An hour later and now I'm back to where I was before TrueGritter said anything. Now I'm once again feeling the best thing I can do is be supportive and make it easier for her to leave. That's the way she is telling me she wants to me to show my love for her right now.
Jesus this is hard.
But thankfully we have Cat:
Originally Posted By: cat04
Busting,
With you, I have seen extreme highs and really low lows.
You have to try to stabilize yourself a bit.
...Try to find a bit of balance.
Practice not touching the hot stove for a while.
It isn't that hard, you just have to force yourself sometimes.
Okay. It's not that hard to keep my hand off of the stove. It's not that hard to slow way down and protect myself from being burned or hurt.
LTFU meets STFD
Lighten The F*ck Up Slow The F*ck Down.
I have control. I'm a good man. I deserve to be happy and calm and clear within myself.
And now I have absolutely no problem at all taking whatever time I need to figure out whatever is best for me. No matter what I have promised others, or what others have promised me.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Just found this little gem on one of TG's threads...
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
I posting this here and in MLC because there is some GREAT advice getting pulled up from older posts...
That got lost with the passage of time.
I am not putting this here to start a debate because as I have reconciled all this against my own experience I find we all are really saying the same advice and have the same goal ...
Help the LBS find their way.
In hopes of clarifying...at least the way I see it:
MLC (fog) vs WAS
And…Bo Peep doesn’t work.
Leave them alone and they’ll come home. Patiently wait until they decide to come back?
Denial? Yup.
But not the way it's been descibed in the past IMO.
Denial that you are afraid to look in the mirror and answer the question.
Is my W leaving because she can’t stand me or
She can’t stand herself.
Most likely WAS is the former or maybe it runs along a continuum.
SO if you think all the man up tactics you try….the “don’t put up with crap behavior” tactic is going to change anything…
You want your W to respect you? You are entitled to it? Why?
Look at the man you were in your M. Before she decided to disrespect you.
NOW you are going to try tactics to show her she should respect you.
NOW your respect is measured by demanding she respect you and how she reacts or doesn’t react to your demands?
You’re Bo Peeping.
If I do this…she will respect me. What if she doesn’t? Where are you?
Unless you have the courage to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself then you will be the victim of your W’s decision to leave you and her continued choice not to come back to you.
Until you respect yourself… she won’t respect you.
She thinks its Holloween and you got your “I am not a lazy, a$$hole, fill in the ______ husband” costume on.
Manning up ain’t got anything to do with HER. Your NUTS are not a function of her. You are not entitled to her respect unless you deserve it.
Don’t get me wrong I believe in boundaries I just think they are tools to help you gain your sanity and find your way.
In the end, you should not attach your self worth or respect to how someone respects your boundaries.
They will or they won’t and then you live with the consequences. Both of you.
MLC? Crisis?
Does it exist? I don’t care if anyone thinks it exists. I know that some people have emotional/spiritual/inner conflict crisis in their life.
Some people in crisis might have a mental disorder that IS recognized by mental health professionals. So call it what you want. It is a challenge in your M.
Is it an excuse for bad behavior?
No.
Is it a reason?
Yup.
Are some LBS in denial? Yes. Unfortunately, they are here on each of the boards on this forum.
MLC vs WAS ----> Answer the question for yourself. Is your S leaving because they can’t stand YOU or THEMSELVES? Or somewhere in between? Are they engaging in self destructive behavior? There is a difference.
What if Little Bo Peep was a real b!tch and didn’t feed or take care of her sheep? Would they come home? Even if she went to look for them and tried to put a fence around them. Would they stay under those conditions?
Is it (crisis) an excuse to be in denial… not to see it for what it is and not to look at oneself?
Absolutely not.
The first advice given in MLC is no different than anywhere else:
Live your life, look in the mirror and be honest with your own failures, you can’t control another person, only yourself. Detach. Protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally and live your life like they are not coming back.
In the end, your success is defined by your choices and how they align with your core. If your S wants to be with THAT person.
Then your M has a shot.
If not, then you can live your life without them and call yourself a success regardless of their choice.
Now let me repeat that last just to be sure I've got it...
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
The first advice given in MLC is no different than anywhere else:
Live your life, look in the mirror and be honest with your own failures, you can’t control another person, only yourself. Detach. Protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally and live your life like they are not coming back.
In the end, your success is defined by your choices and how they align with your core. If your S wants to be with THAT person.
Then your M has a shot.
If not, then you can live your life without them and call yourself a success regardless of their choice.
Truckin' Got my chips cashed in Keep truckin' Like the doodah man Together, more or less in line, Just keep truckin' on...
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
You think I should totally ignore her communication, refuse to agree to a co-petition for divorce, and let her serve me legally for divorce?
Bust she is going to want it either way I am afraid.
Originally Posted By: Busting
And now I have absolutely no problem at all taking whatever time I need to figure out whatever is best for me. No matter what I have promised others, or what others have promised me.
This is good advice to give yourself.
I am not telling you to sign or not sign the petition. Like I said before if she wants it she will get it this way or the hard way.
The hard way IMO is you fighting her tooth and nail and where is that going to get YOU?
Protect yourself. Legally. Financially and emotionally.
You can do that without being an a$$hole.
I say choose what is best for YOU.
I think it is good that you see that you cannot control her and can let her go and do what she wants.
That doesn't mean you have to agree with it.
She thinks you're mad at her because what she is doing she knows is wrong.
At least wrong in the sense that she is your W and is the one breaking her promise.
You are not obligated to relieve her of this guilt. It is hers not yours.
Ignore her if you feel that is best for you. Or talk to her calmly and without trepidation.
I would not talk about your feelings with her or R or anything that doesn't involve necessities about your kids.
She knows that you don't want this D.
When you lay down your guns she can't fight you anymore. That is for YOU not her.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
By not agreeing to the D, atleast now, you will buy yourself a little more time. You need to decide if that is what you need, and only you can decide that.
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
