Ok, I am not sure how exactly this happened, but I am divorced.
Friday I was supposed to go in for my deposition. I was feeling super confident--I hadn't done anything, my L had gone over what kinds of things his L would ask (what I had been doing with my time since he left, etc) and I had been really busy getting things together to start school and being a good mom to my S15 and going through the house packing up my H's stuff for when the no contact order was lifted.
I felt there was no way my H's L could get me to "crack".
I told everyone that I was going to wait until April 4 to see what the judge awarded me and then I was going to see when a trial would be set, etc. and I had a bunch of plans on what move to make next. I completely had the upper hand in all of this--my H had hit me on Jan 3rd, was arrested, went to jail--I was COMPLETELY in the driver's seat and could have really done a TON of bad stuff to him--gotten more child custody, more money for that, etc.
So why and how things happened the way they did--I have no real explanation for. Hopefully by writing things out here I can make sense of what I did.
I got there first and met my L, and then my H and his L come in and I haven't seen or spoken to H in 8 weeks. I actually was very curious to see him and said hi and gave a little smile and he didn't have any ugliness to him at all. He looked pretty neutral. So he sits down and I am just looking at him, and he looks back at me and it wasn't uncomfortable--I think I am so detached it just felt like I was looking at something else looking at me.
So the deposition starts and my dad being a L, I know how these things go. I am answering slowly, yes and no, no extra info, etc. Doing a really good job I thought.
His L starts out with child custody stuff--is my H a good dad and I say yes, and I want to still have 50/50 and child support can stay the same, etc. So his L says "can we stop and type this up and get them to sign and this will save 2 hours of depo if we get this done". That's like saving $1000 bucks, easy.
So we agree and the L's go off and my H and I are allowed to talk because we are in a legal setting. So I start talking to him--I think the first thing I asked was why he can't talk to me still. Seems his no contact order goes until June! And then he has a trial--for some reason, and I'm not sure why, they are going after him. I don't know if criminal stuff is like D stuff where if the L's size you up and you have money they go for you, but he says he is not even 1/2 way through that part of the process.
I asked him if I am driving an uninsured vehicle while not having health insurance (because I didn't know if he was still paying my bills) and he tells me he put in a change of address order at the post office and he was paying all the bills. I tell him that some of the bills (the ones in my name) are coming to the house and he says they shouldn't have--he changed the address to get a hold of all the bills so he could pay them.
I am having a pretty rough day today--I guess I will cut this short and say that because we could talk, and I guess because I just was so tired of this, and m L had been telling me how strong I was, and a lot of other nice things--the talking turned to settling, and they asked me what my issues were, and I brought them up, and between the 4 of us they made sure each issue was addressed and in the end--I signed the paperwork for a lump sum, 1/2 the retirement fund, the house and the property we own.
And I am in complete shock that I did this. I felt good about it Friday, and feel sick about it today. I have to be SOOOO careful and work up a budget and pray I get through school before the money runs out. It will be really, really hard. Wow.
I could have gotten alimony and a LOT MORE and I didn't. I just have no explanation for what I did. I am praying that God will reveal to me . Right now I just feel like an idiot.
No explanation. I don't think I was trying to win back my H. I don't think I was being a martyr. I felt confident I could handle things--was I too proud?
I am really, really wondering if there isn't a serious flaw in me somewhere. I haven't worked in 15 years. The economy is terrible. I have to do WELL in school. I have SOOO many ifs.
The only bright spot is that I found a home for my girlfriend's horse. She was paying me enough money to keep my horse and hers in feed this past winer, but she is unable to continue and asked me to find her (older) horse a home, which--Thank you God--a home came up as soon as I put the word out. I went Sunday to check it out and it's going to be a great home with a very nice, knowledgeable person.
I don't want any of my pets (2 dogs, 2 cats, 1 horse) to suffer because of my ? foolishness. And of course I don't want my S15 to suffer. That is the biggest fear I have right now--that I have done something so stupid that he will suffer.
