My last thread was called cycling and perhaps this should be the name of this thread!! I am one confused LBS!!!
H called here yesterday with D when he dropped her here after she had been at a birthday party. He later sent a message to ask if we wanted to have curry at his house or if we preferred we could call by and take it with us. I asked D and she said we should eat there. We only stayed briefly because D had lots of homework.
This morning he was here to help D with her maths study and then he went home to get another cable for our DVD which he fixed. He then left to get ready for work. When he left again he said, "See you during the week" Not sure what he is referring to during the week because we have no plans.
I forgot to add that when H text asking us if we wanted dinner at his place, D sang, "Lonely, I am so lonely ...... " She doesn't say too much about H but she is very perceptive.
H was with ow on Friday and I think that is his regular day with her but the rest of the time he seems to be home alone. Last night he served up the curry and put aside an extra dish for tonight's dinner. I've seen him do that a few times.
The reality is why wouldn't he have made the curry for him and ow and her son?
I don't know why he is hanging on so tightly to ow but he did tell me the other night that he didn't have lots of friends and I think he did say he can't get rid of her because if it doesn't work with me he will be all alone and with nobody.
I forgot to add that when H text asking us if we wanted dinner at his place, D sang, "Lonely, I am so lonely ...... " She doesn't say too much about H but she is very perceptive in her observations.
H was with me Wed and Thurs and with D and I Sat night. Fri night he was home but was with her on Friday during the day. I think that Fri is his regular day with her but the rest of the time he seems to be home alone. Last night he served up the curry and put aside an extra dish for tonight's dinner. I've seen him do that a few times.
The reality is why wouldn't he have made the curry for him and ow and her son?
I don't know why he is hanging on so tightly to ow but he has given me a few clues......he has said his relationship with ow is different to his relationship with me (didn't elaborate) he said he can't get rid of ow and take a chance with me because if it doesn't work with me he will be all alone (the other night he said he doesn't have lots of friends so I guess that kind of explains his reluctance to move on from her).
He keeps telling me to be patient so I guess that is a real clue for me. I am also figuring I can't be anymore hurt than I've already been. A wise friend suggested a put this on a timeline so that I don't see this as waiting indefinitely.
Just some random thoughts for today.....tomorrow is a new day!!
I know others see this differently, but because I have moved beyond DBing, [although I am strongly pro marriage] I have to ask why you would want to be with someone who doesn't have many friends, and is keeping an OW in the wings/on the boil, just in case things don't work out between you and him?
It might make sense to a warped MLC brain, but to most people it is an appalling atitude. If he cannot take a chance on it working out with you, he will run back to OW at the first sign of trouble. He needs to pull up his big boy pants, and take a shot at commitment [with you].
I think you deserve so much more than this mean spirited and selfish attidue, mlc or not. Your life, Cas, and I would support whatever you decide, but these guys are masters at suckering us to see the world from their warped viewpoint. There really is a difference between compassion and enabling.
Hi Beatrice, That was exactly how I was feeling when I posted a couple of days ago. I have been listening to the thoughts of a few friends on here and in real life. Like I said, I have no idea what to think atm. It's a day by day proposition. I am really thinking I need to arrange another DB counselling session. I think I need professional advice to help clarify the rollercoaster I am on.
I get the sense that you are a little worried, or even frightened about 'driving your h away'. Until we are in a place where we can live without them, I am not sure that we can live with them, if that makes sense. Listen to your gut. It is seldom wrong.
I know what it can feel like to be so close to a situation that it becomes hard to see the big picture, but I have to say that from "out here" it looks as though your H has made remarkable movement forward over the past 1 1/2 - 2 weeks. I have worked in a clinical setting for the past 20 years and I can tell you from that experience that mental health issues do not change overnight. In fact, if someone tells us that they HAVE changed overnight we are concerned that their change is tenuous at best. Now I know that to us out here it seems that many of the MLCers who come to the LBS and take responsibility for problems in the M have had sudden epiphanies, but for those who are in the middle of these situations the changes are really painstakingly slow.
Given what little we know of H's life, it appears that whatever has transpired in his life in conjunction with your going dim over the past 2 months have served to move him forward. I'm actually very impressed that H has consistently been receptive to you in spite of some emotional "back-and-forths" during this time. He hasn't scurried far back into the tunnel with these little "dust-ups". He has stayed just outside the tunnel it seems to me. He has made the HUGE step of admitting his role in what transpired and talked about reconnecting with your parents. Based on what you know, it appears that he is spending VERY little time with OW, much more time with you and D, and has begun to do caring things for you.
Dealing with OW is another big step on the continuum forward. If you don't do anything to scare him away, H may very well take this next big step forward in the next few weeks. Jody often says to me that I can consider the things I am doing to DB (i.e. learning to be more flirtatious, being more giving, etc.) to be practice for myself for my future R with XH or someone else. I think that right now you can look at learning to deal with this uncertainty and the anxiety it evokes as an opportunity to practice how the new-and-improved Cas will handle anxiety in future R's, with H or someone else. You can always back away a bit without losing all of the progress you've made if you are feeling spent or taken advantage of. Now that you and H are communicating honestly you might even tell him in a kind way "H, I am feeling a bit (fill in the blank here) right now. It would really help me feel more (fill in the blank) if you could do (fill in the blank; give him something specific and do-able at this stage so that he KNOWS what will help you but don't expect him to be able to do this right away --- remember what Rabbit posted on my thread awhile back about Mr. Rabbit providing her reassurance?).
From what you've told us it sounds as though H is definitely moving OW out of his life, but this will be a significant loss to him. It may take him a little time to do this. That's why there's a MLC stage called "Withdrawal", during which the MLCer often mourns the loss of the OP. I think there are ways to remain in H's life while not compromising your integrity during this process. You have come incredibly far on this journey. Be patient Cas and you may be able to complete the journey you initially sought to make. Baby steps......baby steps......
I have been following along with your situation very closely.
I believe that your H is attempting to reconcile with you. It is absolutely obvious, without question, he still loves you very much.
I also feel that we reach a time where we need to step back and review the situation with a lucid and realistic position.
I am proud of you for having the discipline to stand on your values and morals. It is a beautiful and honorable trait and I hope that H is looking upon your convictions with admiration and respect.
I also have read and witnessed the about face of a WAS who wants to return to their family only to find the door has been closed and the option is no longer available due to the endurance of the separation and the nature of the circumstances; infidelities, pain, mistrust, etc....
It is a very unfortunate situation for all involved when one has waited for AND worked hard for their spouse to return and it happens too slowly/late for a variety of reasons.
Cas, I support your decisions and trust that you will do what is best for you. I also have the hope and faith that love will prevail with your H and he will do the right thing after all.
I needed to tell you that I have been reading along. I am not doing very well. It has been hard for me to post since I have no positive emotions at all right now. I have to figure this out once and for all, what's the best solution for us....I feel it's time to completely give up the fight and cave in to the divorce. I have a court hearing on Thursday and it is taking all the strength I have to face it.
I am praying for you, H, D and S every day for a reunion of your family.
(((((Hugs)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I have been thinking about you every day. It must be very hard for you to be waking up every morning and remembering that H is on vacation with OW when it really should be you and S on that trip with H. I am always impressed at how resourceful you are in determining what your next step will be. Your decisions are always well-thought out and I am praying that you will have guidance from your wise, inner voice as you decide what your next step will be now. If there is anything we can do for you now, please let us know. Extra prayers will go up for you on Thursday.
