Let Us Be Outstanding Together. Part 3

[islander]

I dont think you should respond to her at all. SERIOUSLY. She wanted you to sign the papers. You did. She is waiting for them. She is obviously VERY confused "love Beckie". What does she know about love right now. I think more than anything, she is questioning what her life is going to be like without you, and she wrote those words to vet a response out of you so she knows that you are still there for her. But she already knows that. Let her go to the counseling session and see what happens after that. You may have a long weekend ahead of you, but don't let your fear of not doing something change YOUR course. JMO, I seem to have a problem taking my own advice.

[cat04]

Busting,

Leave it alone. You are stepping into a mine field if you respond to it right now.

With you, I have seen extreme highs and really low lows.

You have to try to stabalize yourself a bit.

If you respond and she comes back with something negative, you are going to drop like a lead balloon.

If she says something encouraging you are gonna soar up to the clouds.

Try to find a bit of balance.

Practice not touching the hot stove for a while.

It isn't that hard, you just have to force yourself sometimes.

[Busting Mode]

She is obviously VERY confused...Let her go to the counseling session and see what happens after that...don't let your fear of not doing something change YOUR course.

Thanks Islander

Busting,

With you, I have seen extreme highs and really low lows.

Busted!

You have to try to stabilize yourself a bit...

Try to find a bit of balance.

Thank you for that, Cat.

Practice not touching the hot stove for a while.

It isn't that hard, you just have to force yourself sometimes.

That was very well put.

Admittedly, I have come up with 100 different variations of how I could respond, and it interfered with my sleep last night.

She has also made a request for me to send the keys for the Harley I have given her, so I MIGHT respond and tell her something about that, but if I say anything at all, it will not be until Sunday night.

We'll see how I feel about it tomorrow night.

Thank you so much for helping me get back to neutral and stabilize myself.

[Busting Mode]

Well, I haven't responded to her yet but I noticed on Facebook she just changed her relationship status to "single".

[Busting Mode]

Okay despite this new development right now I am still feeling really good about myself and surprisingly in control.

Given all the personal work I have done over the years I have no idea why it is surprising that I am feeling in control, but there you have it.

Right now I am also thinking there are at least 5 major things that have happened in the past 4 months since Beckie first said she wanted a divorce.

Even by itself, any single one of these things could potentially make all the difference in the world to our relationship, but for whatever reason I have not yet been unable to share with her.

So I'm just gonna bullet point them here for future reference, and know that I will still be able to tell her at some point in the future.

I do know I am no longer feeling afraid or insecure about the divorce actually going through, and to me that is a VERY good sign of the confidence and self-respect I am regaining.

Here's the facts I have seen that Beckie is not aware of:

1. I am now earning enough income where I can pay all of our monthly expenses myself and she never has to work again unless she really wants to. (She doesn't yet know I am earning that much money, though she recently said it wouldn't make a difference if I was).

2. Our counselor has helped me identify and transcend the debilitating beliefs about my self-worth that were not only affecting my ability to satisfy my wife in the ways that she desired, it had affected every relationship that I had ever been in with every other woman, too. With that out of the way, I am free to be me, and to naturally be an even more passionate and attentive lover like she has always wanted me to be.

3. The divorce cry was a massive wake-up call for me.

4. We have both increased our levels of confidence in ourselves and are both holding higher standards, too.

5. The whole fiasco with customs and immigration and has helped make me a lot more caring and responsible about the things that matter most.

6. I have realized it is not that we don't fit togwther or that we cannot come together, the problem has been that we have both been UNWILLING to work together.

7. I have become a cutely aware that sometimes she's insecure and I am stubborn, sometimes I'm insecure and she is stubborn. And awareness can be curative.

8. I have realized how much I truly love and adore her.

9. I have learned a lot about respecting her feelings, hearing her desires, and trusting her intuition.

10. I am feeling much better about myself, and wow, once again surprisingly, somehow even more "in love" with her.

How that can be I really have no idea, I just know it's how I feel. I truly want her to be happy, and I know that she must do this in order to be truly happy and at peace within herself.


I have control.

I know I am her man.

[Busting Mode]

Still, I do wish she could really hear and see and consider all of those things as well!

[Busting Mode]

So it looks like I am now being invited to step up to a whole new level of awareness here. Right now I'm feeling really great and I'm also very excited about the possibilities and doors that are now being opened for me...so I'd love to hear what you all think.

Especially if there is any 2x4s or bricks or pricks out there that could potentially burst my bubble!

So once again, here was wife's last message to me:

Hey Michael how are you?
Are you mad at me?
Or just dealing with us in your way?
Hope your ok?
Love beckie

And now here is the latest version of the response I am planning to send Beckie later on this evening:

----

Hey,

I'm not mad at you at all.
You totally have my blessing and support to do whatever you need to do to feel whole and happy within yourself.
How are you and the kids?

Michael

------------

[Busting Mode]

Any feedback or suggestions?

[Truegritter]

Busting

Why do have to say anything?

What do you hope to accomplish?

You totally have my blessing and support to do whatever you need to do to feel whole and happy within yourself.

Does she have your blessing? Why does she need it?

Do you really agree with her choice?

Or

Recognize that she is free to make her choice even if you don't agree with it.

This "awareness" is for you.

Not her.

I don't agree with my W's choice to continue the way she is living because it is not the life I desire to share with someone.

I don't support it.

I only see that she must make her own choices and live with the consequences.

I don't apply guilt. Or anger.

But also don't offer encouragement, support or alleviate the natural consequence of her choices...

I ask again. What is your purpose in communicating this to her?

[Busting Mode]

Hmm...

Dang, Grit.

Thought I had it all figured out there for a minute.

"What is my purpose in communicating that she has my blessing, friendship and support?"

Wow.

Interestingly enough, I'm finding that in some ways I am actually in agreement with her choice. Or at least I was until I read your post.

A few minutes ago I could clearly see how it kind of made sense that she was leaving me to feel more true and whole and happy within herself.

That made some kind of sense to me because I felt it was very similar to my need go away and work all those times doing what I felt I needed for myself in order to be whole and happy within myself.

But know you have given me a completely different view. And it feels really strange because I'm almost afraid to even acknowledge it, but I'm starting to think the difference between me and her is, I never even considered leaving our marriage, breaking my promises to her, or totally abandoning her to get my needs fulfilled.

Granted it may very well have appeared to her that way, but for me the truth is the moment we got married I was committed to her for life.

Well now I'm confused again, thank you very much.

But that's a true thank you, True, because when I am confused I know it means I'm about to learn something new.


You think I should totally ignore her communication, refuse to agree to a co-petition for divorce, and let her serve me legally for divorce?

Here's my insecurity coming through now True, please don't leave me hangin' here. Tell me what you think I should do. Not that I am certain I will do it, I just really value your opinion and the opinions of other folks on this board.

Taking a hard line approach with my wife is definitely something I have considered, as opposed to "loving her the way she is asking to be loved" and acting solely on the belied that "if you love something set it free"

Hmmm. I wonder if their is some kind of unconscious fearful pattern or habit here that I could help her to be free of and still have her as my happily married wife...

My goodness this is hard!!!