. I distinctly remember the day he came home and I really looked pregnant for the first time. He had been on a business trip. He left with a non-pregnant-looking wife, and came home to that. His face was filled with horror. In November he started to come home from work later and later, and stopped calling and texting me. In December he actually suggested that I should have an abortion (we PLANNED this pregnancy and I was 15 weeks along at that point). He suggested that he go to New Orleans for New Years with a friend and that would help him "get his head straight" for the pregnancy. I told him if that's what he needed, then fine, do it. In January he had coworkers from California come out to our town and did not come home for 2 days with no calls or texts. And then 3 weeks ago, he left for California on a business trip and did not tell me until the day before that he was planning to be gone for a full 15 days. We've never been separated that long, ever.

During that time, I knew something was wrong. He was ignoring my texts and calls completely. I hacked into his email account and found that he was having an emotional affair with a coworker. He insists that nothing physical has happened, but I am crushed. He's only had this job for a few months, and is unable to change at this time. He said that he has no interest in her, but also has no interest in me. He says that he was unaware how inappropriate it was until I pointed out the problems, but of course I feel like I cannot trust anything he says.

Everything that comes out of his mouth seems to be verbal garbage. His mind literally changes by the hour. He will shows signs that he wants to work things out (coming home earlier, agreeing to go to therapy, agreeing to start his ADHD meds again, notifying me when his schedule changes, NOT calling any lawyers), but then he'll do other things that suggest just the opposite (telling me that he feels depressed, then denying the depressive symptoms in front of the health professionals, telling me "I'm just done", talking about how he'll split the time of raising our daughter equally, buying his ADHD meds but then be non-compliant about taking them, won't make future plans unless they are doctor's appointments).

I lost 10 lbs in the first week, and have not gained the .5-1 lbs per week that I am supposed to be gaining at this point in my pregnancy. I cry everyday. I am trying so hard to keep it together in front of him, to not call him and pester him (of course I was doing all the no-no's in the book in the beginning: crying, screaming, begging, stalking). Since I read the book, I stopped calling and texting and kept questions to a bare minimum. I stayed out later than him (which believe me, is NOT easy to do while pregnant), and left the house earlier than him. I have not cried in front of him since last Wednesday. I've filled my social schedule with as many things as possible and make myself sound extremely happy on the phone when he's around.

Friday night I came home and he said that he was going to be leaving the house for a few days. I asked if I could know where he was going at least (at this point I had been able to implement the last resort rules for all of 24 hours...), and he said that he was going to stay with his parents until Tuesday evening.

He has not spoken to his parents, or any other member of his family, in 4 years. Up until this week, they did not even know I was pregnant.

My initial reaction was that this was a good thing, as he had been avoiding talking to them for so long, but the reason is because they are INCREDIBLY toxic people who take no responsibility for their actions and have little to no moral development. I have been trying for years to at least get him to work on an appropriate relationship with them with appropriate boundaries, but he refused. So like I said, initially I thought, "Finally! You're going to address the issues that you have been hiding from for all of these years!". But then I remember that his family HATES me. They blame me for them losing their son. They blame me for the fall out of their family. They have no idea that I have been the one encouraging him to at LEAST make peace with the situation and tie off the loose ends rather than just continue to ignore the problem completely. I've asked him not to talk about me as much as possible while he's there, but I don't know if that will happen.

I just need a lot of support to get through this. I have only told a few select friends about this because I feel that this is a lapse in judgement, and I do not want him to be judged by his friends for most likely the rest of his life for attempting to leave his pregnant wife for no tangible, justifiable reason. I also have not told anyone in my family for the same reason. I'm trying to tell myself that if he's willing to go back to extremely dysfunctional family that he has NEVER loved, then surely he would be willing to come back to the mother of his child and the woman who has loved him for over 7 years. I have started the mantra of "I have the patience of Job" to try to help me. I think that a lot of this will resolve on it's own once he holds his daughter for the first time, but that will not be for another 8 to 10 weeks. I just don't know how I'm going to last until then. Thoughts?


I have the patience of Job.